A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:In January I met this guy and at first I wasn't really attracted to him. I thought hey why not I might just give it a chance. We met for lunch really nice guy. He then ask me out on a date, I accepted and I met him for dinner. I was starting to become interested.Though I was being very careful,for about a month we would meet about once a week for dinner and dancing.I was starting to grow fond of him. He was very persistant and seem to really like me. No intimacy or even a kiss yet. He was wanting to meet my family and wanted to see more of me. Anyway my daughter in law invited us to my sons b-day party.I hesitated and invited him.My son and him just hit it off and thought he was a great guy. I thought to myself. Wow! Maybe this will work. Any way we started dating seriously and after about 2 months he tells me he love me. At this point I am beeming. Another month of dating he starts calling me less and making excuseswork,sick Etc: I'm wanting to spend more time with him. This bothering me that I think if he really loves me he would wnt to spend time with me.I start getting a liitle insecure about how he really feels.Getting to the point a week ago we were out and said that he was in love with me.The day after this wonderful event My sons wife called with an emergency about a family spat (she can be a drama queen) they were having and wanted me to talk with him.I ususually don't get involved in my married childrens issues. I want them to handle this on their own, but I was asked this time. This was the first time I have ever did this. The folowing day my guy tells me we need have a talk and wants to break because he doesn't want to be involved with some who has family issue's. This 2 days after he tells me he in love with me. That was on Mother's Day! I haven't talk to him since. What do you think? I am really confused and hurt.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Have you started to date someone else or are you thinking of dating someone else?
And was that the person he saw you dancing with. He was certainly affected by a little jealousy when he saw you happy.
If he has medical issues like heart surgery I can understand why he might be over-whelmed by that. And have felt that he should step back. People are often particularly pessimistic prior to and even after heart surgery. But he should have been honest about this with you. I am sure you would have been happy even to visit him in hospital.
However this guy is still "on probation" with me, due to other actions of his in the past.
I sounds like there is a lingering wish to make this work. Versus perhaps a new guy who you hardly know.
You can either tell him, no thanks, I am considering this other guy who I have not gone out with yet.(if that is the case). Or: You can tell him, no thanks, I want to give this new guy a chance as he is such a gentleman (if the other guy is that)
But if you still want to give him one more chance?
Don't let him pick you up and drop you like a Tom Cat playing with some play thing (and torturing it during the process)
So he needs to step up and be a thorough gentleman and treat you like a lady.
I'd stick to lunch with him first. In a nice public place. He needs to turn up on time. Not cancel at the last minute; And treat you with respect. Talk to you about his real life. And get to know each other as friends only. Maybe attend a few public events.
That is, IF you want to give him a chance?
And if he CAN ensure the "lunches only" routine and the need to be punctual and not cancel at the last minute, then there is a chance.
However it he cannot hack these conditions you are find. Because you have already discovered that other guys DO find you attractive.
Try to discover if he has commitment issues. And also whether he has some serious baggage from his own family disputes in the past. If he cannot explain these things. Or cannot think of ways to resolve these things then he needs to explore why he does panic just after telling you he loves you. Or why he wants to go missing if you have a family crisis. It is not exactly supportive to reject you for such reasons.
But if it appears that he just intends to draw you away from the competition, and then intends to drop you again? well you know what you need to do.
Meeting for lunch a few times, and nothing more, will start the ball rolling and confirm if he has addressed from his punctuality issues, and whether he is genuine in his affection particularly just for you.
Good luck. Once you have told him what you expect of him. And Set out what your boundaries are, and insisted on honesty, then the rest is up to him.
Never be afraid to set out your boundaries and stick to those boundaries. Don't relent. Because things that are important to you need to be respected. By him and by you.
Good luck with you exciting future. With either him or a lovely man who treats you with the respect you deserve.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,I haven't seen or talked to him for six month now.My friends and I were out about a week ago to socialize and dance. Anyway he was there sitting across the room from me didn't even see him at first. I looked up and he was waving at me. Waved back and smiled. I went over and ask how he was doing and kind of just filled each other in on our lives and then ignored the rest of the evening. I am not a bitter person figured you can't make some one love you. I accepted the break up and decided to get on with my life a few months ago. Anyway yesterday he stopped by my office and ask me to lunch, I accepted. He ask me if I would forgive him for being such an asshole. I said sure. He went on to say that when he saw me dancing with other men and realized what a fool he was and ask me for a dinner date. He said the real reason he broke up was due health reasons involving heart surgery. I said to him you hurt me, and should have let me make that choice and if he wanted back in my life he had to act like it. No more excuses,secrets or backing off etc: So eager to please me now.
