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female
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*ackie222
writes: I was ugly in high school and could never get a boyfriend, so when I got out of high school I was searching for one high and low. I fell in love with a loser. I know he loves me but I just think we don't have enough in common. When we first got together and he asked me if I had a problem with video games or weed I was so desperate for a guy that I said no. But lately I feel that he's been spending more time smoking weed than with me. I also feel that he has no mitivation in life. He doesn't even see any purpose in getting a drivers license, or bank accout. I am thinking about the future wellbeing of me and my kids. I love him to death but I wish he was more outgoing. He said he would try but I guess I am just so impatient. Plus we need new furniture but he would rather go out and buy a video game. Will he ever grow up? Am I wasting my time? Please help me!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (7 November 2005):
 The most important thing for you to do is raise your self esteem. Get out there and make a life for yourself, an independent life away from this man who will bring you down if you allow him.
Think about all your good qualities and write them down. Read them to remind yourself of them every day and then act on them.
You do deserve far better than what this man has to offer. Yes, it does appear you are wasting your time but if you wish, give him a time limit to see if he will try to make any improvements and then, if he makes no contribution to improving your life together, grit your teeth and leave him. For the sake of yourself and your children.
Find ways and means of increasing your confidence. Get a new job, have your hair done, talk with friends and realise that you are due respect and love.
My thoughts are with you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2005): Duh! Yes you are wasting your time! When did it come to you? How about when you found out he spends a large part of his day smoking " weed?" It does mellow a guy out, but it also removes most his motivation to do anything with himself. Unless you are going to be his new mother, drop this guy. He has not grown up, and it won't happen soon, if ever.
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A
female
reader, buzzie  +, writes (5 November 2005):
WOW!!! For a minute there I thought I was reading my diary from 6 years ago!!
You are excactly the way I was when I was 21. I was a major nerd in highschool and never had a boyfriend, so when my ex showed an interest in me (even though he was a major loser) I jumped in his arms.
He was like your boyfriend, he had no motivation and spent all day on his nintendo machine. He collected wellfare and spent all his money on tobacco and movies or video games. He didnt have a car or even a valid drivers license to I had to taxi him and all his loser friends around.
I thought I loved him but then I realized that I was just at a really low point in my life and that he showed me attention when I needed it.
But once my self esteem improved and I finally woke up I realized that he was never going to change. He even told me that he expected his women to find work and support his lazy ass!! Then he said his goal was to scam the government so he would never have to work a day in his life. Well I dumped him a year after we started dating. And you know what? He's still on welfare and hasnt gotten his life together.
I know that right now you probably don't want to hear this, but your boyfriend is not going to change. I think that you should end this relationship, get your own life together and work on your self esteem. Set higher standards for yourself.
Trust me, you will laugh about this guy when your older and more wise. You'll tell everyone "what was I thinking? He was such a loser".
hang in there and remember, this too shall pass.
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