A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi well my problem is that me and my hubby is very much in love where married for 4 years but now im confussed. well see he changed jobs and he doesnt share anything with me no more when he brings stuff home after work and i ask him polite great stuff did u buy that for us? he will say what the ... its got nothing to do with you what i do or whom stuff it is. he used to talk to me during the day not anymore he says we are married stop acting like were dating.... he cares a lot for me that i know he wants to have children however he deleted his previous work people's numbers off his phone but not this one women. i dont like he standed up for her over me and told me they are friends. The other night we had a huge fight over her .... why i dont know so i did the stupid thing deleted her number off his phone Now he is like i dont wanna be with you ure in my way he is iritated with me but when its bed time he says to me lets make love so i give him some oral end he is like a different person very loveable and all that...... whe did talk the other night what is bothering us , then he told me i dont need to worry because they are just friends and he will never go for her besides she have children and is single now for about 4 years he said i married you (Me) not her..... if i ask him how is ure day , he will say that is stupid questing stop asking me that, The other day he tells me he aint leaving earlier like he used to then 2 days long he came late home since then he came normal hours again He doesnt wanna go to places where i wanna go but the hang out places he goes to is fine? He told me that another women tried something with him yes sex he pushed her off and told her leave me alone. his friend did have sex with her and he is married. Btw he will ask me like for the 2 last days what your doing? then he will say brb then ill see him after work thats it..... AM I SAYING OR DOING ANYTHING WRONG??? Please help me if i am Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (25 January 2010):
 I'm afraid you will have to do just that, leave him alone. That is one strategy you can apply. I don't know how this marriage can be made to work, it's really a tough situation if you can't even talk. Also, I'm not sure we have a very accurate image of your marriage because some things you say just don't match. If he cares about you as you say why then does he treat you in such a callous manner - telling you: leave me alone, don't touch me, why do you care about my day, etc. I'm not sure you know how to approach him either. To delete that number off his phone was also disrespectful and makes me wonder if you are jealous of every woman he talks to. The fact alone that he keeps a number of an ex coworker doesn't prove much and I wouldn't have thought much of it if everything else was fine, sometimes it just happens that you get along with one or two people from work so you keep in touch only with those, as I know several cases. However all else is NOT fine, he is much too demeaning and aggresive. Was he like this also before marriage? He treats you nicely in front of others so he is not ignorant, he actually knows good manners. Ask him to have a nice, polite talk with you like married couples do. He will probably get all defensive and ask you to leave him alone. Why do you think he doesn't want to talk? I bet all your conversations escalate into fights and get out of hand? That is hard to make better because it's part of the basics. So most think they already know them and therefore why would they want to learn if they know? And talking about learning, many men don't like to be taught so you have to go about solving your problems in the nicest way. At the same time he is everything but nice to you and I have my doubts that you can make this marriage better on your own without specialised help.See if you can live together as friends for a while, not spouses. Stop cooking, cleaning, etc for him because he is not appreciative of all you do so that's one strategy you can apply, out of many, to live together but separated at the same time, just trying to respect each other and your private spaces, no cleaning for both, no intimacy. See if you can spend 5 minutes in the same room without feeling like you are annoying each other, him especially seems to think you are annoying and rejects you in a very disturbing way.So see if you can agree in a friendly way to take a break from each other, tell him that this is not the end of your marriage, just a test to make it better and see how you can clear up your minds and start fresh after you have both had some time to think and can present each other some direction on what to do next to go from this uneasy coexistence to happier and more solid relations.As I said, this is no time to think about his affair. You should focus on trying to be friends and leave behind any disgruntles you have with the other or the direction the marriage is heading, while acknowledging your faults and knowing there is possibility of better supposing you engage all your willingness, care and hard working. Normally the marriage sounds so deteriorated that I would be hesitant to suggest a solution but somehow I feel there is work that can be done on both parts and you requested a solution. But be clear about accepting no more offensiveness and ill spirits from him. If things don't better in a month or so, during which you are correct and nice and he is all but, see a therapist for couples or make it a definitive break. I just read your reply again and it's unbelievable how poorly he treats you at the time, in case he wasn't always so. But maybe it's worth a try if you say you want to try and that you 'love each other' although it doesn't quite seem so to me. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): ok im the one that asked the question. Whell see friday he were like all leave me alone . So i thought he can go and get supper alone, Sine he says i never let him go somewhere alone . He stayed away 2-3 hours where i will be with him it takes 30minutes max! so saterday morning he went and did one of his bobby's where he normal tells me hunny be finish at 10 o clock where going somewhere quickly However he just said see you in a Bit but then stayed away 3hours again and i only told him this You are not fair towards me. Do not know if it were the right thing to do. Because the whole weakend he avoided me saterday night he keeps on doing stuff till the morning hours so that as if he doenst want to come to bed. I will ask him something simpel like wann watch this movie with me . He would say well NO Stop Asking Me Dumb Stuff If I wanna Watch Tv or Movies i will. But in a nasty snapy way. Sunday he barely spoke to me only talked to me when he wanted something to drink . Its almost like he goes out off his way to find something wrong with me or get me something to do. Is it wrong if i wanna relax a bit or watch tv? Bacause when i wanted to watch he switched it off. Tells me im lazy.He keeps on talking to me in a angry voice. infrunt off other people he is nice with me. Sunday when we he went to bed he didnt touch me or say good night we always do it. He didnt want me to touch him also. Whats going on?? Am i doing something wrong i mean i clean , cook, washing ya know all that women stuff we do and i also have a high sex drive so its not like i dont wanna do it all , i even like to do some oral before the time and play with him. He also says he is fed up with my attitude and face!!!
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (22 January 2010):
What is strikingly obvious here is the rudeness and bad communication, never mind the suspicion of an affair for now, you should focus a bit on the basics firstly because if you are living with each other you should be respectful and should have established a set of rules from the start also regarding respect and laid them out very clearly. If when you talk he says "what the ... it's got nothing to do with you how I spent my day" this is not something that can be tolerated inside of a healthy couple. At the first occurence this should have been sorted out or even better - before, during your dating perhaps. I don't know if you are doing something wrong, deleting her number was not a dignified thing to do and if he doesn't have an affair, by acting so insecure and without prove, you will lose in his eyes, a part of what makes you attractive and secure. It's not easy to maintain a relationship on grounds like these. I don't like how he verbally attacks you when you ask simple questions. Are you sincerely concerned or interested in his day or do you come across as if you've been biting your nails all day wondering where and with whom he has been with. I'm afraid that you two seem to need good counselling, someone that witnesses the daily talk between you without interceding in a first instance, to afterward be able to point out some examples of ways you are hurting each other and how to correct that, how to put yourselves in the other's shoes and so on. It's likely that it will take a while for you to solve this and learn respect, and a bit of external help maybe wouldn't hurt. I think your marriage needs to be rebuilt and repaired slowly from the basics. Hopefully you will achieve this.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 January 2010):
Hmm, something is going on here. HE may be saying he's not having an affair, but there are signs here that he is. He actually stood up for another woman rather than you, kept her number but deleted everyone else's, you ask him about his day and he tells you to be quiet, and there are some late nights that don't make sense. There is something going on, whether it's an affair or not. He's denied everything so far, so you need to be a bit sneaky and snoop around. People will say that's morally wrong, but something is happening in his life.
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