A
male
age
30-35,
*o Smithson
writes:To give you guys a little bit of background, I'm a student at uni deciding on my career options. I'm in a long distance relationship and have been throughout my time at uni. We met at high school, fell in love and have been with each other ever since, despite being at universities 330 miles away from each other. I love this girl to pieces, and she does me, so we make this work. Neither of us wants to break up with each other to go off and live the single life or anything like that, we know we've got something pretty special and we'll go through the ups and downs so we can be together. We think it's worth holding on too, as long as there's a future in it.The problem we've got is when we look into the future. The entire time we've been doing long distance we've always aimed at the time when we can be to the same city, and hopefully move in together. This would be when my course is done, as she's on a medical degree several years longer than mine and will have at least another 6 years including training based in that one city, so the idea would be I move down to her. Now that doesn't fit with what I think I want to do for my career. I could get good jobs in that city, but ever since I've started looking into this I've been feeling that's not what I want. I think I want to work in a career in International Politics, some sort of Intergovernmental Organisation probably, and although I'm not 100% certain about this I'm pretty sure, and feel more so every time I think about it. This career path has limited options in that city. I'd probably need to go at least somewhere in Europe to get a job in this, and furthermore most things I've looked tell me I need to live abroad and experience other cultures just to get in in the first place. We both agree we're not sure we could do it if I go live in another country straight after my degree, so if we stick together I'd probably have to put my ideal career on hold for a few years until she finishes, try and find work in related jobs (maybe civil service) that could interest me and give good experience until she's done, and then hope I've done enough to get a good job in that career when she is done. Now obviously that's REALLY not what I'd plan in a perfect world, I'd prefer to live abroad when I'm younger, have some adventures and get into the career sooner, but I would be willing to do it for our relationship. I know some people might tell me to grow some balls at that, but I think the way I feel about her would make this worthwhile. However, when she's done I'd want to 'get my turn' to follow my dream career, and if I based myself around her for 6 years + I don't think that's unreasonable.Yet here's another issue. She's not sure she'd be willing to do it. The kicker is that even when she's done training she doesn't think she'd want to live abroad; she wants to be near her family and friends instead and is doesn't want to lose her ideal of us living and working together in the same city she's always been in. I've tried to talk her around but she's made the fair point that I can't expect her to move countries for me. She wouldn't speak the language, she'd be away from family and friends, and there's not even a guarantee that a doctor could get a job elsewhere. If we could make it work I think she might do it for me, but that's a think, not a know. She's told me that told me if I do choose to follow this career path long term she's not sure she could bear it, she wants to know there's a future to us, and wants our ideals to match. I love the ideal of living together near friends and family, but I'm afraid that to do that I'd have to give up on a career path I think I really want.So here's my problem, I'm basically a confused student trying to plan out his life that's starting to find his relationship with a girl I love with all my heart might well not be able to work with the career I think I'd love. Any help would be really appreciated. Please don't just tell me 'long distance doesn't work' or 'to man up and dump her' without giving reasons cos I'll just ignore you. But please, any serious advice would be great!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): I think if you really love her then you'd be willing to wait, I also think it gives you guys good time to think about everything and for you to work and build experience and perhaps save up some money and such, I don't really see this as a problem, wait for her to be finished if you love her! :)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 You know what? Until you have a concrete job offer in your hand all of this is hypothetical. You'd like a job in international politics... sure, but so do tons of other people, and in this economy (especially in your country) what are the true odds of you landing a dream job right after your studies? Pretty slim. You could be on the lookout for as job for quite some years before you get this great job in international politics. By all means, apply for jobs! And maybe if you get called in for interviews, go to them, you need the training. And should you happen to get a job, wow, well that's lucky for you, and THEN you should talk to your girlfriend about possibly going down that route. But as for now, without an actual job offer, there's not much for you to "choose" as far as career path is concerned. You got to take what you can get and not be picky.
You're not even done studying, all of this is in the far future. Relax. Chill. You might not get that job in international politics for another 10 years, and in the meantime you can spend a few years living with your girlfriend and building up some work experience. Then, once you and her have actually lived together, who knows, you and her might feel differently about moving to other cities. I mean, if you get a good job offer that pays well, and maybe you and her have a kid by then and she's on maternity leave, she can move with you and you will support the family. And maybe the job is just for a couple of years, and then you move back, and it never becomes an issue. You don't know. So leave the future to sort itself out, and deal with it once you get to it.
