A
female
age
41-50,
*hae456
writes:What do you do when you are so very in love with your husband, but can't handle the fact that he had an emotional affair? I struggle on a day to day basis knowing that he actually "put someone in the middle" of our relationship. Him and I, (so I thought) had a wonderful, loving, affectionate, sexually good relationship. In October 2012 my husband broke the news to me that he was talking to another woman. I asked if he had slept with her, he denied. He said he didn't put a hand on her and stated that she "listened" to him. He proceeded to tell me that I never listen to him when it comes to my 3 children and that he is the only one that scolds them. He willingly put himself in that position from my point of view. I try doing it myself but he always puts his two sense worth. He started blaming me for HIS actions-which I think is normal for his behavior. He was just thinking of excuses as to why he did what he did. He said he had a crush on her, went to her house 6 times (one time was for 4 hours-ALL ALONE!!) I really struggle with thinking "nothing" happened!! My mind just constatnly races and thinks of what could have happened. My trust is completely gone. I love him sooo much though. We have been married for 6 1/2 years- together for a little over 9 years all together. No kids together. I bring up the emotional affair almost on a daily basis because I can not move on from it. It started in Sept 2012 and ended in November 2012. I don't know if it is worth getting divorced over, but I am driving myself crazy with these thoughts. I have tried counseling, talking with friends etc. I feel like this girl runs my life. I worry about running into her in town. I worry about my husband running into her at work and the feelings would come back. He says he just had a crush on her but didn't love her or anything. That bothers me SO much that he actually had a crush on someone else!!! I don't know if there is a way to control my brain of these thoughts or what. I don't have an answer for myself. I am just in my own little world feeling very lonely and insecure. So much has been taken away from me. Any advise would be helpful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): Hi, I know exactly what you are going through as I am in almost the same position. It happened with my husband (of 17 years), over a year ago. He told me the very basics that he thought he had to tell me to avoid us splitting up, but his story never made sense. I was too weak and emotional to do anything at the time so just let it lie. It never sat right with me though, and occasionally I would bring it all back up again because i felt i needed the whole truth. A year later he has confessed more, and I am devastated all over again. I am virtually back to square one. I for one would not like you to be feeling how i have felt for a year. You need him to confess the whole truth no matter how bad and take time to deal with it. Personally what worked for me was booking a lie detector test, he assured me he would pass it but then a few days ago confessed a whole lot more, i probably dont even need the test now. If you have doubts then it probably is because his story doesnt make sense, I dont know how you can get the truth but you really need to. Look up trickle truth, its a common way that cheaters deal with things. I wish you the best of luck and if you want to talk more then please contact me.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2013):
 I don’t think that marriage counseling is what’s needed at this point Shae. I think what you need is personal counseling for yourself to figure out what you want to do. It’s not an easy thing. Maybe I’m TOO forgiving. I know my mother forgave my father an affair after 25 years of marriage and they went on to live happily ever after till she sadly died of cancer 11 years later.
I am glad you are receptive to counseling. I have done it many times over the years, sometimes long term for ongoing issues and sometimes shorter term for things that are flaring up. I think it's a very helpful tool for most folks.
I wish you peace in finding your answers.
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A
female
reader, shae456 +, writes (4 April 2013):
shae456 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo_Very_Confused-- I agree that counseling would possibly benefit. We went to marriage counseling but it didnt really help me any. I think I will try a different counselor. I do know that my husband loves me and honestly know he regrets what he did, but I just need to find a way to fix my way of thinking in order to get over this-if possible. The main problem at this point is ME now. I know he don't want to lose me but I need to find a way to fix myself :( I will try to stay more focused on the positives and try more counseling....Time will tell all~ Thanks for your input. Much appreciated!!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2013):
OP, if it’s over 4 months and you are not letting it go, I suggest some counseling for you to figure out if you want to get out of the marriage or figure out how to forgive him for his indiscretion. Then I suggest some couples counseling, if you decide to stay married to work on your communication skilss with each other.
Holding grudges is not healthy. Telling you about it AFTER the fact, does not garner brownie points in my book. Of course, he does get bonus points for the fact that he told you at all.
If you do not think you can or want to get past this (holding grudges is about not wanting to let go of anger and hurt and move on) then work on it. If not, then get out now sooner rather than later.
IF the other woman did blow him off because he was married, then if you truly love him you will want him happy no matter what and setting him free gives him the chance to find someone who will love him with all his faults.
