A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am currently engaged to a wonderful man. We recently moved in together, and over the last couple months I have noticed something he does that drives me nuts. He is always asking me to do simple tasks for him - for instance, calling the cable company, or dropping the rent off - which would be just as easy or convenient for him to do, and oftentimes I am in the middle of doing something else - so basically I am doing everything and he is sitting on the couch. I have tried to approach this with him but he thinks that two people who love each other should help one another out; however I am one of those people who would rather do my own tasks myself so I never ask him to do anything. And if I say "no" when he asks me to do something, he is hurt and feels like I'm telling him that I don't care about him enough to do what he asks. How can I discuss this with him so that he sees that asking me to do things that he could easily do puts an unnecessary and unfair burden on me and that it has nothing to do with how I feel about him?
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female
reader, hello1  +, writes (22 November 2007):
 Think about what it be like when you have kids! you need to sort this out NOW. Do you really want to be married to an man who has a sexist attiude and expects you to do all the work? Refuse to run his errands anymore and sit him down if he isn't already sitting! tell him firmly that youre not going to live with a CHILD and he needs to pull his weight. Men can do it, my dad helps around the house all the time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): A couple have to use 'teamwork' to make a good relationship fly. Many people will not like this word, but your fiancee is 'untrained' and lazy dear. Most of us gals have been trained from childhood, to see and respond to menial jobs, tasks, household responsibilities. Sadly, not all men have had that training, when growing up. People do not change deeply ingrained patterns easily, even with the best of intentions. It takes re-training and lots of support and patience. The big Solution? Well-thought out and clearly stated expectations, by you. You both are engaged to be married and you have a future ahead...together. He has to pull his weight. It's time. Best to do this now, before kids come into the picture. So sit down with him and put all these designated tasks and chores on a list, and let him know what his responsibilities are.. Discuss with him what he feels he can handle and what he can't do. Communicate and compromise. The point is for him to take the load off you and it get him feeling 'capable and competent'. It will take time though. Take a positive route firstly. Surprise him with a kiss, hug, a compliment. for a job well done. Let him know you appreciate his efforts, after all, this is likely foreign to him. You might even tell him a night at the movies is something you want to treat him to, for trying so hard. This solution may be hard to undertake initially, but the wear and tear on your nerves and the life of your future marriage will make it worth it. In time, you'll be working together as a team and that will help build respect, good communications and intimacy, in your relationship. Trying this is a postive way rather than getting angry, nagging and making him feel resentful.
It sounds like you love this man, but do something,because ignoring this problem will only worsen. Nip it in the bud before you begin your marriage. Good luck and take care
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Definitely you need to start as you mean to go on - and fast - he is already getting too comfy with you and you are not his slave. Trust your gut instinct and don't make excuses for him. Just stick to what you think is fair and equal in your relationship otherwise it will start to undermine you.
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A
female
reader, calamitysil +, writes (21 November 2007):
 There should be a certain amount of give and take in a healthy relationship, but if you feel you're doing the bulk of the work, the balance is clearly wrong. If you're busy doing something, then tell him you're busy and he must sort it. You can say NO after all. If you always say yes, he'll quickly expect you to do everything, and then of course he'll sulk. Let him! He'll soon get used to doing his share. You should sit him down to discuss this as leaving it to fester will cause resentment, the major cause of miserable relationships. Don't let it get to this stage, nip it in the bud fast ;-)
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