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My guy friend has anger management problems, how can I get him to understand that?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 February 2009) 9 Answers - (Newest, 18 March 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi im 17 and I've been having this problem with one of my really close guy friends. His mother has recently passed away and he's only 16. the only people he has in his life is me and his sister. Everytime we are together which is alot he always punches me or kicks me or slaps me on the shoulder or head and he gets very violent. One time he left alot of marks on me and when i went home my boyfriend was pissed and wanted to kill my guy friend. I know my guy friend has alot of emotion and anger built up but he constantly gets violent with me. i can take him venting and yelling about how he feels at me but i dont like getting physically attacked. everytime i ask him to stop he just hits me or kicks me and says "you dont want me doing that". i dont know why he does that and it bothers me because one day im going to blow up and knock him out but i am controlling myself for now. i dont want to not be his friend anymore because i have known him my whole life. i need some advice and help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009):

You need to fight back! Give him the help he deserves give him a second shot at life. Maybe he'll change for the better if you give help instead of putting him behind bars.

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A male reader, SarithAI United States +, writes (17 March 2009):

SarithAI agony auntI have similar problems. My brother is very abusive I can sympathize with you....But, it's okay just get him help and tell him that he's bastard and should go suck a nut! We can help each other, we got the same problem the answer: Just stop talking to him! And get him under house arrest if need be. Good luck :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Instead of removing myself full away from him i sat him down and talked to him. He said he didnt realize what he was doing and that he was mean to the people he loved which is true. but he went to go kick me and stopped himself and said i almost forgot. he apoligized and i told him that if i he acted up again i would not hang around with him any more. Before i had the talk with him we were in class and he smacked me in the head i made a scene in class and started calling him out on it. We went to get some dinner that night and thats when i talked to him. i took some aspirin from the headache he gave me from smacking me in the head and he finally realized what he was doing and that it wasnt right.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (10 February 2009):

He's acting like this (threatening suicide, turning it on you etc) because he is mentally ill. He's depressed and needs help.

Tell him you will only be his friend if he sees a doctor and tell his sister that he needs PROFESSIONAL help, and that he has talked about killing himself.

Yelling won't work because that will just enforce the fact that he is bad and miserable.

Good Luck!! xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i have told his sister and she yells at him but nothing gets through to them. in my parents eyes he is wonderful so when i tell them he yells at me or slaps me on the shoulder or kicks me they just say he is "upset". i told him the other day if he didnt stop doing what he does i cant be his friend anymore. he totally turned the tables on me and said "you dont care about me and if you wont be my friend then there is nothing worth living for" my boyfriend has constantly yelled at my guy friend but cant really hit him because my boyfriend is 23 and my guy friend is 16 so my boyfriend would go to jail. i have had to stop my boyfriend many times from beating my guys friends ass. i have always supported my guy friend and am always there for him day and night. anything i say to my guy friend that tells him to stop or sounds mean he gets all emotional and gets more mad. i dont get him.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (7 February 2009):

LazyGuy agony auntYou want to help him. Fine, leave him alone. Being a punching bag for him is NOT helping him. He needs real help, not someone who just lets him go out of control with no consequences.

Sorry, but you just ain't though enough to deal with this, few people are. Dealing with troubled teens is a job best left to the pro's and even then after they had years of experience. You can't do it.

It might seem to you that you would be deserting a friend but it is the best thing to do. Stop being his outlet.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (7 February 2009):

You can't help him by being his punch bag.

He is probably very angry and it's definitely going to be because of the death of his mother, but that doesn't mean YOU have to take a beating.

You may be doing more harm than good because he is learning that hitting people is ok and they will just take it and it's normal. What if he starts hitting his girlfriends? Do you really want him to be that kind of guy?

DO NOT take it any more. If he gets angry then leave the room. Tell him you will not be physically assaulted. If you care about him then you HAVE to be strong because he NEEDS help.

Get onto his sister and find some grief charities that may be able to give him counselling.

Also get him to sign up for a local boxing club. Taking it all out on a punchbag is what he needs to do. Taking it out on a girl who just accepts it is a VERY dangerous way for him to learn to deal with his anger.

Good Luck!! xx

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A male reader, lovelynightmare United States +, writes (7 February 2009):

lovelynightmare agony auntIf his anger management problem is directed towards you, and he's beating you up, get out of there. He could injure you severely. Free yourself from his physical tyranny.

I'd say tell parents and authorities to get a restraining order on him. Maybe then he will understand what he can lose through extreme anger like his.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009):

OMG he needs help

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