A
male
age
41-50,
*ob5555
writes:I've been seeing this girl for about a year now. She told me about 6 months ago that she had been involved in a threesome. It'd happened about 15 years ago. It honestly didn't really bother me at all. I know girls experiment and everything and it was a long time ago. All the sudden though, last night she told me she had done it 2 more times after that. The whole situation was, her boyfriend (who she really liked) wanted to have a threesome with her and his best friend. So she did. Afterward she said she felt angry and sad that her boyfriend would give her up to someone else like that. That was the whole thing I heard and I seriously wasn't bothered by it. But, last night she told me more of the story and that he wanted to do it again with her so she did it again with the same two guys. Then, she said she was really despising her boyfriend at that point. She later went out with the friend and another friend of his and to piss him off, had a threesome with them. When he found out, he was angry as hell. When she told me this, I was pissed. She started crying and everything. I tried to hold back the mean things but I did let a few slip. I didn't call her names or anything though. Main thing I just said was that I was mad at her. When she asked me why all I could say was "How could you do that to yourself?" I told her I was glad she isn't that way now, cheered her up a little bit and that was pretty much all of it. I feel extremely judgmental and I hate it. I don't want this to bother me but it does. I don't really even know why. I don't think it's jealousy. I was perfectly fine with the threesome she originally told me about. Can someone explain why this is bothering me so much? I really wish it didn't. She's a great girl but I hate having this bother me in my head. I feel like I'm being really shallow.
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best friend, jealous, threesome Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 April 2013):
That would be a lot for me to handle. The truth is, the more you care about her, the more it will likely bother you. If it were me, Id cut my losses. Good luck to you.
A
male
reader, Calum  +, writes (16 April 2013):
It's a tough one brother. But it's not your place to judge. The fact that it bothers you shows you love her so concentrate on loving her. She hasn't changed from the person you fell in love with because you know this
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A
male
reader, Smart_Idiot +, writes (11 January 2013):
"A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): "I wish I was female. It would be nice to able to do whatever sexual things I want, and then expect nobody to hold it against me later if I change my mind about it. But I was born male. I get held responsible for everything I do including the stuff I am not proud of. It really sucks sometimes. "Yes I have has those thoughts as well. But it is not true. In fact aren't we doing just that - holding it against them. I am not trying to one-up you, I'm trying to help you and maybe the others here with this issue. We are not alone, and surely that has to count for something, right? Also, today I had somewhat of an epiphany. As far as any thoughts of thinking that your are less of a person because your partner had others before you, do this. I did this and it helped me see things a little more rationally. I made a list of all the other men in my life - my friends, family members, colleagues, etc. I made a list of their names. Then next to their names I noted whether their wives had had sexual partners before them. Just about all of them, with the exception of one, and perhaps two, had married women with a sexual past. Some of them it was easily beyond dispute, because they were actually raising children that were biologically someone else's, others it was highly probably because they met their wives later in life, some I knew based on things they had told me, whatever....you get the point.Then I thought. Do I think less of them? Do I judge them to be "less than"? Do they think about the things that I think about (answer: probably not).Anyway this helped me to see that I am not some kind of mumper on a dunghill, or inadequate conventionally speaking. Hell...how about this - Brad Pitt - we all know Angelina Jolie, and probaly most of these male sex symbols have partners who had other penises inside of them.Just a thought guys and/or gals.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): I wish I was female. It would be nice to able to do whatever sexual things I want, and then expect nobody to hold it against me later if I change my mind about it.
But I was born male. I get held responsible for everything I do including the stuff I am not proud of. It really sucks sometimes.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 January 2013):
 While I understand - and largely agree with - the "let it go" sentiment that several have posted.... I DO have this one caveat:
The description you gave of her and these several incidents would make me believe that she "uses" sex as a carrot AND as a stick in her relationships.... I suggest that you be alert to this aspect of her past and personality....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): She was taken advantage of by a selfish mean GUY! Don't blame her for that. She was young and wanted to be liked. Unfortunately probably most young women have at least one experience like this - the good thing is that it helps them recognise a nice guy even though he doesn't force himself on her. Bad thing is that sex is spoilt a bit for her, usually never to be repaired totally. No longer is ti really special because she did it with a pair of douchebags. Dont hold this against her, there is a lot more to love than sex. If you make her cry over this she will lose her trust in you to keep her safe from bad things!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): Her voluntarily experimenting didn't bother you. She didn't let herself be degraded by the description of the first time.
But her letting herself be used the second time, and then using herself after that just for revenge, bothered you a lot. She really cheapened herself the latter two times.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (1 January 2013):
 It's normal to not like hearing this.
Don't blame yourself for yor reaction. But now see if you can let it go.
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A
female
reader, KristinaMarchant +, writes (1 January 2013):
She told you because she is haunted by this. She doesn't understand how she let herself be used like this. When you said "How could you do that to yourself?" you made her feel so awful inside, you have no idea. It's like she came to you and said "I feel like a piece of crap" and you said, "how could you be such a piece of crap."Your anger was not anger at her. It was anger for her. You love her very much and you wish that she could have made stronger choices for herself. I bet that your mother or sister or some woman figure in your life makes some pretty weak choices with men and hearing your girlfriend say this enraged you for her and for your loved one, too. It could also be about you. Do you feel powerless in some way to someone? Do you let allow someone you love walk all over you? Maybe you were judging her because you judge the powerless side of yourself.Regardless of why you acted this way, if you love her, you need to fix this situation. If she's doing this kind of thing, she has a very weak sense of self and as a man who clearly is a wonderful person to even come online and write about this with worry, you have to help build her up.Tell her that you are so sorry. Say, "I feel so worried that I might have upset you with my reaction the other day. I know there was a reason you told me this and I want you to feel safe with me. I don't want you to think that I'm ashamed of you or that I judge you. Whatever I feel has everything to do with me and nothing to do with a judgment of you. I feel angry about this because I care about you, but I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to make your memories worse by adding more shame. I hope you understand."
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 January 2013):
 She wouldn't just tell you out of the blue, or to piss you off. Maybe she saw her ex recently and all the nasty memories came back and she has no one but you to confide in. She needed comfort so much that she didn't think the effect it has on you. What she needs to hear is that she is a grown mature woman. She doesn't need more judgment that she is damaged goods.
It is bothersome when we see young, naive, helpless people getting hurt or used. It doesn't matter if it's being dumb, or for the sake of keeping the love. We just don't like to see someone suffering. Both of you were like reliving the situation. You are sharing the burden of her hurtful feelings. The weakness of being human is hard to accept.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (1 January 2013):
 I don't think you're experiencing jealousy, bob, but sheer frustration that someone could be so bloody daft. I get it, she was 15 at the time, but I was 15 once too, as were you, as were millions of other people.
She was dumb for agreeing to more threesomes she didn't want. She was dumb for then going off to have yet another threesome with two different men to punish her boyfriend. And she was dumb for telling you about it again...and again...and again.
A whole lot of dumb happening here, bob, and I don't blame you for being angry with her. What you now know about her is she was a choatic nitwit. The question is, is she still one now? Or has she smartened up enough to make being with her worth your while?
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