A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently discovered that my girlfriend had sex with one of her best friends' brother in law a month or so before we met(we've been dating for several months... making the encounter not even a year old). She's an honest sort, so I believe her story: This best buddy's B-I-L was really interested in her. She wanted to feel something and found the guy to have many traits that she liked. After a few months of flirting and being coy, yet no specific dating, she initiated sex with him. And so it went. I'm not sure if they had any related encounters before or after that(lots of flirting and such though) just that sometime after that she informed him that she wasn't comftorable doing that anymore. That it was a one time thing. Upon this, he confessed his desire to be with er and she turned him down. She expressed to me that she'd like to remain friends with him in that he is her best bud's brother in law and a good guy(and I can appreciate those sentiments). Yet.... I'm not totally okay with this. And it bothers me that I'm not okay with it as much as the actual thing bothers me.So, this guy is a part of her best friend's life yet I feel uneasy with the idea of them intermingling. Especially after an encounter that was relatively recent. I know she was the one that initiated things and also the one that said no more. So, how am I supposed to feel about all this? Well, I want to feel confident and blessed enough to not care, because I have her as mine now.... yet am having trouble shaking this uncomftorable feeling of them interacting again. Not only this but the guy is probably a good guy and I don't want to feel any spite against him either. What are your thoughts? Anybody been in a similar situation? Am I wrong to feel this way? Any suggestions? Are my feelings unreasonable? Please do tell. Thanks y'all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I will do my best to move on. It's difficult dragging her past on with me. Hopefully it gets better with time.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): I agree with the others that eventually this will stop bothering you in the cheating sense.
But I do not agree that you will ever get over the fact that one of her male friends has slept with her.
Most guys don't ever get over it. They just stop talking about it and let the woman believe they got over it because it doesn't help to keep talking about it.
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A
female
reader, Hanox  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 The thing that you need to do, in my eyes.. Just look at her and think -'this girl is mine now, she turned him down, she's happy with me and I love her". My boyfriend does it all the time with me and it's hell. So just don't think too much into it, it may feel strange but trust her that it won't happen again and she is happy with you. It is not wrong for you to feel this way, but try and let it go and just be happy. You only live once. Just chill out, calm down. Accept it happened and move on, she's yours now, NOONE ELSES. It will ruin your relationship in the long run if you don't put the situation to bed now forever.Hope this helps. xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 To be honest there is nothing you can or should do other than sit back and accept it. If you feel uncomfortable you just need to try and fix that problem yourself, and get over it somehow. I believe in time, as you trust your girlfriend more (you recently became an item), this will be easier and you will look back at it and think what a waste of time it was to even worry about this.
If you trust your girl and know she wont do anything with this guy, and that she cares for you now, respects you, and wants YOU, and not him or anyone else.. then there's no issue. It could feel uncomfortable at first because you're not used to this situation, you never had to deal with it before, and you don't know what to do. But look at your options... the only thing you can do is either leave your girlfriend and break up, or accept that she will stay in contact with this guy at some level or the other. Just learn to not be jealous or possessive. Remember that just because you're with someone you don't own them.
And just so you know, it's not an identical situation, but I have a group of friends who have known each other and been friends for the past decade, and there's been several mixes and match ups in the group through the years. For example the guy I dated in high school is my current boyfriends best friend, and the girl my current boyfriend had a 4 year long crush on prior to falling in love with me is a friend of mine as well. We all get along. You learn to not be affected by it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I guess you just need to accept that this happened before she was even with you therefore you have no right to not want them to interact with each other now. It is normal that you feel slightly threatend that she has a friend that she was once with but am afraid you just need to accept it and try and forget about it. I know its easier said than done, but keep telling yourself that she is ours now and that she doesnt want him, also remember that she is your girlfriend she is very honest and that you should trust her that she would not cheat on you. You will soon slowely get over the fact that she was once with him and accept that he is only her friend. Goodluck.
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