A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my husband and my step-daughter. The problem I'm having is that when me and my husband get into adult conversations, he always feels the need to bring his daughter into the conversation to get her opinion, mainly when he is trying to prove me wrong. I have asked him several times not to do this or to take the conversations that we have to another room but nothing changes. I feel that he brings her into the conversation to make it so that I don't fight and to be honest, it works. What should I do?I would also like to point out that he pulls her into the conversation no matter what it's about. I am saying this so as not to confuse anyone into thinking that he does this only when we are talking about her. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2012):
 I do think he is treating you as a child or an immature person, one who knows nothing and he knows everything. Which makes the marriage/relationship very uneven.
The fact that he bring in his 14 year old to weigh in on issues makes me think that he kind of regard you as HER peer not his.
I agree with So_Very, you two need a neutral 3rd person to help you two communicate on an even level.
5 Languages of Love is another good book.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 June 2012):
 He's not treating you as a spouse he's treating you in a parental manner and bringing his teenaged daughter into the conversations is putting you in the same place in his mind as she is... A CHILD.
He's erroneously implying that the age gap is the issue. People like this make me angry......
I'm the older partner in my relationship by 13 years... I would never imply that my partner didn't have enough life experience since, if they weren't an adult they would not be with me.
Your husband is really out of line, children do NOT belong in the middle of adult fights.
Personally I think a third party counselor may be in order to get him to see why he's out of line...
he's PARENTING you.... he may not be doing it on purpose but it's clear he sees you as an equal to HIS CHILD not HIM.
I'd put a stop to this now... either he treats you like an adult and an equal or he ends up alone yet again.
It's men like him that give age gap relationships the bad rep they sometimes deserve.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 June 2012):
 You write: "He doesn't regard me as immature..."Have you ever read the book "I'm OK; You're OK"? If not, go get a copy and do so.... It's frustrating - and not healthy - to live in a "parent/child" relationship.....Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't regard me as immature. At least, he doesn't come out and say that. He just makes me feel like I can't make decisions on my own. That I need to listen to him because he's done more than me. Kinda sounds like a speech my dad would give me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2012):
I think he needs to stop dragging his daughter into your debates/discussions/arguments - she is 14 and all this is making a wedge between you and her.. Maybe that is what he is hoping to create?
Does he regard you as a teenager? Or as immature as one?
Yea, it wouldn't fly with me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOur ages are as follows:Me: 27Husband: 38Step-Daughter: 14.One example was when me and him were talking about him constantly looking at my text messages and he found a nickname that one of my guys friends used to call me when we were younger. When we started talking again, he called me by the nickname and my husband thought it was inappropriate. I told him it was just a stupid nickname and I text my friend back and told him not to call me that anymore. Then he told me that he doesn't like the guy because of that one incident and called his daughter downstairs, told her the situation and asked for her opinion. None of her business and it made me look like a fool or look like I was doing something wrong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2012):
Sounds like he is trying 3 things:
-making YOU look bad in front of his daughter
-include his daughter in your arguments/discussions
-valuing her opinion over yours.
Honestly, sit him down when she is out of the house and ask him WTF is going on.
I'm also curious as the the ages of you all.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Is there a huge age difference between you and your husband? How old is the step-daughter?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 June 2012):
Some parents go overboard in trying to be a "friend" with their child.... Your hubby seems to be one of them....
Take him aside, when daughter isn't around, and calmly tell him that some of your (your's and his) conversations are between you (two) and ONLY between you, and you wish for him to keep his daughter out of them.....
IF he fails to agree to this... then your only alternative is to DISCONTINUE having most-ANY conversation with him when his daughter is close enough to be brought in to that conversation. If/when he notices and mentions it, remind him that YOU are not going to include his child in YOUR converstions..... (And STICK to this!!!!)....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): Can you give an example of a conversation he has roped her into? He sounds a little childish to me.
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