A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello this is going to be a long question but I need advice. Me and my husband have been together for 5 years now. Married for 6 months. We have a three year old son together. He is my first everything and we've had a lot of ups and downs throughout our relationship. We both made a lot of major mistakes that cost us the relationship but we always got back together. He never thinks he does anything wrong he thinks everything is all my fault and I know its not. Now I will admit to have done the most damage but he has caused quite a bit of it himself to he just wont admit it. So my question is should I stay with him and prove to him I can change and then once Ive proven it to him talk to him about his need to change or should I just get out now? And if I do stay and prove to him how long should I prove to him before asking him to make his change and how long should I give him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): Im the original poster and im not competing to see who fixes themself faster I just think we should be working on fixing things together instead of just me fixing things or just him. And no I'm not just gonna divorce him without trying my hardest to fix this so I dont have to sit there and wonder what if if things cant be fixed.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 August 2013):
 OP: Your follow-up "tells" me that you are not going to consider stopping the charade-of-a-marriage that you and hubby have... because you are Hell-bent to compete with him to get "better" more than him, faster than him.
Only problem is, that HE isn't taking part in your contest.
My earlier advice stands.....
Good luck. (again)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I'm the original poster and my husband wont go to counseling he feels it wont help. And alot of his issues are him reacting to what I do but he wont forgive me for the things ive done wrong in the past. Ive never cheated on him most of the issues are my being lazy and being insecure with myself and being selfish. Im working on my issues though and have gotten better im not completely where I need to be but I'm closer than he is right now.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 August 2013):
 you should both want to make the changes and improvements together at the same time.
one person changing is not enough.
if he's not willing to admit to or own his own bad behavior there really is not much hope.
would he go to counseling? if not... consider going for yourself to gain the strength you will need to eventually leave him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2013):
ANY TIME that a relationship or marriage is dependent upon one, or the other, of the participants "changing" ... there isn't much hope of success......
YOU can change ONLY YOU.....and HE (and ONLY he) can change him.....
That said, reconcile if you want to stay in a marriage/relationship which has such long odds of success.
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 August 2013):
 It is always tough working in a relationship where another party isn't willing to admit fault.
You don't give any specifics here and I think there is a LOT more going on in your marriage that you list here. The question I have though is: with all the turmoil in your relationship -- why did you get married? It sounds like things were never stable to begin with and marriage only adds to the stresses.
The point of being in a marriage is to love the other person -- no matter what. If you can do that you will be successful. Sometimes you just have to keep giving and hope that the other person will come around. Perhaps you need to give yourself X number of months. If things aren't better and you still feel like leaving, then allow yourself to entertain that thought.
Again, you don't give us any specifics so it is hard to judge how bad the transgressions have been. You may find it useful to see a therapist or counselor -- for yourself or together. Having someone to see your side of things may make you realize you aren't as guilty as you think you are or that something is fundamentally wrong with your marriage.
Ultimately the choice on whether you stay or go depends upon the circumstances and you. You do have a child to think of, so I honestly hope you use whatever resources you have available to make things work out. You have a lot of history so there is obviously something keeping you together, but only stay if it is a healthy relationship -- for both of you.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 August 2013):
Couples counseling... If you can't afford it there are often income based options.
At this point you've probably said everything you can possibly say, so further explanations will not help.
At some point you may just come to the realization that you guys shouldn't have got married in the first place and you're better off ending things. But I'd try everything I could before it comes to that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 August 2013):
 You can't fix a relationship on your own. You BOTH need to admit to your OWN actions and move on from there. I would suggest a neutral 3rd person to help you out, a couples or marriage counselor for instance.
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