A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I apologize that this is very long, i feel i need to explain the events, please if you could, just give me some insight:Our 1 year anniversary would have been next week. I met him, and fell for him right away, he always told me he always knew what he wanted, and it was me. Everything was so romantic, he was very sweet, and he made me laugh so much, and for me, it was my first serious relationship, and his as well he told me.sometimes we'd have miscommunication, i tend to have hissy fits, but nothing major, i'll get over them right away, and he's very stubborn, and i'll plead for his forgiveness. it was never anything major. ever since he came back from his one month trip home in january, things have been bad. he's been applying for his permanent residency here, and working at a physically demanding job because his work visa ran out. i know he's sacrificing a lot to be here, or thats what he keeps telling me. but i met him here, he'd been here 2 years before i met him, but acts like he resents and says horrible things to me, like how good his life was before he met me. whenever we fight, he'd threaten to leave me and fly back home. for the last 3 months i've seen him on and off, he'd been staying with me after he got back on his trip, and i guess tensions grew. we had a fight, i said he should fly home. and i apologized right away. and he ran off on me. disappeared for 3 days with no contact. finally came back to collect some things and i begged him to stay. he said, it cant happen again. and i promised.Valentines day, i made a silly comment about how he didnt wish me happy valentines day even though i knew it was a stupid holiday, and he should have said something nice. he was very offended and throughout dinner at a restaurant, he ignores me. the next day, he runs off. for 2 months, he's been staying on friends couches, i beg for him to come home. and he says he can't. that he's homeless, and it's all my fault. his life has gone to shit and it's all my fault. In between this time tho, he'd ask to have breakfast with me, and i'll agree. of course later he'd come pick up some times. he became sick and said he lost his job, and i said i'd bring him some food, he was now housesitting for a friend. i spent 2 nights with him, i was all prepared to take a cab home when he asked if i brought a toothbrush. we cuddled and snuggled and enjoyed each other, and i thought things were going to get better. he said he'd call me to let me know what was going on with him. he never called. his cellphone is broken so i can only email him. never returned my emails. 4 days. i dont hear from him. i finally call his work, and he was there. i got the job i wanted, and said we could celebrate. he said he was busy, but was free the next day. the next day. no call, nothing. I call him the next day at work again, ask him why he's avoiding me, he becomes very defensive, "IM HOMELESS, i dont have a phone" so i let it be. 2 days past, i call him, "please promise to come over tonight (friday)" "i promise he says". the night before, i emailed him saying he was being very unreliable with his non-calling, and non-emailing. Friday night he emails me. saying he just read his email and is pissed off i called him unreliable, and for that will not come over. but will come over for breakfast on saturday. Saturday comes. i wake up with anticipation, he never comes. 2pm. never shows up. a week later. he emails me. "i need to be alone, i'm going thru a very hard time, i'll grab a gift for your mom later this week"so i give him his time, a week, then i notice on his online community board, he's messaging his friends to party with him, and his friends are telling him to call him, to hang out, etc. and i get very upset and send him a very heartfelt, emotional email. and this is the one he chooses to respond to. saying that he is now empty because of it. that he was just thinking about me that day, and how hard he knows it must be for me to give him his space, but now this, and he hoped to rebuild when he got a place of his own, but now, he will use this letter to get over me. and again i apoligized, i had no idea he felt like that, obviously i was hurt and confused. 10 days pass, he emails me. asking me when he can pick up the rest of his things from my place. i tell him friday. friday comes. he cant make it, saturday breakfast? I agree. he comes, and acts like nothing has happened, we hold hands, go have breakfast at a nostalgic diner, chats about having fun with his new nintendo wii, new games table, poker nights, sounds like he's been having fun. we go back to my place after breakfast. the task before him is quite grand, so we decide to take a nap. "are you still mine?" i ask. ... "you said goodbye" he said... and i said, "i didn't mean it" he said "i need some time for myself..." and i cry. he holds me. but we start snuggling and hugging and kissing and he starts kissing me, and we make love, for the first time in 2.5 months. after a bit, we pack his stuff and i call a cab for him, gives me a kiss and said he'll call me. never calls. i try not to let it bother me anymore. then i get a letter for him. and text message him to tell him. "sorry i havent called" he says, with some excuse, asks if we can have dinner on friday, and i say. sure. and he says "looking forward to it" the next day, he calls from his work phone, he really wants to know what's in the letter. i'm a bit peeved because i always knew if he wanted to call me he could and this proved it, he needed to know what was in that letter. tells me he'll see me for dinner. Friday, he's stuck at the office he says, he's sorry, but he'll tell me about it tomorrow. i say ok.Saturday morning, 11:30am, i text him "please tell me when/if you are coming" and just to make sure i call him. no answer. and then i get a text back "Golfing :)" .... "excuse me?" i txt. no answer. i call him. no answer. so i text him my feelings, what a fool i am, for letting him do this to me continuously. that i had my own plans in the morning that i cancelled for him, but this all was a joke to him and he could care less what he does to me. Sunday, i get a text from him. "Insane, just insane, i'm gonna see you tuesday to put things and you straight"i tell him, not to bother, what is there to sort? how he never does anything he says. that if he wanted to clear things up he could, why does he need 4 days to clear something up. Tuesday, i text him "even though i dont believe you'll show up, i'm letting you im busy, this is called consideration"he texts back "no problem, this is called understanding (no angery, no attitude)"and i reiterated to him, the events that have happened and how i was never angry except this time. but for him to please turn it around so it is my fault again. and i haven not heard from him since.I can not, for the life of me, believe what is going on in his head that he thinks his actions are justified in anyway. I am saddened because of what we've been through, we were happy, and i know i have to let him go, his actions are ridiculous. I just dont know what is going on in his head. He told me, he stood me up for breakfast that saturday, because he wanted to show me what being unreliable was all about. I don't even know where to go from here. I want to move on. I told him i'm going to move somewhere else, extended vacation. he is going to lose me. and i guess he's not going to do anything about it. i just want to move on so badly.