It's funny how life sorts itself out this way. When I was still a student I talked to my then boyfriend about possibly moving after studies were done, to get a job. And he freaked out and said he couldn't wait for me if I moved, and in the end that was part of the reason for why we broke up as well. Now, 5 years later, I'm still in the same city as him... So I guess he was worried for absolutely no reason, and maybe one could say we broke up for no reason as well. But in the end, he and I just weren't compatible, and if he wasn't willing to see what the future had in store for us, but would rather end things because of what might happen in the future, then his loss.
Don't end things with your girlfriend over what MIGHT happen. Don't argue with her, or get worried, over things that MIGHT happen. Deal with things as they happen, and just let life unfold and see what's next in store for you. But don't jump ahead of yourself and think you can predict what you will end up doing in life, because you honestly don't know what life has in store for you.
So, again, I must point out, that unless you have an actual offer for a job abroad, then all of this is hypothetical. You might as well ask yourself what to do if you get hit by a bus tomorrow, and end up in a wheel chair. Ask your girlfriend to decide if she'll want to be with you then as well, because that's just as likely to happen as you going abroad for a job... it's all hypothetical at this point.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): Finish your course, move to her city for six months, then decide. You may realize she isn't the one for you after all and you will travel/ work overseas feeling totally happy with your decision, or you may realize life isn't worth living without her and be happy to give up your career for her.
Whatever you 'give' to the relationship, you can NEVER expect something back for it.... it may happen, but resentment will eat at your soul if it doesn't. You can only 'give' because you want to give that gift, and anything returned is a 'gift'.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): I give you 2 reasons to leave the girl:
1- A pushy girlfriend/wife means a slow and painful death. If you don't believe me, ask older men who have married pushy women.
2- The economy is getting worse and worse every day. Jobs are hard to find, good jobs are impossible to find. But there are millions of girls available. Never sacrifice a career for a girl.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 I know that we're a relationship site, but in your case, your relationship is not the most important issue, so I'll save that until after I talk about what I saw most in your post:
I get the feeling that you don't know who you are yet. You know what's familiar, and you know you love your girlfriend. She has been a constant in your life. But you feel kinda lost, don't you?
Before you can be a whole and complete man, and before you can offer something to the woman you love, you must find yourself. Your girlfriend is being honest with you when she says that if you choose a career that will make a long distance relationship a permanent fixture, she can't continue. That's totally fair, as it takes a special kind of partner who can make long absences work.
She isn't trying to control you. She's simply telling you that that career path will create for her an insurmountable incompatibility. But the thing it, you're not sold on that path, are you? If you were to tell us that this was your lifelong dream, I'd say that you needed to pursue it. But it isn't your lifelong dream, is it??
You need to know who you are and what you love. A "dream career" isn't one that you need to wait your turn for. A dream career would already be fulfilling you even in the training and education phase.
This may be a timing thing when it comes to her. You're at a point in your life when you're defining who you are, which has to come before you join yourself with someone else. To know who you are from a young age is admirable and lucky, but not everyone knows! That's okay!
Right now, you must focus on finding your dream. You might lose her based on whether or not you pursue something that will make it hard for her to be compatible with. This is okay. You need to find your way, or you'll never be a good partner for someone else.
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A
female
reader, psychic fiona +, writes (29 October 2012):
 well, you do have a promblem that's for sure, the best thing to do is to finish what you started in your career, you still have a few years before shes done anyway. you guys are already so yous are already used to the idea of being far apart from each other. so it's not that bad if you follow your dreams. and by time shes ready in a few years you both can decide what to do and youll never know maybe you wont like there but if you dont go you will have it in the back of your mind . what if?. so i say take a chance and live your dreams because it only come one time around. and if she really loves you she will wait for you and also be understanding.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): "a girl I love with all my heart" is defined as a girl who has a place for your heart in her life, and for whom you in turn have a place for her heart in your life.
"a girl I love with all my penis" is defined as a girl who has a place for your penis in her life but not your heart, and for whom you in turn have a place for the place she has for your penis in your life, but not her heart.
Translation: Stop thinking with your dick and start thinking with your brain, SHE is thinking with HER brain knowing you are thinking with your dick.
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