A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a woman for about 18 months now. We have had mostly a long distance relationship as we live in different parts of the country, but we have survived long separations and are good about making efforts to see each other. She is planning to move to my city in the summer, although because she is in the entertainment business, she will be out of town for Oct and Nov, and then for the month of Feb. (A bit of background - when we got together, she had a boyfriend. She left her guy and stayed with me. I am a separated man with a teenage daughter.)She and her ex have a dog together, and when they split, he was adamant that he keep the dog. The dog is 4 years old, and has a problem with "reactivity". He can't be around other dogs because he becomes aggressive and highly stressed. He is also not trained very well. While I have enjoyed spending time with this dog, I have little emotional connection with him and question how my gal and her ex have raised him. I believe her constant out of town gigs have created an unstable environment for this dog, and training and therapy has been put on hold. We have made the step to move in together, and have been looking at places online in preparation. I have my daughter every other week, so this is a big adjustment for everyone - an adjustment we are willing to make.Here's the problem - the ex doesn't want the dog anymore, and she has taken on the responsibility. As well, she made this decision completely independently of me, and assumed I would be cool with it. The truth of the matter is I am not cool with it. The dog is very high maintenance, and I worry about her out of town work in the future as being not the best choice for the dog. I too work a lot out of town, and I question whether our lifestyle and work commitments will continue to make the dog reactive and unstable.I do love this woman - we have a great connection and are planning a future together. I would hate to break up because of the dog, but she won't look into any other options for him, other than keeping him. I have stated my concerns to her - the new plan is that she will still move here to be close to me, but find her own place with the dog. She is still pushing me to reconsider this plan - she says the ball is my court in regards to us moving in together. She wants to move in, but with the dog. I am struggling right now. My instinct is to say - "It's either me, or the dog." Is this an unfair thing to ask. I welcome some advice, and guidance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): Say that you're worried about the dog being there when your daughter comes over and say it's not fair on the dog as she's away a lot, so who will walk it as much as he needs.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 Yes,it is a bit unfair You wouldn't be exactly overjoyed if yr gf would say : it's either me, or your teenage daughter. A dog is not a kid, you'd say. Right. But obviously for your gf this dog is an object of love, a huge emotional investment, and anyway she accepted the committment and the responsibility to care about this dog ,even if in your opinion she was not very successful in that. Like you said, this is gonna be a big adjustment for both of you- then try to adjust as much as you can. You can't really ask your gf to get rid of what for her is like a family member just because the dog would cramp your style. Maybe alternate weekends with a teenager will cramp her style :)You say she's willing to move in your town and getting a place for herself and her dog. it may not be the best solution but as a temporary one is acceptable until you find a better solution. And after all,alas, dogs don't live forever...
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