A
female
age
41-50,
*abyGurl27
writes:Hi! I was dealing with a guy that i NOW love for over 5 years. He is Now involve with his Babymom for the Thousand times. Well some how she found out about me and pressure him to marrie her. She set a date and made some arrangment. He finally told me about the wedding and that he don't want to do it. Things got rockie for us so now i don't feel close to him like i use to. Something happen betwen the 2 of them BAD and he called the wedding off. I use to LOVE him alot but now i don't feel the same because of the fact that he was going to marrie her. I still think about him all the time but i've waisted to much time dealing with him. How do i get him off my mind?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Hello there
I am in an exact situation. I started dating my co worker who supposedly had broken up wid his babyz mom two years ago. The kid was picked up and dropped off by guy's mother. In the beginning of my relationship he didn't tell his baby mom that he has a girlfriend. i think he was still sexually involved with her they jus didn't live together. I noticed how when i used to go to his mother's house without telling him, he would call me up all nervous. He had told me that his baby mom knows about me even though she didn't. The first nine months were great. but there were times when i needed him and he couldn't be there like his fone would be off or he would disappear for a couple of days. But we were happy and krazy in love. We got a place together but b/c of skool and krazy work house i couldn't be home alot and kuldn't keep tabs on him. One day i come home earlier from work not to find him at home when he was supposed to be. Kald him and as usual his fone was off. I drove by his baby mamas hous and there he was. I confronted him and asked him to choose. He didn't say anything. I left him dat day. Moved out his stuff. He told me the same things and still calls me and tells me how he wants to be with me and is in love with me but she is a must because he is really involved. He knows so much money in child support and even his car is under her name. At first I thought she is sooo lucky to be with him but than I think of how he had a two year relationship with me behind her back. I had a fone convo with the baby mama and she didn't believe all the things he had dun for me. She goes...wow..he must really love you but jus kant let me go. She didn't even kno he had a fone cuz he would kall her block. She went krazy on him..took his car away..and threatened to kill herself. I was hurt, betrayed and yet still in love. I told him i can't take dis anymore..she will always b in your life. He said he will take his son away if i can be a full time mum to him...I can't with my work and school...
In short...I havn't seen him in 2 months...Changed my number..he got it somehow...baby i love you...i wanna be with you...but i don't know wht to do with her...
I am like you..tryna lie to myself..may b he does love me..he jus in a situation dat he kan't get out of...I have wasted two years...do i wanna live like dis for the rest of my life...
She has an alibi with him all the time...it's funny cuz he still finds ways to come see me...no i am not involved sexually with him anymore...but he wants to see me even for ten mins of breakfast or lunch...I told him i want to be friends with him...but he doesn't want other men in my life...
Breakups are hard...i go without talking to him for a couple of days..den i miss him and find an excuse to call him. I love his son...and don't want him to blame me as the other woman who broke up his parents.
I still want him in my life but not as a lover...U shud give it time...5 years is a long time to be with someone but den think of his baby mama..she thinks the same way too..all that time and money she has invested on the kid and him. how can she be ok with him choosing another girl over her...
Find ways to keep yourself busy. Move to somewhere he doesn't know...keep fone contact and tell him to try it out with her...If you love someone you are pozed to let him go...If you and him are meant to be..it will happen...if not now..mayb 5 years from now youl bump into each other again...
Trust me you are worth more than dis. Don't be avaible to him and so he kan see if he can be without you or not. if not..your are better off without him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): If a guy is really into you, he will make a the moves to be with you AND you only. You would not be able to get rid of him if he wanted you badly enough.
This guy is playing with you and keeping you tied up from other men that may be interested in giving you what you want and need.
I would not worry myself with what is going on between him and his 'baby momma' or anyone else for that matter. As I stated before, if it is meant to be the gentleman will pursue you and make it happen. Everything just falls into place when it is right.
Don't settle for second best, see yourself being worth more.
Keep your head up.
