A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've recently started dating a woman about 4 months ago. Things between us are fantastic. We get along amazingly and chemistry between us is definitely there. However, there's one thing I'm having a hard time admitting is a problem for me. Her child. It makes me feel terrible for even saying it. Her daughter is 15 months old and the crying all the time is making me go insane. My girlfriend spends the night about 3 days out of the week, and so during those mornings she's here, she cries her head off at about 7 am until someone comes and gets her. Which I know is normal. But I work nights and am in school, also. So I'm often up late studying, as well. So being woken up to a screaming child when I've only gotten a few hours of sleep already is not my idea of fun. That aside, her daughter is in the stage where she is literally either elated or the world is falling apart. And she bounces back and forth between those two emotions in the blink of an eye. One minute, she's as sweet as can be, then the next, she's falling on the floor kicking and screaming in an unstoppable tantrum from hell. I've been working really hard with my girlfriend to be consistent and discipline her to stop with the tantrums. And my gf does a good job of not reinforcing the terrible behaviors. It's not her fault. It's just the age her daughter is. I know. But I've found that it's getting me so frazzled and irritated that I'm beginning to take it out on my gf and she doesn't deserve any of it. For example, we went to the doctors office yesterday and wound up having to wait for a long time to be seen. Her daughter had multiple, multiple meltdowns in those handful of hours, in front of tons of strangers. I was mortified. I eventually had to just take the kid outside and let her scream until she fell asleep in the car and my gf sat inside by herself. After we left, both of our nerves were shot. What can I do? Is this kid going to grow out of this any time soon? Or is it going to be years and years before she stops this? I'm not trying to be insensitive. It's just hard sometimes to deal with even when it is your own flesh and blood, let alone when it's not. Any advice? I don't want to take my frustrations out on my gf. It's not her fault. Am I just not cut out for this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2015):
 I agree with Honeypie.
I have had two children the oldest is special needs and was very colicky and had lots of issues. but his melt downs were rather controllable.
I do think that part of the issue may stem from the child being schlepped around to and fro.
IF you and gf want to make this work why are you not going to HER house so that her child can have stability and structure. I am 54 years old and when we go away and I'm not at home I'm cranky. I Like my things just so and perhaps this is the case for your gf's child?
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (19 February 2015):
 OP, it wasn't necessity. Necessity is no reason to rush a relationship, especially when a child is involved. The mother could have hired a babysitter once a week, spent a few hours on dates with you or making out at your place, but it wasn't sensible for either of you (particularly the mother, who should have known better) to bring the baby into this so much, so soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the advice. Just a quick fyi, I'm a girl, not a guy. Lol. But thanks to those not making me feel terrible or some awful person for having my nerves shot. I'm only human and juggle a lot in my life. And screaming children physiologically make your blood pressure raise. I think the stability thing is a great idea. She's getting her own place again in about a week. That should change this situation. She moved in with her mom to help her out and so I don't go over there, as there's not enough sleeping arrangements - only one bed and gf already sleeps on the couch. So she comes here out of necessity. Anyway, she's got a new place lined up so stability hopefully will change this. Thanks again for the responses.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): I think the mom should stay home more then gradually bring her over your house.She could be acting out because of the different scenery who knows!I have three of my own they didn't act like this?? wish you all well
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 February 2015):
 Yeah, she shouldn't be dragging the kid for 4 nights per week to a new guy's house (4 months is way too soon). No wonder she's freaking out! That's no kind of stability.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (19 February 2015):
They don't live together, WiseOwlE; they're just having way too many sleepovers at the OP's place :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): Step back a bit from this.
I'm not sure that you are ready for this. I looked after my nephew who was less than a year old and I did not feel the way you do.
The kid is being a kid.
This kid is going to remain her child for life and each age comes with it's own growing pains. And you will have to let your gf be a mother first and girlfriend second.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): Not everyone is cutout to be a parent. I have to let you know, depending on the personality of the child; there is no telling when the tantrums will stop. You just learn how to tame the child's moods and teach her how to behave when in public. She also needs a few time-out sessions and to just let her cry until she tires of herself. She is a moody child, and she has learned to manipulate and rule with noise and bad behavior. Remove her from the room and take her to a bathroom or the car when in public. Take her to her crib, and turn on soft music until she gets sleepy. Most cry, because they're cranky and tired. Check her for fever. Some actually get a fever from a tantrum.
A cool washcloth to the face often calms them. When she is older and you can communicate better with words, she can better tell you what's wrong. Right now, she is a little spoiled; and your girlfriend may have coddled her too much when she was unable to walk. All she had to do was cry, and mommy was there like a shot. She's a first and only child. I'm almost an expert on these things.
She is approaching what they call the "terrible two's."
She will have more of a personality, have a larger vocabulary, and will be very very curious. So prepare!