I explain to him that I had started to date someone else.
Should I give him another chance?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): Wonderful posts from abella as well as the other aunt here. I agree with them both.
Have you tried asking him what his problem is? Talking never hurts and usually helps.
Hope this helps.
AMAL
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 May 2011):
if you chase him you will send all the wrong signals. Let him chase you, IF he is interested. No letter, absolutely not.
Look at his track record. You met him. Your relationship consisted of once a week dates. Not much involvement in daily life. Then he was eager to meet YOUR family. Was he as eager to invite you to meet his family and his friends?
You took him to a family even. But then you had a family crisis. He freaked out. He rejected you.
Did you get empathy and understanding then from him - no!
Did you get a proper explanation from him or even an apology at his over reaction? No!
Then you tried inviting him for dinner, but he was too busy so HE cancelled. Did he then invite you to his place for dinner and did such a dinner take place? NO. At this point you are doing too much of the running. Showing you are very keen. Did he then show some good faith? No.
Then he came to pick up things from you. Did you in the unterim receive flowers? A letter saying he was sorry for freaking out. Some explanation of his reaction. No. Because he felt confident enough that you might be in such need that he could hug you and he would be able to resume things on HIS terms.
But you did the right thing to protect yourself. Since the guy was positioning himself to take advantage of your feelings.
you backed away. Well done you. You sent the signal, 'not so fast buddy. Explanations and more effort required on his part first'
Of course he acted affronted. He realised you were not the pushover he thought he had.
You signalled that a hug just will not cut it, not after his earlier actions.
It is time HE did the running.
A letter to him to signal that you will be putty in his hands?
Hell No!
Guys are really good at keeping their distance, as if it does not bother them. Even if it does.
But a guy who waits to see which girl is the most anxious , the most eager, is looking for the most amenable, the most accomodating gal who will give give give.
Backing off is correct.
Just a hug to resume things is not enough considering his track record.
He is not eager, he is nonchalant.
Go find a new guy who is more real, more genuine, nd who does the running to Show you how much he cares.
Always make sure the guy tries really hard to show you His Good Faith.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow it's been three weeks! I feel like I need some closure.
The day he picked up his dvd's I had borrowed from him. He tried to hug me and I froze up and backed away.This is beacuse i was really hurt. I feel bad about this now. I ran into to him the other night and he seemed really sad and ignored me. I tried to break the Ice but I didn't want to push it. I would like to let him know. Let him know that their is no hard feelings now. that you can't some one love you. I would like to be on at least a friendly basic.After all we hang out at the same place. Should I write him a letter to let him know this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did try to have him over for dinner but he was always too busy, every time I planned a dinner he always cancelled.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 May 2011):
He sounds way too extra cautious like some nervous nelly.
Maybe he has issues and baggage from the past that are still smouldering within him. But that is his problem and he needs to work it out before he can go forward.
Did he envisage that your family are grown up and so will not need nor want to see you or call on you occasionally?
Even very happy families have issues from time to time. For instance if you had a grandchild ill and the family needed support, then I am sure you would drop everything to assist.
I think he initially presented the 'he's too good to be true' persona. But now you are seeing the real man. And he lacks sincerity and empathy.
Although it was working very well most of the settings allowed formal controlled settings. Over a nice lunch or dinner and dancing.
Maybe, if he has second thoughts, and wants to see you again, then you could invite him over the day you do some of the every day things you do. And if you need to clean the BBQ, or wash the dogs, do your weekly shopping , then tell him, this is the real me and this is how I live. Serve him up regular meals, nothing fancy. Just the real you.
Start as you mean to go on.
If he runs a mile then he is not for you.
Next time try to involve a guy in everyday life things so that there is no shock, just when it seems you are on the verge of a relatioship break through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Sounds like he's a bit frightened of getting more involved, or maybe it triggered something from his past. You two need to talk about this and get to the bottom of it.
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