Qchele
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): Hey Babes, you keep on telling yourself these lies, and in 5years time you'll be older, but you won't be wiser....
Every woman that is sleeping with a man who is committed to someone else says the same thing... HE'S TRAPPED, THATS WHY HE'S NOT WITH ME.... Bullshit, he's not a fucking child, he's a man, he's an adult. He dosen't get engaged and want to get married because he's in a trap. Men want to get married because their in love.... Keep on lying to yourself, but remember your being played for a fool. He never asked you to marry him..... You think your relationshp is special, you think we don't understand. We have seen this before, we know how your thinking.... HE DOSEN'T LOVE YOU, HE'S USING YOU... If she calls, he will dump you as soon as he can. You are in a situation where you are playing with somebody's man. HE DOSEN'T BELONG TO YOU, HE BELONGS TO HER... You can wait the rest of your life, but he will never, ever, ever, ask you to be more than what you are. YOUR A FRIEND WHO HE HAS SEX WITH.. That's all you are, and you will NEVER, EVER, EVER be anything else... Go and ask him. Ask him if he loves you, ask him to marry you and give you babies, I guarantee the answer will be NO. Your wasting your life on this guy. She hasn't trapped him, he's not staying because of the kid. He's in love with this woman, and that's why he puts up with all her shit...
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Hi there, Well, she is showing you what she will be doing for the rest of his life, if she can. The child between them is the binding force. What does it matter that she has kids by someone else, she wants this man. Again, this is your life, if you want to sit there and wait for him, when he has time for you, he can never be completely with you. You are trying to talk yourself into this, so if again, this is all you want out of life then take the jump. She is going to be there pulling at him, your choice. Other women would try to find a man who can devote themselves to them.
It is hard enough to make a relationship work with just you and your man, but adding another woman into the situation, that's even harder.I guess he tells you they don't have sex either, right? Men love this two person waiting thing. Suppose she has another child by him, could happen you
know. I have given you the best advice I think I can. Your
choice now to make. Be happy and Take care.
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A
female
reader, BabyGurl27 +, writes (28 August 2008):
BabyGurl27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat lady has 2 other kids by someone else. I don't think if you have a child by a person, you have to be with them forever. You should take good care of the child and be there and LOVE your child. You should't have to TRAP anybody because of a child. You have to no your responsibility when it comes to having a child, not to keep a man with you if you no its not going to work. Its like he want to be with me but the other lady is doing every thing to keep him with her.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (26 August 2008):
Hi again, Now I am going to write this and hopefully you will come to an understaznding of what we are all trying to tell you. Find your own man, who is not tied to another woman and child! Period! What is wrong, that you feel that he is so great that you have to devote your life, mind and energy to this situation. That is what it is, it's a situation. It doesn't matter that he is not, not, married to her, he might as well be, he is responsible for the well being of that child, who is with his mother. Now what are you going to do with the rest of your life, be peeking through the window, figuratively speaking, to see what they are doing together. What is this, I don't think I can do any better, so I must wait around and see what he is going to do, marry her, not marry her. Gee whiz, that is sad. Well, if that is all you want to be doing for ther rest of, then carry on, you seem to think that if he is not married to her then it makes a difference, it does not, he is tied to the woman by the child, you are not tied to him yet, if you tie yourself to him, then you too, are then tied to the woman and child. You have to be a bit more objective here, unless this is what you are going to settle for. Is this all you want? My, my, with all the men on the planet, you are going to play babysitter to this man, maybe when they want to go out, you will take care of the child for them, You see what kind of a position you are trying to put yourself in? Move on! Please! Life is full of other people who will be better for you. Stop playing the other woman, that's what you are doing in essence, she has his child, what do you have? That is my point. Take care and wake up, you are trying to live a nightmare. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): Hey babes, don't get angry, you got to focus on the prize. You present as aged 26 - 29, the clock is ticking by whilst your waiting on this guy. Five years is a long time, can you wait five years more. What about children, don't you want some of them, how about a wedding off your own, a husband, somebody to snuggle up with each and every night. Focus on your happiness, focus on your future, focus on all the things you want to get out of life. Leave this messy situation and then you'll be free to find someone else to be happy with and share joy.
