A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my partner have been together for 3 years, we both love eachother alot and have had our fair share of problems but we cant seem to be apart. Recently we have been having a lot of arguments and it is begining to tear us apart. No matter how much we talk the problems just arnt being solved. He just thinks I am always moaning and that I expect to much from him whereas I think he is making very little effort. About 99 percent of the time when we see eachother he is usually to 'tired' from going out or working or seeing his friends to even give me a cuddle or kiss, he just sits and watches tv and barely acknowledges that I am there. He rarely wants to have sex. If we do its great and we have sex many times in the space of a few days or we will go weeks without and i often get very frustrated with this. I have tried talking to him and he just says he cant help it if he is not in the mood, he suggested i try more to get him in the mood but the problem is he doesnt even let me get close enough to do anything he will find any excuse he can not to. He never compliments me, and rarely tells me he loves me he only ever says it if i say it to him first. I have tried talkignt to him but he thinks I am "living in a fairy tale" and this is normal of a 3 year relationship. But it just isnt enough to keep me happy. I absolutely love him and in my eyes as a person he is the perfect guy. I do not believe that he is cheating on me and I know deep down he loves me, if he didnt he would not still be here putting up with my complaints about him. But he is just not showing it. I just really do not know what to do about it. Am I just expecting to much?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 April 2013):
 You say he’s perfect because he’s EVERYTHING you are looking for in a person. BUT HE’S NOT honey.
This is not your fault OR his fault. This is just what it is. Your sex drive is higher than his. This means either you stay accept his level of sex drive or you leave or you stay and remain unhappy.
Sometimes LOVE is not enough.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 April 2013):
 I agree with CMMP -- if he isn't making you happy -- what makes this the perfect guy?
I think you are frustrated because reality isn't matching your fantasy. You are wearing rose colored glasses in your relationship. You want a man who wants sex regularly, you would always get along, and all your arguments would be productive. But clearly this isn't the case and in reality that's hardly the case.
Something isn't working here. Either the love has faded and he has checked out, or there is an emotional disconnect going on. You don't really tell us about the details of your arguments but the important thing is to do more LISTENING than talking when you are arguing. Too often when couples argue, they think they are right 100% of the time and fail to acknowledge the other party's position. Hopefully you are looking at things through his eyes. Also, hopefully you ask the question, periodically, "What can WE do to solve this so that we are both happy?" Instead of being right all the time, strive to show each other how much you mean to one another.
I would recommend that you seek out counseling. Perhaps a certified therapist can give you the tools to better communicate.
You may also want to consider writing your boyfriend a letter -- express to him the pain and hurt you are feeling about the lack of sex and intimacy. Keep it short and with no accusations... you want something constructive and let him know how much he means to you. Almost like a mini, heart-felt Valentine's Day card.
Finally, you may want to look at reality. Your boyfriend is FAR from perfect and unfortunately your relationship and time with one another may have run its course. If he isn't willing to meet you half way, your relationship is not perfect (and nor is he). You'll wind up unhappy and frustrated if you are the only one trying. Not all couples are meant to be, and it may be simply time to call it a day.
But whatever you do -- take some sort of action. Rarely do these types of situations fix themselves and if they somehow do, they will definitely reoccur later down the road because you don't have the tools to work out your differences in a positive manner.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): I mean he is perfect in every way in that he is everything I look for in a person and more. Funny, charismatic, charming, we share very similar interests, outgoing, ambitious, and on top of that absolutely beautiful.
Sorry my head is abit messed up as I am just so confused as to whether this is more my fault, his, both or neither! I have no idea.
I really dont think we would still be together if he didnt love me, he is a very strong character and I doubt he would chose to be with me or spend any time with me what so ever if he didnt love me. One thing we have got is very strong trust, it has never been broken.
Past problems have been related to separate issues that we seemed to get through and deal with, but these recent issues has really pushed us to our limits.
He has started socializing with new people (who take alot of drugs), spending alot of time working out and he is also working very hard so I do suspect that they are playing a key part in this. Partly I feel like he has just got abit lazy and is taking our relationship for granted im not quite sure if he will snap out of it. His family and friends and my friends all tell me how he says he is so happy with me so I just cant understand why he doesnt show it when he is with me.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (2 April 2013):
 From what you are saying, it seems as though this string of arguments that you say have only just begun to tear you two apart, has stemmed from a problem that most likely quite early on. Only you did not see it. You have been together for 3 years, surely you must have known about the type of man he is?
You say you know he loves you but, you say that he comes up with excuses for the most minuscule of gestures and that he barely acknowledges that you are there. You have talked about this time and time again but nothing has changed. So tell me, How do you know for a fact that he loves you? And why do you think he is the perfect guy?
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 April 2013):
If he's not making you happy how is he the perfect guy? That doesn't make a lot sense.
You ARE expecting too much- from him. Meaning you have the right to expect whatever you want and he has the right to disappoint you. That means you aren't compatible. So are you going to stay with the the perfect guy and be miserable or find a guy you're more compatible with and be happy?
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