A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I found out recently that my husband of 9 yrs (we have young kids) has been seeing escorts and of course he is denying sleeping with them. 11 months ago, he says he started "looking into" escorts because his close friend was coming into town and asked him to look up some escorts for him so he could be with them during his visit. So he claims that he would call them up and then go to their location, take a look and them and tell them that he is checking what they "look" like for his friend and then he pretends to be going to the ATM when they say "what about you" and he leaves. So he started this and it got out of control to where he was calling and visiting them multiple times daily for months -- over 1000 calls throughout the day and night. He visited during work, after work and it appears based on the phone bill, sometimes at night when I was asleep. He called all night sometimes desperately for hours I suppose looking for someone close by. I found out after seeing it pop up on his phone when I was looking for something else and of course he lied and lied, but I checked the phone bill and he then "confessed" to only seeing them but nothing physical. I don't believe him. The only thing that I can't figure out is how he pays for it. I checked his bank account records and there is no strange amount of money coming out. There is also nothing suspect coming out of our joint accounts. I got his credit report and then matched it up to his credit cards and still didn't find anything odd in terms of purchases. So, I although I find it to be unlikely that someone would go to see a whore (expert seller of sex) and not even get a BJ, I can't find a single money trail. I am wondering if there is another way to hide the spending. I even checked if there was any excessive cash back activities on cards/bank accounts for store purchases and nothing.... Could he be sick enough to have a fetish where he just wants to look at the whores?? I'm devastated and betrayed and plan to leave, but I also wish I could know the truth as to whether he actually had physical contact with them. I really think he did because the contact was very frequent but I don't know how he's hiding the money trail. In all our years of dating and marriage he was never been able to have sex twice in a row or really twice in one day, so I also don't understand how he found the ability to have sex so often because this was daily. That leads a small voice in my head to believe that maybe he didn't have physical contact with them as he said, but the large voice in my head says "are you stupid" because he lied and lied and lied. He has yet to confess anything, everything I know is because I found out/investigated.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (11 December 2015):
 Sorry but I don't buy it for a second. I would imagine a man with such restraint not to allow himself to have sex with an escort on as many occasions as mentioned, would have enough restraint not to call them in the first place. Hypothetically, and a big one, if he did only go there to chat he has still cheated on you emotionally and of course there is the lying. Rarely would I ever think anyone ever gets the whole truth from a cheating spouse so therefore are forever living with the insecurity of doubt. Can say how he maybe finding the money, but at the end of the day talking or having sex, it's not a charity service so either way your being duped.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 December 2015):
 Sure..... and it don't snow in Minneapolis in the winter time.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2015): I found out randomly by looking for something else on his phone which led me to check his history. He has an addiction clearly but even though no matter what I hear it doesn't change the fact that he lied, cheated, broke our vows etc, I just want to know what he could've been doing with them so frequently because it's hard to believe that he just wanted to see how they look. Sounds crazy. We have started couples therapy and he is in individual therapy but for me the only way I could really consider seeing this process through is if nothing physical happened.....but I will really never know
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (10 December 2015):
 I'm wondering if he is the type who gets off watching other people ie. in this case his friend. In any case it is a situation which needs opening to the light of day before you can make any decisions about what to do next.
I think you need an ally to support you through this. Either a counsellor or a close family member.
You don't say how you found out about his many visits. I am alarmed when you say he made numerous visits daily. Some of the phone calls could be phone sex I suppose. In any case it sounds like an addiction which has got out of control. Perhaps you should visit a relationship counsellor together.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (10 December 2015):
 Go with your instinct on this. Whatever it says listen to it and ignore everything he says in defense. My guess is he did have physical contact as it sounds like he may have hit an end with some issues in your sex life and was afraid or embarrassed to talk about them so he cheated. Thats WHAT my instinct says here but its yours that matters. Good luck and im sorry to hear this.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 December 2015):
 Will knowing if he had physical contact change the fact that he cheated and lied? NO.
he cheated on you
he lied to you
he cheated on his family and he's blaming it on his friend.
I feel like if you can PROVE he didn't touch them that you might be inclined to forgive him.
it doesn't matter. He hid something from you. he lied to you
he cheated you.
what difference would touching them make?
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