A
female
age
,
*illyc
writes:Hi - my husband and I recently agreed to separate, we had been drifting apart for years mainly due to his job in a record company which entailed a lot of nights out, socialising etc. I understood this requirement of the job but he got into recreational drugs and started hanging out with a younger crowd of which he was the only one married with kids and it not surprisingly took its toll on our marriage. Our sex life ground to a halt as he was always too tired and our social life ground to a halt as he was always knackered from the previous week to do much with me and our two teenage sons at weekends. I got to resent his falling asleep in front of the TV or in the garden. He also has a penchant for internet porn and the last straw was when I saw an email he'd sent of his "private parts" to a complete stranger. Anyhow I now have a lovely new man and am very happy. My ex has a new woman (she found him through an internet dating site) and I am finding it very difficult to cope with. I saw the profile he posted on the site and barely recognised this "wonderful" man who was full of the joys of life and wanted someone to share it with! The first date with this new woman - an internationally famous make up artist (why couldn't he meet a nice ordinary girl) involved a shag at her place on her 50th birthday! We have agreed to try and co-exist amicably for the boys sake and have agreed that one of us will always be at home for them. Last weekend he came home reeking of this woman, and she'd put a thong in his jeans pocket. I went mad and he is wondering why I have such strong emotions when I have this lovely new man. I just find it very galling that he is making an effort after the very poor quality years I have had with him, and also has an appetite for sex having come nowhere near me in months... These strong emotions I feel are poisoning me, in a nutshell I don't want him to be happy having made me miserable for years and I resent this "new man" he has become. We can't afford to live separately.
View related questions:
drugs, my ex, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LInda E Cole  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 I tend to agree with what Eve has said in her comments but would like to add that your husbands change of heart is no reflection on you.We all learn from each other and when we are in a close relationship sometimes feelings change as people grow and evolve.Just because your husband stopped caring about you should not make you feel less of a person. Ask yourself what has been gained by knowing you husband and try to take that with you into your new relationship. it could be that you outgrew each other in different ways so try not to feel bitterness instead look at what you have now and find joy in it.The one thing I have learned from the relationships is that they are a learning experience and if you are willing to take the lesson and experience for what it is then you will not look back in anger or remorse but forward to your new adventure. Good luck and enjoy your new relationship.
A
female
reader, jillyc +, writes (16 February 2007):
jillyc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to the last anonymous poster, your message has done me the world of good. I know you are right, he needs to get out of my space and I would love to get rid of all his clutter, porn mags etc etc and re-decorate to MY taste! His new woman would be most interested to learn that I am still washing his dirty underpants and cooking his food - I'm not a martyr, he does a bit round the house too, but this situation is intolerable. I have been to all intents and purposes a single parent the last few years, I might as well be one properly.
PS I took that thong (size 16 for God's sake) and burnt it - most satisfying - should have sent it back to her saying "I think this cheap piece of tat is yours"
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007): Hi There,
I really feel for you, and my advice would be that the two of you find a way to live apart. It may seem impossible financially, but it isn't, there will be a way.
Seeing your husband and knowing what he is up to day to day with this woman is making you miserable, out of sight, you won't have to cope with it and will be able to start moving on.
I don't think you are going to be able to get over him properley if you don't have your own space. You and he are no longer an item and you now need the peace of mind of being able to close your own front door and have your own space.
Its lovely that you have a new man, but it seems to me that what you may need is some time to your self, to build your confidence back and to have tome to adjust to being the person who you really are after having been half of a couple for 25 years.
You need space and as little contact with your husband as possible, how are you ever going to heal with him rubbing your nose in it every 5 minutes.
Also, may I add that he is currently in his honeymoon period with Miss Thong-in-the-pocket (who does that by the way?!) But sooner or later that will wear off for them and she will see the real him that you know all too well. By then, you will have moved on and be living and feeling like tha fabulous lady that you are and he will be a sad, middle aged man - the tables will turn Sweetie, sure as eggs are eggs!
I hope it works out and do keep us posted on here. xxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, jillyc +, writes (16 February 2007):
jillyc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for these answers - what is eating me up, making me so unhappy, is seeing my husband making an effort with his new woman who hasn't seen his other side yet where I have had to put up with the worst of him for all these years. If he had made more of an effort when we were together we might not be in this mess now. I do have a lovely new man and I am happy with him but this doesn't change the sadness, bitterness and pain I feel about the end of a 25 year relationship. My husband admits he has been selfish and "no angel" and my self-esteem is very low, why wasn't I enough for him? I feel tangible pain when I look at our wedding photos, baby pictures etc. Re living separately, the nature of his job means that if I moved out the boys would spend a lot of time on their own, they are still only teenagers and one is still at school so this is not an option. He should be the one to move out but refuses to discuss it as it would mean sleeping on a mate's couch.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2007): You need to seperate yourself from him. Someone needs to move out. The type thing you describe is exactly why no one does what you are trying to do. I hear you when you say you cannot afford it, but really its always a matter of choices. Get a paying roomate if you need to, second job, different less expensive living quarters, better job... My children and I lived at the poverty level for a couple years after my ex left. I will always remember how financially strained those years were,(you really cannot imagine what we went through and how difficult it was) but that was strong motivation to better my job skills. Anyway we are fine now and he pays me nothing.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (15 February 2007):
 When he was with you he fell into a rut. Your married life was habitual and he took you very much for granted. He only saw you as "nagging" him and was bored with his lot in life. You too were sick to the teeth of how things were going hence the seperation.
Now YOU have your new man and he has his new woman. Life is exciting for him again, he's got a spring in his step again and you don't like that. If you have no intentions of wanting to get back with him again (which you would need to work on from what I read about this other woman) then I suggest one of you move out! That's the only way to get peace of mind here.
I know it will be hard for you but NOT impossible. Either he goes or you do. The boys will be fine. I'm sure they'll much prefer to share parents who are at peace with one another rather than live together with all this hate and resentment going on. It's not doing them any good, they'll feel the tension and hear the arguments and see all these emotions you're having.
You really need to sit down and talk with your ex and let him know that you think it's best that you part ways. If it means putting the house up for sale then so be it. Even if you have to rent, it would be much better than the existance you're living at the moment.
What about this new man of yours? Would he let you move in with him until you got yourself sorted out?
Eve
...............................
|