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A
female
reader, BabyGurl27 +, writes (26 August 2008):
BabyGurl27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk! read my letter VERY careful. The guy did not marrie the babymom. The wedding was suppose to be 8/16/08 ,but he did not go through with it. I support the fact that he love his 11 year old son and im not selfish what so ever. I didn't put a gun to his head and told not to marrie her. A lot of other BAD things are happenin between the two of them that i have nothing to do with. He's always the one who contact me or come by my house when he want to see me. I don't bother him or pick on the babymom. Thats not my thing. He acts as if he want a relationship with me but never step his game up. I think he might be confuse about what he want and who he want to be with. I'm just tired of waiting for him. Even though we've never committed to each other i've always been faithful to him over the 5 years we been together by my choice. ( i no i'm crazy for doing that)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): My last response ws kind of harsh , I was being honest but perhaps I was looking at this from only one angle. If you dont mind I am going to put it to you in a different way.
Think about what it means to marry & think about it in a very real way. This is not something that is just done . No matter who you are.
As much as the thought my hurt you , for him to even consider this shows how much he really does care for her ....cause lets face it ..he does not have to take this step . she is probly not going anywhere too fast with a kid on her hip.
I read some of your other questions & I can tell that this woman is on your mind & HARD. YOu must not focus on villifying her. It is wasted energy & gets you no where but mentally tired. You should accept the hard reality that it is her finger with the ring & not yours. (ouch , I know) you have to allow yourself to mourn & go through those motions so that YOU CAN GET YOURS .
ps the very fact that there is a YOU just goes to show that she is probably not as lucky as you may think her to be . Wish this girl some genuine good will , Hold your head up and then I bet karma & the universe will take care of you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): hey there , I have read all of these threads and just HAVE to put in my two cents .
you come across like you are some kind of victim , poor you and why can't i get what i want.....
I think that the victim in this is the poor child who has a right to his family!
karma is a real funny thing , why should the 'universe give you what you want when the only concern you have is for yourself. IF this guy is trying to do the right thing by this woman & his child AND IF you loved him you should support this . You cnnot claim to love a man and scorn his child. I have been in a reltionship for 11 years and do you know what the biggest lesson I have learned is ?....there is NOTHING selfish about love . and sorry but you sound totally selfesh . Leave that womans man alone & go find your own
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (25 August 2008):
Hi there , Good to hear from you. Remember, peace of mind is the best thing for anyone. This young man with all his good traits, has too much hanging on to him to be able to give you what you need in a partner. If he was with you, every phone call would be a point of wondering, is it the other woman and her baby asking him for help, is the child in the hospital, she will always have a card to play to bring him to her side. It's his child, what would he be expected to do, so it then falls on you, to be the gracious one to let him go to her and his child. As I have asked you in the past, do you really want that for the rest of time?
Often when something looks impossible to have, that only heightens the desire, that you want it. There are a lot of other men out there, who can give you more, look for them. Put yourself in places to meet them, get on with your life and please stop defending his good parts, the baby and the other woman outweigh those things, as far as I am concerned. Please find a "free" man, and enjoy your life without the encumbrances this man would bring with him. Take care, remember to be your own best friend. Stay in touch.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): OK, he's your friend, he helps you out and he's fun to be with. But his life is too difficult it makes you sad, and it hurts. You can't spend another 5years waiting on him to sort this out. You don't have to throw him away, you and him can still be friends, can you still meet up. But knock this sex thing on the head. Find somebody else to share your bed and you and him can still be friends.
