A
male
age
36-40,
*ee jong
writes:Hi everyone its been so long since ive post to you wonderful people. This now me and my girlfriend have a 1 month old daughter we stay about 15 minutes from each other. The problem is i want her to come and visit me sometimes now and her mom is standing on my way saying the child is to young to visit. Even her father? What upsets me is we planned this that my gf will visit wit our daughter after 1 month, and now she stand with her mom not to come and visit. Her mom is too controling my gf is 28 yrs old but she cant make her own dicisions. I need your help what to do now cos i really love my child? Thanks a lot to those who will take time Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 so Lee Jong i do sincerely hope that you do get the opportunities to regularly see your child and the mother of your child. And I do hope you will not let obstacles stop you from seeing them.
My best wishes to you all,
Regards
Abella
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 July 2011):
clarification: whether it is 'domestic partner' or a formal state authorised 'civil union' or a tribal ceremony regarded as binding on a couple according to local custom, or bells and whistles religious 'marriage' ceremony I tend to call them all 'marriage'. Meaning no value judgment therein. So when I talk 'marriage', whether is is a man and a woman or two men or two women my meaning is the same.
For I am referring to a committed domestic permanent union where the couple share domestic decisions and responsibilities and where any children (or their pets) can all share meals, life, responsibilities and joys and even sadness together. Waking up together, enjoying weekends together, making meals together.
And where, if the couple are blessed with biological or adopted in children, the children too get to see their parents in happiness and harmony 24/7
So I wonder why if there is a child, (and maybe more to come?) and if the relationship was good enough to last from prior to conception of the child, through 9 months of pregnancy, and beyond the birth of the child, then why is this couple still not contemplating being together? why ?
That is not to put down the many single parents in this world.
After my husband died, while our child was still very young, I was a single parents for multiple years after that, and I know a parent alone can be a great parent, bringing up children alone and still doing one's best. But if the father still is alive, and cares enough about the child and the mother of his child and still wants to see both regularly, it is then thay I wonder why being together 24/7 is not being contemplated, in any form of a committed domestic living arrangement?? That's my meaning of a 'marriage' - a convenient word that covers my meaning in all guises of a committed loving domestic union together.
Just thought I would clarify, since it is not only a religious marriage that means what I was implying by using the word 'marriage' to cover all situations.
One even hears teens call themselves no longer 'single' since they have been seeing their love exclusively in a loving relationship for from 6 days or 6 months. I respect the concept, what ever 'model' they choose to use. And although it is not for me, I have even seen successful 'unions' that are even dis-similar to a union of just two people togther. I do not mean to imply any judgemental views for I consider I am tolerant of people choosing the arrangement that suits them.
Once one brings a child into the mix then I do hope the child is given the chance to regularly spend time with and see both parents who gave that child life as well as OR the parents who are committed to nurturing the child.
But creating a child and then CHOOSING or deciding or WISHING to NOT see the child regularly, to support them, to nurture the child, to help educate the child, is not what I would choose for me. As it would pain me deeply. But we are all different. If people can choose to NOT wish to regularly see the child they created, in the future, then they have a strength I do not have within me.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Abella, why are you so insistent on marriage? Its not the answer to everything! Especially if you are just marrying for the hell of it. Many parents provide their children a good home out of marriage.
OP DONT get married just to make others happy. The ONLY reason to get married is because you want to make a life long commitment to your partner. You can also be committed to your parter and child and not be married.
Does your girlfriend actually want to go stay with you? Surely if she actually did, she would just do it..
Also, if she is living with her mother, then she is living under her rules. If you guys want to go ahead and do something she doesn't approve of, then get your girlfriend and baby to move in with you.
I don't believe the baby is too young. Babies at that age don't know where they are. They are either feeding, sleeping, crying or staring curiously around. Any kind of routine established can be continued anywhere.
Do you have all the things at your house you need for a baby? Baby sleeper, baby bath etc? Its a lot to lug around from one place to the next..
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A
male
reader, Lee jong +, writes (4 July 2011):
Lee jong is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks. For moving together shes not ready so i m confused cos she said she love me so bad. I m thinking of break up, but i m not sure it wil b de best way i need plenty of help i can get please everyone and thanks
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (4 July 2011):
i would suggest you go to your girlfriends to see your daughter as a 1 month old baby needs routine also why don,t you ask your girlfriend too get a house together that way you can be a proper family and you can see your daughter as much as you want just a suggestion good luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Actually a one month baby is best left where it is and not shuttled back and forth if it's not unevitable. She also may have sleeping and breastfeeding routines that would be disrupted by this visit to you, and then it's mommy and grandma who have to contend with a cranky wailing baby.
Why can't you go visit her for the first few months ?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 July 2011):
Hi
Why can't you and your girl friend live together? Or marry? Surely your child deserves to grow up with her mother and her father 24/7.
Although the mother of your child is older that is no impediment to marrying.
Have you tried to approach her Mom and ask her Mom what she needs you to do before that Mom can respect you enough to trust you with her daughter?
Why did you allow the whole 9 months of pregnancy to pass without marrying the mother of your child?
I cannot imagine that a woman of 28 cannot make her own decisions. But her Mom may be supporting her to such an extent, perhaps even more than you are supporting the mother of your child and your child? If that is the case then the grandmother of the child may feel the need to protect the child from an occasional visit from the father? But if you were the marry the girl and be faithful to the girl and live with her in an exclusive relationship then I am sure the grandmother would be far more co-operative about your contact visits.
These are important things that impact on your child. Your child does not stop maturing every minute of the day. Surely if the child lives only 15 minutes away that you do visit the child daily to see the child at her grandmother's home?
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