A
female
age
41-50,
*hloe191
writes:Recently my boyfriend cheated on me while very drunk. I haven't forgiven him or taking him back at this point. Right now I have told him I need time to myself. I've asked him to move out of our apartment and leave me alone for awhile. I am really torn. On one hand I believe that he truely loves me and that this was a mistake. I have had the occassion to do something while drunk that I truely regret and would never have done sober. I also think maybe he needed to do this to realize what he had in me. None of this makes cheating exscueable, but possibly forgivable.On the other hand, I have always been on of those that believe "Once a cheater always a cheater". My heart says take him back and use this experience to make the relationship stronger. My head says run. Which do you listen to?A little background - we have been together for 2 years, lived together for about a year and a half, we are both 30.
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female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (1 September 2008):
 Chloe,
I think he might be telling the truth, but what would I know.
Look into his eyes when he talks to you in the event, does he look sincere?
But please, follow what I told you about, have with him a heart to heart about the event. It WILL make you feel better, well, it did to me at least...but how different am I with you? Not much. We both love our partner... and we both know they love us back the same way.
You will find some way to forgive him because you love him. Your doubts are normal, I had them too. You sometimes feel like you don't love him enough...because you can't forgive him, right? You do love him, you said so and I trust your word, so you WILL find a way.
Oh, but let me remind you, you will eventually forgive him,but you will NEVER forget. And don't worry if you still have pain, even after months of forgiving him, your heart will take time to heal.
You know, a lot of people will tell you to dump him, but I disagree. I feel you two have a chance because you two actually love each other, probably very dearly. Don't take the easy part, make all of these work. It will probably strenghten the relationship.
A
female
reader, Chloe191 +, writes (1 September 2008):
Chloe191 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I dont think I have ever been as torn between two choices as I am right now.
Just to clarify a few things... Yes I have done things while I was drunk that I regret, but I am talking about mistakes I made in the past before my current relationship. And I guess I did learn from the events as I would never again allow myself to be out of control and make poor decision from drinking. But I remember waking up and not knowing exactly what I did and with someone I would never in my right mind want to be with. Who knows why we do what we do while drinking. For me it was an eye opener, a sign that I needed to curtail drinking if I was doing things that I regreted or losing control.
He did tell me that he was with this girl. He could not (so he tells me) remember all the details or even if they had sex. I later heard the full story from friends of the girl he was with.
I really need everyone's help on this one please keep the responses coming!
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (1 September 2008):
Chloe191:
I understand were you come from, but I will disagree in you with one thing: A cheater is NOT always cheater.
You said you did something drunk too and you regretted it terribly. I guess it was cheating too. It doesn't matter if it was just a kiss, it's still cheating. So, after this episode, didn't you change for the better and tried to maintain your composure? Did you keep on cheating? No, right?
I think you two should try to resolve this situation... and you should try to find in your heart on to forgive him. You said that you know that he truely loves you and that this was a mistake. So why, after knowing all of this, would you try and break up?
Don't get me wrong, I was in a similar situation. My boyfriend, too, cheated on me... and in full conscience. He stopped before having sex, but the act was still there. He confessed to me, saying he was incredibly sorry and that it was one of the biggest mistakes in his life. You would imagine the pain I had and it took me a long time to forgive him. Well, I trust him. I trusted his words... and I also know he loves me with his whole heart and that what he did was something he regretted terribly.
It took me a long time to forgive him and heal, but it wasn't impossible. What I did was to make it into the power of will. I LOVE him with ALL MY HEART and I came to a realization that I just couldn't be without him. I had the same thoughts as you did...but in the end, I forgave him.
One thing that made me come into closure was talk to him in person about everything. He held me the whole time. You don't know what a relief I had after the session... it was like 10 tons were lifted off of me. So what you could do is the same. Take a day, for the two of you, to talk about all of this... about his huge mistake. Make him hold you and please... don't hold anything back, not even tears.
This episode made my relationship stronger, and believe me that if you are like me and my boyfriend are (I believe you two are,you sound mature, responsible, and that you two love each other), this will make you strong too. Take my word as experience.
Good luck, and I hope that whatever you decide will be for the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): I feel for you as im kind of in the same shoes. My boyfrnd dont cheat on me but he beats up on me and says i made him do it i dont know what to do because he says he loves me and wants kidz to me
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A
male
reader, Straight Up1  +, writes (1 September 2008):
 always a question to ask yourself in this forgive or forget situation..... did he own up to the cheat or did you find out from other sources and once caught he fessed up ??The answert to that is a big start on the forgiving or not question.once a cheater always a cheater....not true. Only a cheater til he grows up and realizes what life is about. then it changes... trust me!! or only a cheater as long as he is attractive...that will fade with age too...then he will be one lonely pathetic fella!!start with the first question to bring your thoughts together....and if you truly believe he made a mistake...take him back.....but don't throw out your trusting hand too soon...he needs to earn your trust again.....and thats never an easy thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): Unfortunately, most times we ask this question we just want validation that it's ok to go back and he most likely not cheat again. I'm going through the same thing right now and my heart wants to just jump in his arms since he has been my best friend for 2 years, but my head says realistically he probably won't be faithful. It sucks and it hurts, but it's most likely true. But, most of us go back and get hurt again. The amount of love doesn't play a factor here unfortunately, it's just pure selfishness. The fact you found out might be a warning sign that this has happened before. I KNOW this is not what you want to hear, but after asking a similar question here, this is the majority attitude. If you decide to go back, I truly hope that this was a one time thing and you never get hurt again. But as I did, you know the answer deep down in your heart. You can find someone else, you don't have to settle, everyone deserves to be with someone who is deserving of them. You already know the answer to this.....
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