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A
female
reader, shae456 +, writes (3 April 2013):
shae456 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe said he had a crush on her and she "listened"to him. He said he wanted her he could've have her, but he cared too much for me. The texts were out of hand and he left the house just to text her occasionally. Meanwhile I'm taking care of the kids, taking them to sports games etc. I was oblivious!! That definately crossed the line in my book. I constanly think something did happen, that's why I have so many issues right now. If he slept with her I would LEAVE no questions asked, but he denies anything happened so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard shell!! He said he has not talked to her since he told me about is and said he came out and TOLD me and wants credit for that. I definately haven't forgiven him for this. I am a grudge holder in the first place which makes me think I will always feel unsettled in our relationship and never trust him again. It is so hard to be in my shoes and do have a MAJOR problem with the fact that he had feelings for this other person. Splitting is so hard to do, but I honestly dont think I'll ever get past this. It's already been 4- 5 months!! I find it very hard to act like nothing ever happened~ Thanks for all your input. I REALLY appreciate it!!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2013):
I know how you feel and how your husband feels if that makes sense to you.
IMO his only huge mistake is not taking responsibility for his unhappiness and bad behavior. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
One of the things I've always done with my partner is ask him 'how are you?' and then ask "AND how are WE??" meaning HOW is our relationship.... it makes him think and while he may not be ok we may be ok or vice versa.
"How are you?" is very different from "how are WE?"
It's possible that all they did was talk and talk and talk. He may have put the moves on her and she may have shut him down... and it may have been more than he says or just what he says...
IF all they did was talk and talk and talk about stuff... not talking about being together or such.. then it may not have even been an emotional affair.
It can be a fine line (I'm offering a different POV from everyone else because I know that there have been times when I've been married and been exceptionally close to men outside of my relationship but never had any intent of cheating no matter what was said in the friendship)
I'd be inclined to believe her. He's lying to himself (and you) about things but maybe not about the fact that he was not physical with her. The problem for me is an emotional affair would bug me so much more than a physical one because I know men will stick it anywhere they can and don't need a reason. but an emotional affair... that means something totally different.
Crushes happen. they don't mean your partner doesn't love you. Again my only concern is his refusal to own his behavior.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): I don't mean to upset you, but I have been the other woman in this exact situation and I can tell you now that your husband is completely, 110% lying to you. He most likely lied his face off to this other woman, too. My experience is so freakishly similar to the other side of yours. Most likely something did/is happening with them, and he is telling her he is leaving you, and lying to you that nothing happened and it was just a "crush." The blaming you for all the issues is proof of that. He wants a way out and is too much of a coward to do it himself. Men who do this are reliant on co-dependent relationships with their wives so that they won't be left alone, despite all the complaining they do. Leave, and leave now. Take your kids and get a good lawyer. As long as you make excuses for him and forgive him, he will keep doing this. Even if "nothing physical" happened, why would you want to be married to someone who has significant feelings for another person? That is not normal OR remotely ok.
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A
female
reader, shae456 +, writes (2 April 2013):
shae456 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe didn't know the exact month.. maybe august or september is when the crush first started. He was fixing tile at work and she asked if he does tile work on the side. HE said yes. Went to her house, fixed the tile in her shower. He said she sat there and talked to him while he was working. It just built up from there. He liked the attention he was getting. I pulled the text records and texts were minimal in sept and very frequent in october and especially November. Every morning... throughout the day. Texts went from: Sept: 330 //Oct: 450 or so// Nov. about 1000. That's when he supposedly told her that he loves me and wants to work on our relationship and that what he was doing wasn't right. (texting and going to her house). He wouldn't tell me her name so I did a search with her ph # and found out who she was. I went to her house- which is out of character for me, but love makes you CRAZY!!! She denied anything happened.. she said she didn't know him well enough to do anything.. she said she was lonely and she could've talked to anyone. She was also talking to 4 other guys... anyway that same day my husband ended up calling her (before he knew I was going over there) and told her that something might be up. She then told him "your wife just left my house", and then told him that he is too much drama and didn't want to deal with it. So I believe what you say is correct.. and that just "sank in"... she probably made the final straw and completely ended it because of the drama. .. I do see though currently that he seems to be trying but not hard enough. I have 3 kids from a previous relationship, yes. He has been in their lives for 9 years... practically raised them from infants. what you say completely makes sense though. I just need to stop being blinded by love and face reality :( So much easier said than done though!!
