A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my husband for 13 years now. We first met when I was on holiday in Edinburgh, Scotland back in 1995 - it was a great holiday, I'd always wanted to visit Britain, in fact I still go every so often, to this day.Our marriage was good right up until last week when he admitted to me that he only married me so he could get into Canada. This shocked me as I genuinely loved him; not just for his looks or accent, but his funny, off-the-wall personality. He's also 11 years younger than me as well [not that that's important or not]. This hit me in the heart so badly I feel so upset.I told my mother and she thinks I should divorce him or separate at least. I honestly don't know what to do, but I thank my lucky stars we didn't have kids.I don't get it; is it odd for a British person to say they only married someone to get into the country - I thought it would be easy for them to get into Canada [my husband got in on a work permit to work for a Canadian Ford dealership, where he's on the lower levels of management - but still higher-up than staff on the sales' floor]. When I met my husband he wasn't wealthy and was just an ordinary guy in a cafe, drinking a few beers and watching sports with his friends.I can, in all honesty, say I don't know where to go from here next. I would like your advice on what to do.Thanks, Melissa
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): saying seldom means he mean it. it could be just of spat and ego and worries. ignore it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): Basically if he was fabulously wealthy and wanted to open new businesses in Canada, then emigrating from here (UK) to Canada would have been relatively easy.Otherwise he would have needed to apply for a Federal Skills Visa in order to become a permanent resident in Canada. The visa is issued only after going through a rigorous points system. 60plus points are needed just to be consider for permanent residency and then it is the luck of the draw if one is considered or not. Because there is a 'cap' on the amount of visas granted. Points are given for age, education, profession or skills, experience and length of employment and an offer of employment prior to applying is desirable. Also the applicant has to prove they have enough money to support themselves when they move to Canada. Money and enough of it is a MUST! Preference is given to various professionals, depending on what shortfalls you have in Canada at any given time, such as doctors, nurses ect. If your husband did not have a profession/skills/savings/higher education. Then there is a strong possibility he would have found it very difficult to gain a Federal Skills Visa. If that is the case, then marrying a Canadian national might have seemed an 'easy' route towards gaining residency in your country. But it is illegal and can lead to deportation.Marriage is a legal contract. As your husband married you by falsely pretending to love you. Solely for the purpose of gaining entry into your country. Then the legality of the marriage is questionable. If you sense that he still doesn't love you. Or you feel his disclosure has been calculated. For instance, following a 'safe' period of time residing in Canada, he is now disclosing as a preemptive measure towards a separation/divorce. Then you might consider consulting a lawyer now rather than later. I don't mean to sound harsh but given the clinical manner in which he emigrated to the country of his choice. It is within the bounds of possibility (as a youngish man) that he might be preparing to leave and take up a whole new life in Canada, courtesy of you.This person seems to be a master of deceptive strategy, so it wouldn't surprise. You talk of loving him in past tense. If things are strained in the marriage and his disclosure coincides with other issues. Then it might be a game plan to force YOU into taking action against him. Rather than him suffer any bad opinions or feel your wrath if he leaves you. He knows you love him, so he could be metering out just enough reasons for you to want to leave him. He might wish to remain local and be trying to avoid unpleasant 'fall out' from you. Who knows!I wouldn't leave or even talk of it. Give yourself a few weeks to digest what he has told you, watch him and assess whether you think he is playing a game with you. Decide if you think he loves you now or not. Avoid any knee jerk reactions and think before you speak. If you decide he does have an agenda and the marriage is in grave difficulties. Consult a good lawyer for advice but don't discuss things with him until you have YOUR plans in order.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): you should appreciate him for being upfront with you now. I know he did something very bad using you to get to the Canada but still it happened 12 years. If he loves you now sincerely , then why the hell it's should bother you now? Your are 42 years old and shouldn't let your mother take decision for you . By forgive him now with all the sincerity, it will make him love you even more with all sincerity . Let it go .
