A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts!I am a 20 year old male who has been with my girlfriend for over a year now. She is the only woman I have ever been intimate with. My problem is that I cannot make her orgasm except by rubbing her clit and she is getting very frustrated with that. She says that sex feels good, but that not being able to have an orgasm is a huge tease for her.We talked about it and she said that her ex-bf (the one before me) made her orgasm "sometimes" and the one before that made her orgasm "every time" so I know she is capable. We both figured that over time we would find a rhythm (especially since I was a virgin) but now a year has passed. I am not really sure what to do! I mean when it comes down to it sex is pretty simple. We've done it gently, rough (she says she likes hard and fast best), talking dirty, all different positions, even with me rubbing her at the same time and the only way I can make her cum is to masturbate her after I have finished which she says is "nice" but "unsatisfying." She won't let me try oral sex on her either, because she doesn't like the idea of it. If I try to start she will pull me up on top of her.I have heard her friends talk about guys they dated before that were "good" or "bad" in bed and I am not really sure what makes the difference other than maybe penis size and I can't change that. (Mine is average or slightly smaller than average.)So what makes a man a better lover? More stamina and endurance? She doesn't say I finish too quickly. In fact, we are now at the stats where she wants me to hurry and finish so she can get hers since after too long sex starts to go from "nice" to "irritating." I am at my wit's end. I don't need to make her cum every time like that other guy, but it is depressing that I can't even do it once! I asked her what he did differently and she says she doesn't know or can't articulate but he just got her off no problem.Are we just sexually incompatible or it is my lack of experience?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2013):
 The problem is not you. The problem is your GF's expectations.
Sheesh she's having orgasms from manual stimulation (HOW NORMAL OF HER) and it can take up to 20 minutes (how normal of her) and she's not happy.
She could be like a friend of mine who has NEVER been able to achieve an orgasm in any way..or like me who has only ever had ONE partner who could consistently bring me to orgasm from oral. I have had exactly ONE orgasm ONCE from penetrative sex and I've been having sex for nearly 40 years...
SOME women (read MOST) cannot and WILL NOT orgasm from penetration. It's a frustrating fact of life for us.
What I used to do with my previous partner was we did lots of foreplay and tons of oral... PENETRATION did not occur until I had an orgasm. And if he wanted a blow job instead of penetration for his orgasm that was fine too.
SHE needs to change HER expectations.
I strongly urge her to read "OUR BODIES OURSELVES" to get a better grasp of her physiology and why her demands are outrageous.
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (30 December 2013):
"If it takes me 20 minutes and a lot of effort to have an orgasm then it's not really worth the trouble to me."
Unfortunately this is the way things are for most women. It is a lot easier for men to orgasm than it is for women. If she can't orgasm through sex and she's not willing to let you get her off in another way then I'm not too sure what else you can do. Maybe extra foreplay will help, but in my experience that only works combined with direct clitoral stimulation and she doesn't want to orgasm that way. So....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): Ask her what works to get her to orgasm during sex besides clitoral stimulation. Have her teach you what she wants.
My advice...Lots of foreplay.
Maybe get her to orgasm before you have sex. From what I hear, women are more sensitive after that and can achieve subsequent orgasms more easily.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013):
OP here:
The talk turned to previous lovers because when she had not had a climax after a couple of months I asked her if it was something she was capable of. That's when she told me that she was definitely capable and we figured we just needed to figure it out. However, we have not yet figured it out and I can tell she is getting less interested in trying to solve it. She still says she is ok if she never climaxes at all, but I can tell she is frustrated and she is less likely to want to have sex than she was. She told me: "If it takes me 20 minutes and a lot of effort to have an orgasm then it's not really worth the trouble to me."
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 December 2013):
 I'm curious as to how the conversation turned to comparison. Who brought up the subject of her past lovers, you or her?
One thing I'll say about you is - you impress me! For you to put this much effort into pleasing her makes you a keeper of high caliber in my book, at least sexually! Bravo to you, and my hats off to you!