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A
female
reader, shae456 +, writes (2 April 2013):
shae456 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he pretty much blames me for his actions- which infuriates me!! YOU should have been there/YOU should listen to me etc. I literally had NO CLUE that anything was even wrong!! He did not discuss any issues he had with me UNTIL he started talking to this other person. He then started making up all these excuses once she was in the picture.... mind you, he is 30 and this OW is 41!! She seems like a really manupulative person to me and made him start questioning his and my relationship. She was lonely and needed company while her boyfriend was SERVING OUR COUNTRY!! He came back January of this year!! My husband told me in November that he is done talking to her and he wants to work on our relationship. He has apologized for doing what he did. It just isnt the same between us anymore. I asked him what his thoughts are.. if he thought it's different and he said "no that's just in your head." I hate how I am feeling!! I understand time is what I need.. but it just isn't coming back. I resent him for this. I also don't feel like I should give him the satisfaction of being able to get away with something like this. We went to marriage counseling, but it didn't work for me. Maybe I just need to try for a different counselor?! Anyway~ thanks so much for the response :) Glad someone will listen to me out there ;) I think my friends and family are sick of hearing it. I just feel alone in a world full of people lol. I will try to stop beating myself up, but it's hard to not think something is wrong with you if your husband had to go get emotionally involved with someone else :(
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 April 2013):
 I read your post 3 times, and on the third time, some things jumped out at me in a sort of "read between the lines" thing. Bottom line -- you have every right to be upset, and you are NOT to blame for anything he's done. His words about how you never listen etc. are utterly worthless, untrue, and he was talking out of his ass. Here's why:
These are my observations and opinions based on the information you gave. If there's more info you haven't shared, it may change, but here are my thoughts:
1. He was over to her house a lot. HOWEVER, he said his crush started in September and ended in November of the same year? Who has 2 month crushes? I'll tell you who:
2. He still wants her, but she's shot him down. He made a move on her, either verbally or physically, and she told him she's not going to have sex with a married man.
3. He still wants her, and if she had given into him, they would be having sex right now. She played with the idea of the affair, but didn't pull the trigger on him. HE did not end it. She did.
4. Here's why I say SHE ended it, not him, no matter what he said: She made you the obstacle that keeps him from sleeping with her, so of course he has to blame you. He's trying to break you down so that you'll eventually leave him. If you're out of the picture, he can go back to her and say "I'm free now". Stupid shallow thinking, but that's on his mind.
5. Why do you think he told you about her? He's WANTING to blow up the marriage to get to her. The whole "You don't listen" is the lamest most pathetic excuse alive. Did he listen to you? Did he try marriage counseling if he really believed it, or is he calling up old tired fights in order to try and excuse his behavior and turn it on you in hopes you'll leave him or at least fight more so he can get to her?
You have three kids from a previous relationship? You husband wants out of the marriage, plain and simple. With her in place, he has a reason now to want out. This object of his affection won't let him sleep with her as a married man. Your husband isn't the least bit interested in making it work with you. He wants to get out.
I say kick him to the curb, but don't dare blame yourself for his crap. He's thinking with his penis, and she won't let him touch her as someone's husband. He's already divorced from you...all he's wanting now is the paper. Now, could that change when he gets the divorce papers from you and really gets his wish only to find himself out in the cold? Possibly, but I wouldn't let that dog back into my life if he tried blaming me for his crap.
The girl does not run your life. In fact, I'm guessing it was out of respect for you that she ended things with him, feeling it was getting way out of hand and not wanting to be his little plaything on the side. A 2 month crush? How stupid. See right through his stupid lying, cheating crap. If she hadn't refused him, the affair wouldn't be emotional, but physical.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 April 2013):
 I can understand losing total trust in him, and THAT takes a lot of time and work to regain.
Does he still think it's all YOUR fault that he "strayed"? Or has he in fact manned up and taken responsibility for his actions?
Why did it end? Did he end it to work on his marriage with you? Or because SHE ended it?
It IS easy to blame yourself for this, BUT if he instead had TALKED TO you and worked on whatever it was that bothered him, it might not have gone there. So do me a favor and STOP beating yourself up, YOU DID NOT MAKE him do what he did. THAT was his CHOICE.
I would actually suggest the TWO of you find a couples counselor and talk this out. Figure out what you NEED from him in order to rebuild trust because you can't do that alone either. HE owes you that at least.
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