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anniversary, at work, kissing, lost his job, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tsurugi-ijin  +, writes (18 April 2008):
 Depends how much it cost :)
Also, if you ask for your stuff back and tell him to get his out within X amount of days (or it goes in the bin ect) then he should get the message that this is it. And He screwed up Big time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so much for answering.
jin - im pretty sure he hasn't gone into details with his friends here in canada, but i did talk to one of his oldest friends in the uk, and he thinks he's being a stubborn shite. i lent him my luggage when he was moving his things out. i feel i should have it returned, i've given enough to him already... but i suppose is should just buy new luggage, its not worth it.
dusky - in my mind, i was trying to be supportive, i guess, letting him know that i care for him and always on my mind, again because i feel he's never had that before. i wasnt trying to be needy but, yeah i guess it came across like that. i just didnt understand, he used to want us to be together all the time. he's a jerk.
askoldersister - thats pretty much dead on. he is only accountable to himself, and i overlooked that when i was still in love with him, thing is we talked about our future together, and i guess he had a vision of a relationship, but never acted like he was in one. he's never considerate to call to check up, he'll come home at 3am from poker when i have to let him in (apartment buzzer) and i have to work the next morning. always has an excuse. the first time he ran away, my friends wanted me to go out, and i drank way too much too fast and passed out at the club, the ambulance had to get me, etc, it was embarrassing. when he came back, i told him about it. and all he said was... "do your friends blame me?" .... that sums it up.
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A
female
reader, tsurugi-ijin +, writes (17 April 2008):
Youve got it spot on. it may be hard especially as, like you said, hes had a tough time and you feel u need to be there for him but when hes treating you like he is, whos there for you?
i really hope that your able to get over this guy, your friends are what you need atm.. and possibly chocolate :)
All the best, Jin
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A
male
reader, JustaGuy +, writes (17 April 2008):
Get the hell rid of this guy!!!!!
Step aside, do his actions really seem that of a loving caring boyfriend? Is this relationship truly making you happy?
There are millions of guys out there, dont settle for anything less :)
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (17 April 2008):
 You are trying too hard to make this relationship to work and what does he give you back??? Nothing that's what!!!
He comes and goes as he pleases without giving anything return, plus you are being very needy which can scare guys off if you act like a desperado. You constantly call,email and text him.... what he is trying to tell you is BACK OFF STOP PRESSURISING ME I WANT MY SPACE!!! Go out and have fun with your friends, guys like girls that have a life of their own without having someone who is living their life through them. Look Hun I have been there done that and still wearing the T shirt, occupy yourself with a hobby or interest like joining a gym or go to the movies with your girlfriends.
Please cut your losses with this guy, he is so not worth it.... trust me on that one. Find someone who wants to spend quality time with you and makes you feel like a princess. Good luck Hun and keep us posted. Dusky xxxx.
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A
female
reader, crazy_in_luv  +, writes (17 April 2008):
no offence but i think this guy doesnt care...none of his actions show that he does..
he is simply using u...according to his convenience...plzz try to get over him..he is making U feel guilty..when none of it is ur fault.
any help u need..plzz tell me
luv ya
all the best
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): Move on, he's only with you to get a visa by the sounds of it! Once he gets that you most certainly will never hear or see him again!
Put all of his belongings in a bag, email/txt/ring him and let him kno that you are putting them outside for him to collect and that if he doesn't collect them, they will be binned!
Make sure you are not at the house when he calls to collect his stuff. CHange your numbers, new email address and put him down to a bad experience!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for answering... i have been rendered so completely useless for the last 2 months, and now i finally feel stronger. I've always tried to be, you know, someone who is willing to fight for the relationship, i really dont want to give him up, but he is being so disrespectful. i know he's had a tough childhood, (dad ran off, doesn't speak to his mom anymore) and i know he has issues, so part of me wants to be there for him, but it seems like a lost cause. should i even bother listening to his explanation? i suppose i should just cut my losses and move on... it does get easier each day...not really.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (17 April 2008):
My God he knows how to dangle you on a piece of string doesn't he? Cut your losses and ditch this guy, he is clearly unreliable and inconsiderate.
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A
female
reader, tsurugi-ijin +, writes (17 April 2008):
I agree with Emily.
Ask your friends to be round you more to help get your mind off him.
You dont need some one who is going to be that immature about a relationship. It also sounds like either his mates are idiots or he hasnt had the nerve to tell them. i bet on the second.
A holiday is a good idea, get away, take a book and try to relax for however long.
Please write a reply to how this all turns out.
All the Best, Jin.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (17 April 2008):
This is not going to work. Too much bad stuff had happened. You have to accept that.
Email him and say you realise this is not going to work so you are moving on. Tell him goodbye and leave it at that. No explanations, nothing he has to reply to.
Then cut contact with him and go away on holiday and get over him.
You'll be fine.
Good Luck!! xx
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