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male
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anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex-girlfriend about four months ago after a five year on-off relationship. I always wanted to be with her, we could communicate naturally and easily, we wanted the same things out of life and I felt so comfortable with her. She did however tend to want or need to be in charge and tend to assume she was always right. For example, it was sometimes hard to feel like I was really sharing something with her in the bedroom, she took the dominant role in planning our activities and making joint decisions, etc. I was disappointed that she rarely willingly gave herself up to me and let me look after her and give her love and attention. Rather, when I indicated I wanted to take charge of a situation, she would still try to help out and get involved rather than being submissive, and just enjoying what I could give her, which is what I wanted sometimes. I don't feel the need to be objectively right either, just have my own idea of what is right and, importantly, to be able to explain, justify or defend that idea, whereas she has told me she likes to be right.Anyway, this conflict between me and my ex upset me tremendously - I wanted to resolve the conflict but she insisted there was none and she believed I just wasn’t that into her. I cursed this natural preference of hers to be right, because it was preventing both of us having what we wanted. It was destructive. At the same time though, I knew she was just being herself and if that was causing me pain then perhaps I didn’t really love her and I hadn't found my life partner and so I broke it off with her.She’s with someone else now and apparently really happy and I miss her terribly. I’m not contacting her though, I’m making new friends, taking risks to push my career forward and generally making a show of being independent but my heart cries out for her. What am I supposed to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I don't think I do actually. Thanks everyone!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): OK. It was your fault. You left her and broke her heart after 5 years!! Duh!! I f you love her, you will fight for her. Send her flowers, etc. whatever it takes. You have to make it right that is if you really love her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTellulah, rest assured you haven't upset me and I know you are being supportive, so no need to fret! I think we might be disagreeing over semantics and having had a reasonable night's sleep I'm looking at it a bit differently.I think when we want someone, whatever it is we love about them enables us to overlook what we would otherwise consider to be flaws. In fact, those characteristics might be seen as cute, endearing or just "their way". In the case of my ex, perhaps the flaws/differences/conflicts, call them what you will, were too significant to be overlooked, or there simply wasn't enough that I did love about her to cancel out the minuses. Nevertheless, in terms of my intimate relationships she had more going for her than anyone I've met, with the possible exception of one other. Still, it's all an adventure. I can't wait to see what else is out there!
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (2 November 2007):
 Hi,
I am sorry if I have upset you, but I stand by my reasoning. In fact yes we do all have our flaws, and of course it wouldn't be natural if we didnt argue sometimes. But you did say even in your last post, that she was bossy, false, unempathetic and jealous. So why do you hanker after a person that made you feel that way towards you.
Is it just because she has met someone else. If it had been you that moved on would you still feel the same way?. I was trying to give you moral support, but you dont seem to have taken it that way.
For this I apologize
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses!Tellulah, I appreciate your post but I'd be interested to know what your definition is of someone being "that right for you"? If your definition were "right enough to stay together" then your argument would be circular. Yes, she has her flaws like everyone. She can be jealous, bossy, false and unempathetic. We broke up because it seemed the only resolution at the time. I tend to be a perfectionist however and the relationship wasn't right for me because it wasn't perfect. Since no relationship is perfect and every relationship has conflicts from time to time, I am handling my perfectionism in a more constructive way. Having said that, perhaps there is someone out there I'm better suited to. I think what it comes down to is that when we develop the weaker aspects of ourselves, we open up new opportunities for workable relationships, even though perhaps the best relationships will still be ones in which both partners natural preferences match and complement one another.
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (1 November 2007):
 I feel for you, mate, as I know what you're going through. I miss my ex an awful lot most of the time. We split 4 months ago as well.
Just give things a little more time. That's what everybody tells you, and will probably tell you the same thing. I understand this isn't always easy to hear, because it's not a great pain easer, but unfortunately, that's all it takes; time.
Maybe she has moved on and is happy, but you will do the same some day. Again, it may not seem like it, because whenever somebody tells me I'll move on and be happy some day, I usually struggle to believe them.
You're going to be fine. You were both together for a long time, so what you're feeling is normal. Just give things time. That's what we've gotta do.
Good luck!
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (1 November 2007):
Hi,
If she was that right for you, wouldnt you still be together?.
I think its because she has moved on and you haven't been able to yet. But give yourself time and you will.
Take it one day at a time, and try to keep busy and not think about it to much.
When relationships end, its very easy to look back with rose tinted glasses and think how wonderfull it all was, even if it wasn't.
Take care X
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (1 November 2007):
 You heart will still cry out for her, you were together a long time and the split is still raw.
You just carry on what you are doing moving on and it will get easier, it in some ways is like a greiving process you have been round someone along time and all of the sudden they are not there anymore and your whole way of life changes.
Take care.xx.
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