A
female
age
41-50,
*lowergirl888
writes:I met a guy last year and we had nearly been together a year. When I met this guy I was in a bad place in my life and he was the most amazing guy I had ever met. Always texting poems, sending photos, doing everything for me and giving me so much love and affection. He really was mr perfect. I left the current relationship I was in and moved in with him. During the months we were together my ex harrassed me and my partner was such a support. He let me cry on his shoulder and was there for me every second and made me feel so special and I confided my whole life in him and told him al the things I had done in my life that I wasnt proud of including I used to do porn years ago which i have never told anyone. Now after my ex started to lay off me abit I noticed that my new man began to change. He became suddenly over paranoid. Txing me al the time when I went out, always accusing me of having sex when I went out. Telling me I even dirty and sometimes if i had been out sayin i smelt of sex an i was so shocked why he would think this there was no reason for it. He even went as far as timing me when I went to see my ex as we had 2 dogs together and when one of the dogs got run over he would get very funny if I said I would be half hour and if i was just over 5 mins late be extremely paranoid.He even timed me when I was out with friends. When I met him I was glamour model and little by little he began to get it into my head that I shouldnt be showing myself like this so I changed alot in my life to make him happy. Shut down my website, stopped doing nude shoots and stopped the erotic dancing. He always said you are doing this for your self not for me. Now I am looking back on al this I am wondering if he was beginning to control me? Now after 8 months of being with him I realized there were cracks. He got my stuff and threw me out so i had to go back to my ex's to live. Now during the next 2 months he tried to back track, Telling me missed me and love me and trying to see me as much as poss even tho I was cold to him and told him I wanted friends only. He would sit near my house and say he was checking I was ok. Anyway things suddenly changed I began to miss him and as my feelings grew stronger he went the opposite way. The more i asked him for love and to sort things out the more he grew cold. Over the past 2 months I have been trying to fix our relationship and this is when i have really noticed how nasty he is. Putting me down, bringing up my past, telling me even that I'm stupid and insulting me infront of friends. We have been in a on / off relationship for weeks. He blowing hot then cold. Telling me that he loves me but we need build up again and he says friends could bring us closer again. Now I began to come more independent by doing things with friends and by myself which is what he said he wanted however when ever I plan a night out and tel him I get the silent treatment for 2 days after and he is nasty. Now I know he is a very jealous person but is that a reason to treat me like this? He also denies me love and affection and says things like well you deserve it today or other days says I dont deserve it. Its like he has become someone else? Now other the last week i told him i wanted a relationship but he has told me he just sees us as close friends. He still txts me every day and questions what im doing and who with and where. I honestly feel like he just wants the control and if i dont do something right I am punished for it. He says he is like way he is cos he needs reassuring but im not so sure now who i fell for. It hurts bad and most of my stuff is still at his place. Now is this emotional abuse control? I dont know whether I should walk away and cut al strings or carry on with this and see where it goes
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emotionally abusive, jealous, moved in, my ex, porn, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): Porn is no easy thing to overcome... ever. Especially if you are looking for something traditional. Things like this take time. Sure he's abusive and childish...he probably loves you very much and has no idea how to express the feelings he has. All that cheap sex probably came as a shock. If you love him then work with him. If not check your own ego at the door and end it.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (21 February 2013):
The reason he's hot and cold is the same reason you are: people want to be accepted and loved. When they are rejected, even by a partner they may not have been that into, it can make them feel like they'd do anything to be with them. When they get their wish reality sets back in and they change their minds again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): "Now I know he is a very jealous person but is that a reason to treat me like this?"
Yeah of course, why not? It's not like you're going to do anything about it, you're perfectly willing to let him change your life to suit him and you like to feed his jealousy so I really see no problem here.
"Its like he has become someone else?"
Nope, he's just become the real him which he kept hidden while still trying to impress you.
"I honestly feel like he just wants the control and if i dont do something right I am punished for it."
That's exactly what it is, but you love it or you would have been gone already.
"I dont know whether I should walk away and cut al strings or carry on with this and see where it goes"
See what I mean? You really don't know? Read your question again and read the entire list of shit that he does.
You know I'd normally advise a person in your situation to move on but you don't want to, you like this. Like him you're a co-dependent, you need this kind of control in your life for some reason or you would have told him to go fuck himself a long time ago.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
So decide OP, what's more important to you, being the martyr or having a healthy relationship?
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A
female
reader, Cookiemonster1987 +, writes (20 February 2013):
This man sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. He shouldn't make accusations without basis or call you names. I would leave immediately because you are wasting time being miserable when you deserve to be happy. You need someone who will treat you lovingly and respectfully.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 February 2013):
 You ask: "Now is this emotional abuse control? I dont know whether I should walk away and cut al strings or carry on with this and see where it goes..."
I answer: This is two adults acting like children (Yes, you are part of the childishness...).... and YOU need to decide if YOU want to live your life vascillating between/amongst men who you think you love and who love you.... OR, are you going to have your OWN life... which YOU control.... and proceed with that life WITHOUT predicating it on the man/men who you fancy at the time (any time).....
Sure, there's a form of abuse going on in what you describe in your submittal.... BUT, please consider, that people can only abuse those who CONSENT to being abused. Do you? (consent to being abused)???? If "No," then walk away from this man... and get on with your life... on your OWN terms....
Good luck....
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