A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my 35 yr old boyfriend in a LDR for just over 18 months. Things started off amazing. He was really into me, and proudly introduced me to all his family and after 6 months he started mentioning moving in together. I felt it was too soon. I just wanted to enjoy spending time getting to know him more first. I wonder if he is commitment phobic but then he has had far longer lasting relationships than me and lived with an ex-girlfriend so wonder if it is me with the problem as I tend to bolt at the first sign of trouble in a relationship.. I can't get to grips with the fact that someone who was so enthusiastic about me at first now seems fine with only seeing me once every 5 weeks at the worst extreme. He doesn't seem his usual self at all. He has been working very long hours lately so I hardly see him. He has seemed withdrawn and distant. I wonder if he is stressed, tired, depressed. I have even started to think about the possibility that maybe he is having an affair. When I asked him what was wrong he said 'nothing is wrong' and when I suggested that maybe he didn't want to see me anymore he was mortified and said 'of course I still want to see you'.He always told me he liked his space since he had an overbearing ex who would phone him every 1/2 hr. I respect his need for space so I contact him 1 or 2 times a week, however my sympathies are starting to lie with her because I can rarely get hold of my bf on the phone.I have told him twice that we need to be seeing more of each other before we can even think about moving in together but whilst he makes an effort to see more of me to start with, things quickly slide back to us hardly seeing one another. The physical side of our relationship has virtually broken down because of sexual problems on both sides. Mine has now been sorted out.My boyfriend told me from the outset that he finds things hard to talk about so I decided to text him some loving messages instead. However, it seems to make him bolt for anything up to 3 days and he never texts it back.Most times I try to organise something these days he has to leave early or there is some excuse why he can't come at all. I have also noticed that he always seems to want other people around now, so that on the rare occasion that we do see each other we spend very little time alone.I have been thinking for many months now that I have been duped by him and that he didn't want to have a serious relationship with kids at all but he just wanted to get me into bed and that was it as I noticed that the comments about moving in stopped after we had sex for the first time 8 months into the relationship. A friend of his said some time ago that he had bet my bf that he wouldn't be married by the time he was 40. I ignored him at the time because I think he was trying to cause trouble between us because I think he fancies me, however I am starting to think there is something in what he says. I have reached the stage where I feel he simply wheels me out in front of family and friends to prove a point, whatever that may be.I feel he is the love of my life as there has been much that has been good yet I also feel so frustrated by him. I told him that I can't do this long distance thing anymore last week and he was constantly phoning me like he used to and he rushed over to see me bringing gifts for my family. We had a lovely family meal together. Can anyone shed some light on what is going on with him? Is there anything else I can try to get things back on track? Do I ride these problems out? My gut instinct is that he is no longer interested in me. My problem basically boils down to me not being happy with the level of contact we have on all levels!!!
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female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (22 March 2009):
LDR's are very challenging. It's hard when you can't see that person regularly. But seriously -- you need to trust your gut. I know you are very emotionally attached to this man, but someone who seems to have done a complete 180 in their affections for you after 18 months and only steps it up if you threaten to end things? Sounds to me like this guy is not really interested but you are his "safety blanket" so he doesn't want to lose you. It's possible he has met someone else and wants to see where it goes before he cuts you loose.
Whatever the case may be, if he refuses to admit there is an issue or discuss the problem and he is not putting effort into this relationship, then you need to stop putting effort into this relationship. Muster up your self respect, realize that you are a wonderful woman with a rich, full life and get out there and start living that wonderful life. You deserve someone who is there FOR YOU and WITH YOU and not someone who runs away every time you reach out to them. Stop chasing after this guy who is not putting the effort in. Turn the tide, blow him off when he tries to call you and let him see how it feels to not be able to reach his significant other. If he wants to be with a woman as wonderful as you, then he damn well better put the effort into it. Or else you have better things to do.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (22 March 2009):
There is no telling what is going on in his head. Any of the things you have suggested are possible.
Either way, you have tried talking to him about it, you have tried saying that you feel like he doesn't want you... and it seems like nothing is going to change.
My advice is that if you want a guy to settle down and have kids with, then at your age (I'm not saying you are old here, but you need to think if you meet a guy now, then it might be 2 or 3 years till you start trying for a baby, and by THAT time then your biological clock may well be ticking.) you can't afford to mess around.
Tell him that you have told him you're not happy, he's done nothing to change so you are off.
You are a young attractive woman in control of your life so don't hang around for a guy who is not willing to put the effort in.
Good Luck!! xx
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