If not for the stress of school and the lack of sleep; you'd handle it better. You have no true emotional-attachment to the child; so her behavior is more of an annoyance to you than it is to a parent, or someone who likes children. Yes, parents get very tired and exhausted dealing with it; but love tempers their frustration with the child. There is the other end of the spectrum. Some get so angry they almost become abusive. It's a very fine line. So remind yourself that she's just a child, and she's going through a phase. I have a lot of patience with children; it's grown-up tantrums and uncontrollable crying that is harder to deal with.
Since you have not bonded with the child emotionally; perhaps you may need to stay with a family member during exam time. The pressure is getting to you. She's only 15 months old!!! It's normal!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 February 2015):
 I have 3 kids, none of them threw tantrums like you describe. My oldest though was colic and it was hard to deal with the lack of sleep and the crying (on and off from 3 pm til 7 pm) - but thankfully she outgrew the colic and was an easy kid after that... but it lasted from she was 3 months till she was almost 18 months...
My second baby was as mellow as can be. Easy as pie. And my 3rd almost as easy as #2.
I think the baby is having some adjustment problems, maybe it DOES stem from being schlepped back and forth like that. What she needs MORE then anything is STABILITY and a SCHEDULE. Which means, same wake up time, same bed, nap, feed, play time and so forth. STRUCTURE. And THAT is her mom's job. Toddlers can have meltdowns, because they are tired, dirty nappy (diaper), hungry, scared or being ignored. Plus MANY kids hit a period around 12 months where they are VERY mommy-sick and clingy. It usually coincide with them becoming more mobile. So that can be part of the issue too. However, a 15 month of having a temper? NOT at all strange or abnormal.
I DO think you two need to consider cutting the sleep-overs at your place. LET mom get a routine down with the kiddo, and then YOU can stay with them. That also gives you an "exit strategy" for when it becomes too much for you. And honestly, I DO NOT blame you. If I had had family closer by with #1 (they were 8 hours by plane....) I would occasionally have dropped her off so I could get some sleep. Walking around like some sleep depraved zombie is a miserable existence. Given that you juggle BOTH work and school means you REALLY need your sleep.
If you really like this girl, step back a little. Make sure she knows why.
The whole mom & baby = instant family... only works on TV.
And like you said your nerves are shot, HER nerves are shot - which would be YET another thing baby is reacting too. Babies are smart, they sense stuff - they may not comprehend on the same level as an older child/adult - but trust me they sense WAY more then you may be aware off.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (19 February 2015):
Should have clarified that I meant that I don't think you're cut out for this situation. You don't seem patient enough to deal with the baby's behaviours, but mostly because she shouldn't really have introduced you to baby yet, let alone be staying at your place with her. This means your girlfriend needs to stay at yours much less than she is now - I'd even go as far as to say once a week is too much. Once a fortnight should be okay, *if* she can get her family to cover the night shift each time; she shouldn't be bringing her baby to yours yet, especially overnight.
I think this relationship has been rushed - a lot. You can't date a single parent the same way you'd date someone who didn't have kids.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): It is a difiult age and more to come. I dont really understand your girfriend. . Why Is she spending nights at your house with such a small child and also a screamer. Not all children are screamers,but this child is. Why is she taking a child to your house, you only dating 4 months???
Where is the father of the child? Does he take her for weekends or at least some days a week?
I wouldn't expose my small child to a new guy, honestly. It's not fair to the child nor to you. It's a very new relationship, and to deal with a child is difficult as it is when it's yours but when it's not yours and relationship is so new it must be exhausting.
You guys really can't go on like this. You need to find ways of just meeting on a certain days when she can have a babysitter, or may be you can help paying her for one. Or may be you can come to her house and leave late at night and go home to have a good night sleep.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 February 2015):
I'm really glad you wrote in here! There are guys in positions like yours...boyfriends to women who have children who seem inconsolable at times or have behavioral issues, and they choose to take it out on the child to the point of abuse or worse.
Your relationship is new as well, and if I were her, I wouldn't have introduced her child to you so soon, much less expect you to help take care of her after only 4 months worth of dating. That's not right, and it's not smart either.
You need a break for starters. Take a week off or two to get some rest, and if there are exams to study for, don't schedule her to be with you 4 days per week. And why is she at your house that much anyways? It almost seems like she's using you for child care. Where is the baby's father and why isn't he helping to care for this child?
Don't have her spend the night so much, OR go to her place so you can go home later! Being a boyfriend doesn't mean that she can live with you and get free child care from you, especially since you're neither ready nor equipped to be a father-figure. It's irresponsible of her to pass that along in an only 4-month relationship. I'm not saying that YOU are dangerous, but that is a dangerous thing to do. If you had less self-control, you could have hurt the baby when she cries or tantrums. You see that in the news a lot - shaken baby syndrome or abuse because the kid is "inconsolable" or showing "insolence" or whatever an immature person perceives as the trigger for the abuse.
Take a step back from this relationship...take time off. Tell her you need to have some space for a week or 2.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (18 February 2015):
"This kid"? No, you're not cut out for it.
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