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female
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anonymous
writes: I am 18 and have been dating a guy of 19 for seven months. I believe he is my one true love. His mother is possessive and controlling, and he has to ask her for permission to see me. She often says no. He lives around the corner and this is killing me. He is very affectionate and I believe he truly loves me. Why is possible punishment from his mother more scary than losing me? Should I let him go? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006): Oh gosh, dear-I am so sorry. I know you do care deeply for him. Yes, your boyfriend does have choices, because he is an adult. This is a huge test of his love, of his sincerity, his committement for you. We take chances on the people we love. It's clearly apparent (as I said in my original posting) that maybe dating you would give him the assurances and confidence he needs to strike out on his own. Well, his relunctance is the big indicator that he's not ready to do that. It sounds like he's not ready to leave the safety of the family fold, yet. He likely loves you, but if his committment and ties to his family run too deep..then you have no choice, to accept this decision' and try your best to gain acceptance. The more you try to make him stay, the more he will passively resist by saying one thing but doing another. This will not be the best, most mature way for him to deal with relationship stress-but there's nothing you can do. All relationships are always built on mutual consent and respect.
Don't question him about this anymore. His choice is made-it's done. When you feel you have to make someone respond to you..then you run the risk of causing himself and you more pain. His actions alone, are telling you what he wants to go with his family and I feel bad for you, because I understand your pain. He just not at the same place as you are, in the giving aspect of love. He may need to find a healthy balance between his family relationships and love relationships. If he doesn't, this will always be a problem in his future. It will come, but with more growing and maturity, on his part. So you need to understand, dear-it's time to just back away and do the hard work to gaining acceptance and learn from this loss. With this knowledge that you can use this knowlege to find happiness but only with time and , if you don't let yourself stay stuck. Why not take all the good things about you, to give you the strength to accept? You've learned so much. You learned that if a guy doesn't make at least half the running, it's because of "how he is" and you're not prepared to put up with that, in the future. You've learned that good love is mutually nourishing. You've learned that your feelings all of them, not just the ones you think you're supposed to feel are there to guide you. Loss of a loved one is grievious, but we take that sorrow and we become stronger, more gracious, giving people as a result. You may have to bite the bullet but you'll get over this heartache in time. Meantime, you can build up your confidence, perhaps extend your social network. When you are all over this, look for men who can commit 'fully' to you. You really deserve it. Take care of yourself and be strong
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (8 March 2006):
 If this guy truely wanted to be with you he would satnd up to his family. I am sorry but if you want this man so much you are going to have to ask him why he is choosing to go with his family. Because after all that is what he is doing. Choosing to go with them.....he is 19 for chrissake!! He is in the eyes of the law an adult and cannot be made to go with anybody anymore.
So if he goes he has made HIS CHOICE to go with them, he cannot be forced.
His family have been around a lot longer than you have and to be honest if he wants to go with them and doesn't want to lose face he will tell you that he *has to go* with them. It is easier than saying to you *look, it was fun whilst it lasted, but we are too young to settle down and there is a whole world out there to explore* or words to that effect.
He probably does love you, but the timing is off on this one. Sounds like he is using his family as an excuse, do you really want a guy who is that weak?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Things were just getting how they should be when he dropped a bombshell last night - he is moving to Australia in
July. His father's company wants to move them there. To say that I am devastated is an understatement. I feel physically sick at the thought of losing him. He doesn't want to go, but does he really have a choice?
Maybe you know, I mean about his legal rights. He is 19, does he have to go with them? We live in South Africa, and he is not working. Why does God give us things, just to take them away? I know, maybe you'll say to make us stronger, but I don't want to be strong if it means hurting this much.
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reader, Virginiaac +, writes (21 December 2005):
Let him go. Do you really want a man so weak he is letting his mother control his love life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2005): He is only 19 and he's sounds very committed to his family-I respect that. You have choices. If you can live with this or not. If you value him..don't just let him go because his Mother is controlling. Take your time and go slow for now, because it can be very difficult to commit to someone, whose Mother controls the whole sphere of his life. I do think it's important for you to get to know his Mother and his family. If you don't know his family-she's likely just unsure of you, right now. You want to step slowly into his world. Having a good standing with her is beneficial, as I have known many a gf/daughter-in-law who has suffered greatly, under the withering glares and voices of their 'partner's' controlling Mother. And if you know her and she doesn't like you, perhaps begin by finding out exactly why. Your boyfriend will know. Mend the fences and carry on.
Dating you will give him the assurances & confidence he needs to strike out, on his own. Remember, his past upbringing is deeply ingrained. He could change but it will be hard for him to let go of the familiar, but in the end-it will be a positive for him, you and your future relationship. Just don't push for it too soon-it could take a long, long time. Just be aware. Good luck and take care
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reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (20 December 2005):
 No you shouldn't let him go. If you love him then help him understand that he needs to start SLOWLY breaking the bond between a mother and a son. She is probably jealous of you and or threatened by you because you may take away the love of her life. It's been my experience with my mother awhile back that she HATED all girls I dated. I never understood why until a few years ago. She actually told me that NO woman would ever be good enough for her son. Even though I haven't lived with them for 15 years she still get's involved in my love life. I told her several times to stay out of it and things would be fine. Don't take it personal and don't let go of him if you truely love him just hang in there it does get better. He does however need to start cutting the ties now for his sake. Sincerely Ed
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reader, crosstini +, writes (20 December 2005):
The real question is why does he let his mother control him like this? People can only control you as much as you let them. When I was dating my husband we had a similar jealousy issue with his step-mother. In the end we just told her 'tough luck' and she got on with it after a few months of being in a huff.
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