A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How to deal with society ? The story is that my husband and I became more friends than a married couple. Sex is long not in a picture, which doesn't seem to bother any of us. It's not like it's gone forever, sometimes we do it when get tipsy or when we travel, but on a regular basis, no. Kids are grown, we are stil in our 40s and life is good for both of us. We used to argue a lot when kids were at home, we used to stress about our business that we run together, we used to ruin our vacations and outing all the time by starting little petty fights, but not anymore. And the reason why we don't do this anymore is because we don't spend this much time with each other. We developed hobbies and made new friends without involving each other. I have my friends from my dance studio that never saw my husband. He has his biker friends that most of them I never saw. Every Wednesday he goes with his bikers for a beer, and I sometimes have girls nights out, but even if I stay home, I enjoy my evening with a book or a good movie. We work together at least 4 days a week, and after work he usually wants to go home. But I don't want to go home early as I fell asleep fast and wake up in a middle of the night. So, I started making little dates with my friends see if they want to do happy hour. Sometimes I find someone, sometimes I go alone and I am fine with it. I am actually looking forward to my couple hours of being myself having little wine after work. Then little by little our weekends changed also. We like to do different things on weekends. I like to spend one day at the beach, and he gets bored there. I prefer to stay in on Saturdays nights as after spending all week among people I don't like crowds. He goes every weekend to see his friends for a drink. I don't think there is anyone else there, it's just we kind of found what we like doing with our free time, and feel comfortable with it. I started traveling by myself and love it. We visit children separately and it works perfectly. Of course birthday parties or weddings we go together, but lately we take separate cars and leave at different hours when we feel like it. All would be perfect but I started getting remarks from many people who surrounds us. Friends, family, children, even our customers make comments about how I travel by myself, how my husband is never Ina picture in any gatherings. I study Italian, and my Italian teacher invited us next week for a Christmas party. My husband saw her once, he doesn't speak Italian, it will be all Italians there who will speak only Italian, I am sure. He went to couple parties and he said he doesn't want to go next week. My Italian teacher already mentioned it several times that I should bring him. Why? I am ok to go without him, why does it so much bother her that he is not coming? I am asked everywhere I go, on my travels too, how does your husband lets you go by yourself? What do they even mean, let's me? We don't ask each other permission to do things. We advice of course and keep each other informed, but we don't "let" each other do things separately. One guy in one of my clubs even suggested that I made my husband up, so no one would hit on me. Any thoughts on why it seems to bother everyone and how to handle this situation?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2013):
 IF it works for you then it's GREAT. I'd learn to practice that "stare" you give folks that ask things like 'what color is your underwear?' which is the same as what they are asking you now.
MY marriage is often questioned.. but it works for us... if yours works for you and YOU and your HUSBAND are TRULY happy then... just fix them a "none of your business" stare and ask in that sweet voice: "I don't understand the question, can you rephrase it please?" PUT THEM ON the spot.
I will say however, if the questions bother you, is it maybe because deep down inside you are NOT happy with how things are and would PREFER your spouse to do things with you?
A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (3 December 2013):
I think couples like you are the norm out there.My wife and I are the same.The perception these days is that couples are at it all the time with ecstatic sex lives but the reality is the exact opposite.So long you're both honest with one another and neither cheats.Cheating is always the knife in the back for the other partner.All trust is lost then.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2013):
 I find the best way to handle intrusive questions is to ask questions back. For example, "My Italian teacher already mentioned it several times that I should bring him." You then went on to ask: "Why? I am ok to go without him, why does it so much bother her that he is not coming?" Well, ASK him.
Try asking your teacher this: "Filomena, it seems to bother you that my husband isn't coming to this event. He's been very busy and won't be able to attend. Why is this so troubling to you?"
You say "I am asked everywhere I go, on my travels too, how does your husband lets you go by yourself? What do they even mean, let's me?" Exactly. Ask them,
'what do you mean, he's "lets me" travel? Do you mean to suggest that I have to ask permission of my husband to travel? Wouldn't you consider that to be sexist thinking?'
Turn it back on them. Ask the follow up question, calmly and with no emotion. "What do you mean?" "I don't follow, what are you implying?" "I'm sorry, you are asking a question that I don't understand, could you please rephrase it?"
The best way to handle people like that is to keep on asking questions until they reveal their own prejudices and biases. It's a piece of cake.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 December 2013):
 My husband and I do things separately and together, and ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as you both are happy! How you live your life and marriage is between him and you.
That being said, it's always good to ask your husband periodically how he is, and how "we" are (we being the marriage). People always change, and it's good to check in and make sure that your partner is as happy with everything as you. Never assume that he always feels the same as you.
It's hard to ask "are you okay with our sex life" or "what could we do to make our marriage better" or "are you happy in our marriage", but those are healthy questions to ask even when times are good! I've seen many times where one spouse is happy and content only to find that the other spouse has been secretly miserable behind a "everything's okay" front.
Make sure that no matter what the activities, vacations, alone time, fun time, and friend time, that you both are spending plenty of one-on-one meaningful conversation face to face without distractions.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 December 2013):
 It's nobody's business but yours how you make your marriage work. Sounds to me like you've got an arrangement that works for both of you. Better than splitting up. Personally the older I get the less I care what other people think. Perhaps they're threatened, perhaps they're just more comfortable in a predictable, conventional world. If you feel the need to say anything to people who ask, just say that you and your husband are very happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): No, we didn't make any "arrangements" on how to spend our time separately, it's just happened. We did lots of things together because of children, but now when they left, we do things on our own because we have different tastes, and different circle of friends.
I travel more because I like it, my husband can go on vacation once a year for a week, and it's enough for him. We deffinitely don't avoid spending time together, but because we don't hang out ALL THE TIME together it gives us room to breath.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2013):
 I think people keep commenting on it because it's not the "norm".
However as long as you and your husband LIKE your arrangement that is all that should matter. Is it something you two have talked about or just a pattern that arose and you fell into?
Personally, I find it odd too. I DO things without my husband (he does things without me) but I rather enjoy doing things with him too, not find ways to avoid him. (because you post kind makes me think you two haven't adjusted to the empty nest syndrome and instead of figuring it out you do what is easiest) but.. I could be wrong, very wrong.
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