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 Hi Melissa,I don't blame you for feeling this way. Imagine, the man you love, got married, shared a life for the last 13 years, comes to you now, and confess about something so serious? I could only imagine, this man, not only you truly love, but trust with all your heart. As your mother suggested, why dont you tell him to move out, for a while? Tell him you need time alone, away from him. If you are away from him, not contacting him at all, you will have more clarity as to what to do with your relationship. 13 years is a long time, and this will be a difficult decision that you have to make. What I don't understand is, if he married you only to get into Canada, why did he stay married with you for so long? Why didn't he just married, got what he wanted, then make an excuse and divorce?Also, why confess now? I don't understand your husband intensions, and motives? How was your relationship with him, until past week? Did you have a normal, happy marriage? In terms, getting along, finances, attachment, physical intimacy? Was everything ok? The reason I asked these questions is that I can't understand why he confess to you now after 13 years?I am not trying to make excuse, or protect your husband by any means at all, but if he didn't have any feelings for you, how did he stay with you for 13 years? This is very confusing, you must be feeling overwhelmed. If you decide to divorce him, please do it as soon as possible. The sooner the better, while taking time to heal, deal wit your pain, shock, betrayal, find a divorce lawyer and find out about your options. Whatever you do, this man have taken so many years of your life from you, make sure he ends up in the street penny less. Don't give him nothing.... Protect yourself...Also, I know you need time to heal, you are allow to, but life is too short to waste your precious life with a dishonest man, have no character, integrity. To me, someone that do things like, think that way, live life that way, have no class. I actually feel sorry for him, because he's a looser thinking he could use people to get his way. Anyways, sorry I have no right to judge. I don't know why, but you gave me a impression that you are a smart, caring, sophisticated lady. Deserve so much more, deserve someone that will truly love you, respect you. Someone that is compatible with you. I think you are way out of his league. I hope you feel better soon, hope you make the right decision.Good luck and best wishes
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 Why did he tells you this? Was it during a heated argument? Or did he have a sincere talk with you about it, where he told you why he did this, and why he thought he couldn't get into Canada otherwise (or why he wanted to go in the first place?).
You need to look at the context of it. I will also ask you to not get so shocked you lose your senses or do something drastic and unnecessary. How long did you know him BEFORE you married? Could it not have been that he was in love with you, but couldn't be with you because of the distance? It's not uncommon for couples who are in love, but in different countries, to want to marry just so they can be together! It's not about the marriage then, it is about being able to get into the country where the person they love are....
Another thing, yes, maybe it is easy for him to get into Canada by other means, but if he was in love with you the easiest way, when planning to be with you any way, could be marriage. I don't see why this is such a horrible thing then.
And last, but not least, if he was some cruel person who took advantage of you to get into the country, he'd have divorced you by now. There's no need for him to stick with you for 13 years in order to be allowed to stay in the country. In Norway you need to have been married a total of 7 years, and stayed a minimum of 3 of these 7 years in the country, to get permanent citizenship of Norway. I did a quick google for citizenship in Canada, and it seems you have it even easier: "To become Canadian citizens, adults must have lived in Canada for at least three years (1,095 days) in the past four years before applying."
In other words, if yous husband stayed with you for 13 years it was because of something other than purely wanting to become a citizen of Canada....
Why don't you talk to him and ask him???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): Does he love you now?
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A
male
reader, xsemenelinx  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 hmmm.. ask him and better know his points of view. sometimes letting go is the best we can have. it will be painful to know that we are being used by others and taken advantage. but reality speaks.. its a matter of acceptance. for experience count.. i share the same experience but not the same with scenario.. but the problem is we have kids.. i have the agony of living that she doesn't love me but im doing it right for my kid.. good for you you don't have one. and let it go.. karma and good intention will return in no time.. you help him a lot. and let him prosper,, in that way you wont regret a thing because you did help him out. its better that way rather that having regrets on things you haven't done at all.. cheer up..
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A
female
reader, spanishquerida  +, writes (18 September 2011):
You need to talk with him. Has he grown to love you now? Are there feelings there or is he still using you? How does he treat you? It may have been that he used you at first, which is of course unacceptable and you have EVERY right to be upset and hurt, but over the years has he come to love you as a partner? Is he in love with you now? You just need to talk with him about this. If he does not love you, then I say you divorce him and find someone else who is not using you. If he does love you, then maybe marriage counselling and lots of discussions to get through it. Good luck
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