AND...you should hold your head high, because you CAN give her an orgasm! Clitoral, vaginal, penetrative, sex toys, it's all good! You have the skill and the sense of adventure. Do NOT feel inept, because many guys either can't or don't care about giving their women pleasure.
Her problem is precisely that she compares, and she shouldn't. Every person is different, and just because you don't make her climax (I'm sorry, but I really hate the word 'cum', but that's just me) through penetration neither means that you're inferior NOR that you can't do it. Each woman is different, and each man is too. Don't feel inadequate!
And, I've never had an "unsatisfying" orgasm. There's no such thing, unless I'm interrupted during it. True sexual arousal starts in the brain, and that is her responsibility. She is "used to" the other sex the same way guys get used to their hand and suffer ED because they're too used to it.
If she has more experience and you haven't, then she should teach you. She should move the way she wants and teach you. You are a clean slate, so to speak, because your experience is her needs. Whatever you do, don't get discouraged. You DO make her get off, and the penis is only one tool out of many ways to please. Trust me. Don't feel inferior. If she wants more, she needs to show you AND she needs to not compare AND she needs to love the adventure of getting to know what pleases YOU too!
Again, I rarely get impressed on here, but you do impress me!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): Well…I have one thought. I don't know if you'll like it.
I'm going to guess that you are circumcised, because you said that sex gets irritating for her after a while, which happens more with circumcised guys because they don't have a foreskin to keep in lubrication.
Uncircumcised guys tend to move differently--more gliding and more contact of their pubic bone with their partner's clitoris, which is why, statistically speaking, women with intact men are more likely to orgasm during intercourse.
I know some people might think I'm trolling here, but there have been real studies published on this. If someone asks I'll find them and post the links here.
Anyway, orgasming through intercourse is difficult, if not impossible, for a lot of women. I personally don't like to talk about previous lovers with a new partner, I don't really understand why your GF did that, but oh well.
At this point--I would suggest that you try positions that let your shaft and pelvis grind against her clitoris whenever possible. That's what will make her orgasm. Try googling them :)
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (29 December 2013):
I'm guessing your girlfriend is talking about orgasming from penetrative sex itself? To be honest this has nothing to do with experience at all. Most women can't orgasm from sex alone and either oral or direct rubbing of the clitoris is the only way they can orgsasm.
This is how it is for me and I'd certainly never say it's 'unsatisfying'. Far from it in fact! You're doing well to be able to make her orgasm at all since most men either can't get the technique right or they don't bother to try/continue once they have orgasmed themselves. So it sounds to me like you are doing more than fine.
One thing I will say is that my first boyfriend could make me come through intercourse and that was because he had a bend in his penis that meant he hit me just at the right place internally. There was no skill involved there though, it was pure chance that it worked that way. So it's likely that something like this is why things are different with you. Also maybe the fact that she is putting you both under so much pressure to orgasm exactly how and when she wants, which is rarely how things work out unfortunately.
I have to say, it sounds as though she is very hard to please and is being a bit demanding about the whole thing. If she is able to orgasm every time through clitoral stimulation then she's doing a lot better than most women I know!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 December 2013):
 It would be simple the answer is just this: you have to listen to what she wants, give her oral, lots of foreplay, and of course emotional connection. Unfortunately reality is not that simple. I think internal orgasm is what you are talking about here. I won't even go into the theory that there's link between the G spot and the clitoris because some people say it's one or the other and others say without clitoral you don't get G spot orgasm.
Part of it is your anatomy and how they fit and part of it is sexual attraction towards each other. I would say the position easiest to achieve G spot orgasm is the jackhammer.
My ex husband was not able to make me cum but with his ex lover he was able to, every time effortlessly. That was 8 years ago and his performance was under average, for me.
I felt that your girlfriend had a rigid definition of what good sex is. Her ex left her an imprint of how sex should be, and when anyone else deviates from that standard she is dissatisfied. This is rather unfortunate. He spoiled her and built up her standard that most men won't measure up to.
Are you sexually incompatible. I would say yes. She is hard to please. Lack of experience? No. The only experience you need is a woman who's compatible with you.
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