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A
female
reader, BabyGurl27 +, writes (25 August 2008):
BabyGurl27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Guys!! I strongly agree with y'all but why is so hard to let go or to stop thinking about that person. I LOVE him and he meets my needs not for just SEX. He works got his own place and will help me out if i need something, its just that he have a LOT of DRAMMA in his life. Why is so hard to get what you want? Maybe its just not for me. Thanks again
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008): Hi BabyGurl,
We meet again. You deserve better than this love rat, you deserve happiness and kindness and a man who treats you good. I'm glad Artistry was able to give you the advice you need and give you a little boost. I know you cared for him deeply, and I also know you have so much self respect that your falling out of love with him because he hasn't put you first. He had no right to treat you this way, you've been kind to him, you've listened to his problems and always been there. You can't put up with this, me and you both know that. Your love is a very precious thing, and this man dosen't deserve you at all. You are very kind, and you show no malice to anyone. Leave this guy, don't see him anymore, he dosen't deserve your love or your kindness at all. There are so many guys out there who would just love to be with somebody like you. Your kind, your forgiving, your loyal and your patient, so many guys would love to worship at your feet. I wish you good luck, and I wish you happiness, romance and someone to treat you right. I know it's hard, but you now need to go and find somebody new to love... Blessings, take care of you, and start putting you first.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (24 August 2008):
Hi there, thanks for responding, and glad to know that we helped you a bit. No, I don't think it is ever wrong to pray for someone, it is a very generous thing to do, and you should be blessed for caring enough to do that. But I caution you, stay out of the situation. If you decide to eventually marry someone, it is going to be hard enough to keep the marriage fresh and alive, without third party crazies running around looking for your husband, to get something for their baby. Be free of unneccessary complications, as best you can. Take care of yourself, and by the way, pray for yourself, for the mind and the strength, to go in the right direction throughout your life. Be good to yourself, and be your own very best friend. Stay in touch.
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A
female
reader, BabyGurl27 +, writes (24 August 2008):
BabyGurl27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! I needed to hear something to boost me up. Now i must say that this guy is really nice and cool to hang around and i feel SORRY that he have to go through such a thing with that hateful babymom of his. Even if he don't choose to be with me i hope and wish that he can get out of the situation and still be able to see his son. You no this might seem crazy but i keep him in my prayers all the time do you think i'm crazy for doing such a thing?
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (24 August 2008):
Hi there, If I were you, I would think about the fact that if you are going to be with him, be it as girlfriend or as his wife, the mother and the child are always going to be somewhere in his life. Most people don't like to share, I know that I don't. The child, if it is his, and I am assuming that he knows for sure, will always have needs from birth, the mother will always be pulling at him for gosh knows what or nothing, just to be pulling at him. This
could get to be aggravating. Do not put yourself under these
circumstnaces, if you had been married to him, it would be another thing, but you have a choice. Find someone who doesn't have all these strings attached. Let them have each other, and you put the whole thing in an invisable box, tie it up and put it way, way back on the closet shelf and let it stay there until it disappears, and count yourself lucky that you weren't drawn into the situation anymore than you have been. Peace of mind is a good thing, and how do you have that if you are worrying, where and what he is doing.
Count your blessings, and forget about what you hvae lost, think of what you have gained. Involve yourself with people who have healthy goals, and think about the future and not just the present moments satisfaction. Life is too short. Time will take it, if you just decide not to look back.
Remember the woman who turned into a pillar of salt, bacause she disobeyed, and looked back, there is something about keeping your eyes on where you are going, not on where you have been. Take care of yourself and don't accept less than what you deserve. Be good to yourself. You will eventually forget him, try to find a group to be involved in, within your community. Check out the newspapers for a few ideas, activity wise. Stay in touch.
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A
female
reader, Mrs Steadman  +, writes (24 August 2008):
 This is a hard situation which I struggle to comment on. Personally I would encourage him to choose who he wants to be with and to be honest, how can you force someone to marry you? It is a personal decision. I would not agree to marry someone I did not love so I suggest you stay away from someone who can not keep a sacred promise? Sorry if this is harsh but it is just my true answer.
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