A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone.I haven't been on this site in a while, but now i'm in desperate need of it again. My situation is very unique. I fell head over heals in love with someone I met in my past that i've always loved. The thing is, he's in prison for 13 1/2 more years right now (total of 18 all together). That is not an issue to me, i'm more then willing to have a relationship with him, whether it lasts or not (im aiming for forever:) ). A few weeks after we hooked up, (I wrote him and insisted we be together, and he agreed) I found out I was 3 months pregnant by my ex. I went back to my ex's apartment, because he had been begging me to come back, but only because I feel he should help take care of me while i'm pregnant. I have no desire to be with my ex. We'll call my ex John, and the love of my life Zavior. John really wants to be with me, but i'm not going to be giving him another chance. I feel like it's wrong of me for staying with him behind Zaviors back though. Although Zavior is in prison, I still want to give him a fair and loyal relationship. Recently I talked John into moving closer to the prison Zavior is at, and John doesn't know it.. I figured John could help get me on my feet since he got me pregnant, and in another way, I kinda feel bad because he's putting in all this work to fix things between us and doesn't know(by choice) that i'm not just talking crap when I say "it's never working out again between us." Also note that i've not been having sex with John or so much as kissing him. I just haven't told Zavior that John is taking care of me right now.. I plan on getting all of this straightened up before too long so I can be more honest to Zavior in the future and not have all these obsticals. I guess my question is, what would anyone else do in my situation??? Would you keep letting John take care of you till you got on your feet or would you take the longer route to be more loyal to Zavior, even though your not cheating in any way to begin with... thanks everyone:)
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in jail, kissing, my ex, no desire Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 April 2011):
 Well... its a risk, but its good that john is out of the picture. More importantly, you're happy... what could matter more.
Thanks for the update :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE...
me and zavior, are still together, and john is completely out of the picture. we are happy, and he fulfills the needs ive had that no one else could. im working on becoming more independent, which i love being. it was a rough moment, living with john away from my home town, and then having to move back with out any help, but it made me stronger. although i have very few who support our relationship, im giving it my all. weather it lasts for 1 year, or 20 more, im happy being with him, and i wont regret trying with him, rather then someone else for the sake of having sex or money. i have a very loving relationship with zavior, im really enjoying getting to know the guy ive always had interest in, and i love how we can talk about anything. its nice to have one person who will always be around, when everyone else in life comes and goes.. the main thign most people say about our relationship is that i will change my mind. i dont really see a reason i could break up with him, he cant really do too much wronge, and i dont think that should be a factor anyway because looking back, my feelings for alot of guys changed when they wasnt in prison, so i dont think i should hold the chance of that happing against him, or base my decions on it. so why not give this a good try and give it my all?! he's got 13 1/2 to go, and if he continues to treat me right, then in 13 1/2 we can say i waited on him.. but other then that, prison is irrelevant to how i feel about him. thanks to everyone for their honest opinions: )
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (28 February 2011):
You need to wake up girl.
You can't let your heart guide your actions 100%, nor can you let your head guide your actions 100%. You need a balance.
Right now you're living in a fantasy land and not thinking straight. You can't use John to help live out your fantasy... its wrong on so many levels.
As for Zavior... yeh, good-luck with that one... 18 years as a sentence. That's not something that's just dolled out to petty criminals. He did something terrible... and has he told you he's innocent per chance...?
Yeh, he may be nice, sweet and caring to you now... but lets face it, his dating options are rather limited at the moment. Even if you wait 13 years for him to be released, do you really think he'll be with you when that time comes and hes free to mingle with a million other girls? Something to think about.
I hope you listen to logic, but I'm not holding out hope.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Forget the jailbird and get on with your life... he's a con, and you're going to be committing yourself to a life that's not at all a good choice.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 February 2011):
 This is a unique situation we have here. There aren't many basic dating "rules" to fall back on when thinking about the way to advise you. There are many points to this I think will be easier to just hit upon one by one in hopes to dissect this for you so you can look objectively at your life and these choices.
1. Zavior is in prison for 13 1/2 more years. You aren't in prison for 13 1/2 more years. Neither of you are married. You're really going to go 100% celibate and never look at another man again for Zavior? I wish you'd told us your age, because according to the range on here, you're basically going to be celibate and alone until you're 35-38.
2. You're leading John on and using him. He is taking care of you in hopes of getting back with you. What about after the child is born? He's made it clear and you have too, but knowing this, you shouldn't let him take care of you knowing his reasons for doing so. He should support his child. Not you. It's unethical. You're using him.
3. What is Zavior in prison for? 18 years in jail isn't for minor drug possession or driving on a suspended license. I knew someone who was in prison for murder and served 10 years. Usually when someone's handed an 18 year jail sentence, they either killed someone or they've had a long string of offenses that led up to this. Is this the sort of man you want hanging around your kid in 13 years, given the serious recidivism rate of violent criminals?
4. If you want to be with John, be with him all the way. I can predict that as this thing wears on, John's plan will eventually win, as his time with you consoling you and taking care of you (and later you and your child) will eventually win you back. You have zero physical contact with Zavior, and Zavior will not be around for your child's most vulnerable formative years. Your heart will totally do a 180, and when asked, you'll say "It just happened".
5. You are already beginning to cheat on Zavior. The cheating doesn't start with sex. You're having an emotional affair with him. You're living with your ex, which clearly no men ever would be okay with, and you haven't told Zavior about this for obvious reasons.
6. This one is the point I feel the most strong about. Why do you need a man to prop you up in the first place? Yes, you're about to be a single mom. I get that. Yes, you need to get on your feet. But what took you off of your feet in the first place?
I think that you shouldn't continue your relationship with Zavier. Your heart is leading you to an impossible and inappropriate place for your own emotional well-being and the safety of your child. You should let him go. This is no romantic movie. This is reality. You can't use guy after guy to be with until he gets home. 13 years is too long, and you both aren't already married.
You need to get on your own feet for yourself. After you have your kid, work on your career. Find your own place. Support yourself. Never allow your financial survival to ever depend on a man. Make this your first primary goal and focus. The second and most important primary goal is to raise your child in a good, loving, stable, and safe environment. Anyone you let into your child's life must be thought of extremely carefully.
Of course, if your feelings rekindle for John, that is okay too. I'm guessing that will happen. Either way, he must help support and maintain those safe and loving choices for your child.
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