A
female
age
30-35,
*opelessly.hopeful
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been dating this guy for about a year. We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but there's one thing I can't seem to get over: his ex. I'm generally not the type to be insecure and unsure of myself, however, there's something about the situation that makes me uneasy. When we were in the initial stages of dating, we shared our views on how we feel about maintaining a relationship with exes. He vehemently was opposed to doing so, even stating that he "hated" his exes. My opinion is the opposite; I've maintained a pure friendship with all of my exes. His opinion was clearly stated, but I caught him talking to one in particular about six months ago. No big deal, right? But the shady thing was that he disguised her name as one of his male's friends, so I wouldn't be suspicious. The conversation was innocent, but we all know that all un-innocent things start off that way. We reconciled, but it still doesn't sit well with me.And today I see an e-mail he sent to himself that is a list of inside jokes they had when they were together.I know it's horrible to snoop, but I'd rather be aware than be made a complete fool of.So the question ultimately is, am I wasting my time by trying to develop this further when my gut is telling me he's still hungover on her?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Well dont judge him or accuse him of anything, just start of by telling him you dont want an arguement that you just want to tell him how you feel. Explain to him that if he wants to talk to his ex as a friend then that is fine but he needs to be open and honest with you because if he starts being secretive with you then tell him it is going to make you insecure and make you feel like he is hiding more from you than he is. Goodluck.
A
female
reader, hopelessly.hopeful +, writes (10 December 2010):
hopelessly.hopeful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunt Honesty,
I appreciate the straightforward reply. As for my feeling insecure, I feel as if it's attributed to the fact that I'm confused as to how one person can have one opinion but act in the complete opposite manner.
I plan on having a constructive conversation with him about the subject sometime today, but I just don't know how to go about it without coming off as accusatory and hostile. We've had this talk numerous times before, but it always turns into a heated argument because of our strong personalities.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (10 December 2010):
Well when a guy says he hates his ex then is caught texting her then yes it could mean that he is not over her. But you have both been together for a year now so you should know him and trust him enough to decide if you feel he is worth it or not.
Apart from the texts and email is there any other suspicious behaviour? Has he become distant towards you or secretive? You need to be able to trust him for this relationship to have any hope at all.
You say you were never the insecure type but you show the classic behaviour here, you discovered his texts from his ex and you broke his privacy and went through his email, am sorry but i dont agree with this behaviour its stepping over the line, you either trust him or you dont but dont go through his private stuff as it is not acceptable and it will just drive you both apart.
You need to sit down and have a chat with him, tell him how you feel. Tell him you dont mind him talking to his ex as long as he is not secritive about it, ask him just to be honest with you all of the time or else the relationship wont work.
Goodluck.
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