A
female
age
30-35,
*andabird
writes:OK, I'm having a problem between my boyfriend and my best friend. They used to be quite good friends with each other before I got together with him... We all met at the same time at uni. But since I've started going out with him, my friend doesn't seem to want to spend much time with him, and isn't interested in spending time as a three, which we always used to do... I understand that the transition is weird for my friend, and we rarely act 'couply' around him to maintain normality and so he doesn't feel left out.My friend will constantly make remarks about the relationship, and makes snide comments all the time... My boyfriend isn't behaving much better to be honest...My friend thinks I spend too much time with my boyfriend. My boyfriend thinks I put my friend before him.I try to split my time between them as evenly as I can, I spend a couple of evenings each week with each of them separately, and we'll spend one or two evenings drinking as a group with other people, but it is stressing me out so much. I never have time to myself because they are always competing for my attention.I have talked to them Both about this, and it has gotten no-where.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): Friendships are tricky and can be a direct threat to the relationship you have with your mate, but they don't have to be.
Don'ts
1. No secrets! All parties should know each other. If anything should change in a friendship, your partner needs to know.
2. Time spent with friends should never supersede time spent with your partner, unless there is a dire emergency.
3. Never make an agreement/arrangement with a friend that can't be changed. The agreement/arrangement should always be negotiable, so that if it isn't working for your partner, it can always be modified or cancelled.
4. Never make your partner feel that he/she isn't the most important relationship to you. This is basically uncharted territory, so be aware and sensitive of your partner's feelings.
5. Never put the needs of your friends before your partner.
Do's
#6. To ensure comfort and trust, there needs to be a high level of maturity and self-esteem with all involved, especially concerning friends of the opposite sex. Evaluate this with your partner and really talk about everyone's concerns and fears.
1. Ground rules need to be established from the beginning, i.e., what's okay and what's not for all the people involved. For instance, is it okay for friends of the opposite sex to get together when the partner is out of town? How much time is spent with friends on a monthly basis? What do the friends do together? Each couple will have their own individual concerns and questions to consider.
2. Everyone needs to be in agreement that it's okay for any friendship to take place. No one should be left out of the process.
3. You need to be up front at all times with your partner, letting him/her know when you're seeing your friends.
4. If the partner ever feels uncomfortable with an agreement/arrangement, he/she can speak up at any time. Their feelings and concerns need to be considered and taken seriously.
In theory, most couples want their partners to be happy and to have friends. In reality, this can only happen by following ground rules. The main issues surrounding friendships are usually jealousy and, in cases of opposite sex friends, physical intimacy. If you can talk about your friends freely there is less likelihood of these types of problems occurring.
Keep the lines of communication open at all times with everyone involved. Be honest with yourself and your partner.
A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 It sounds like your friend wants to break you up, probably because he has feelings for you.
If you love your boyfriend then your loyalty should be on his side, its a tough call but only you can make this work.
Leaving it like this will put a strain on your relationship and will probably end breaking up.
If they wont listen to you then its your call who to focus more on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 Hook him up with a girl he might like. I was in a situation like this, I became the third person. What I wanted was for them to find me a friend to make up for the loss and betrayal I was feeling. Sometimes people feel so stuck trying to compete for attention they forgot about the other people.
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