A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last week I had a big arguement with my husband. It was the day before a big exam he had and he swore at me several times pushed me and in anger told me to get out. I left but then he rang and profusely apologised. I returned home but was still so angry with him the next day. In anger i pushed him a few times, eventually he slapped me round the face.I was so angry I hit him back and punched him in the chest.I am tormented as to what to do, we were planning to start a family but now I feel this may be a huge mistake.My husband can be verbally abusive to me during a heated arguement and has hit me before, although he has attended counselling and anger management, and we went a year without him hitting me. Do we keep working on this or should I just go??
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female
reader, concerned2009  +, writes (17 November 2009):
 I have not been in your exact situation, but some of it I have been through. You really need to do something I read in a book. It is called the Speaker-Listener method.
Basically you set aside some time to talk. Get something to hold or stand behind. While the person is holding that item or standing he/she is the only one that speaks while the other listens. No interruptions! After you are done speaking ask them to paraphrase what you said or ask them if they need you to clarify anything that you said. Then its your turn to listen and him speak.
Try that. Sometimes lack of communication does turn into fist fights!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): HELL NO YOU DON'T STAY GET OUT NOW!!!!!! You never stay in a relationship where there is abuse whether it is physical, emotional, or verbal. Never, ever stay. Don't you know that you can get killed?! This a reality. You need to talk to people that has lost loved ones because of this.It seems to me that you have temper as well. You also put your hands on your husband as well. If you were that angry, you should have stayed where you were. It seems that you wanted to get back at him for hitting you and you came back for revenge. You never do that with an abusive person. He could have killed you. Did that ever cross your mind? You need to stop and think before you put yourself in these type of situations.As far as starting a family, you've got to be kidding right? Why in God's name would you want to put precious, innocent children in the middle of this nonsense? To be over thirty, you have to know that children learn by example. What kind of example would the two of you be giving them? When you have an argument, you try to kill each other? It's about time you get your head on straight and get the hell out of this toxic marriage, get some counseling for your own issues, and wait on starting a family until there is stability in your life.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (16 November 2009):
 No woman, or man for that matter, should be subject to abuse within the confines of their own home.
What he has done to you is wrong, plain and simple, but what you are doing to him, is just as bad.
I don't see this relationship being one that could nurture a family if neither of you can nurture one another.
You have to ask yourself, would you be happy bringing a baby into the world with this man only to allow it to grow up in a household full of verbal abuse and violence?
Children pick up bad behaviour and learn to do it themselves. Maybe not in all cases but the things you learn in your home, with the people who care for you throughout your life, stays with you and makes you who you are.
If you love this man, if he loves you, you really need to seek counciling again - it might work for the long term, but be prepared for it to work only in the short term, and keep your options open.
This does not sound to me like a stable, loving relationship and I think you both need to talk and consider going your separate ways. The only way you'll know for sure that you are doing the right thing, is to do what you feel in your heart.
I wish you the very best of luck xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 November 2009):
Wow! That's quite a post. He's hit you before and it seems to be coming back. Not a good sign. If you want to make this work, I'd really consider the counselling again, but to be completely honest, even though you did push him, he slapped you and has therefore proved that he hasn't changed. He'll do it again before long. You might be safer leaving him now and focusing on your own life for a while.
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