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age
41-50,
*ammin75
writes:I have been seeing my partner for almost 2 years, and our conversation is now turning to moving in together. We both have our own houses and the plan is that I will move in hers and rent mine out. Decision based in part on her work commute, I work remotely so unaffected. We are both comfortable with this living decision.The problem is my girlfriend’s brother still lives with her. If not for this fact I think we’d be moving in-together within months. He’s much younger, but not a child, he’s 30! He’s been living there for 4 years, which I don’t think has been much of an issue when my girlfriend was single and not in a serious relationship.I have made it clear that I don’t want to share a house with her brother, plus 50% of the week his partner stays there too. And I have said isn’t it time he got launched into adulthood by now anyway?She spoke with him and told him our plans and has given him 18-months to save up for own place. (IMO 18 months is ridiculous, but whatever). In the 2 months since being told this he is still eating out virtually every night, out every weekend, booking holidays. When my gf stays at mine neighbours have told me that he has friends round until 7am partying. In other words, taking the piss! I really don’t think he’s taking it seriously. I just feel massively frustrated by all this, perhaps in part because I’ve always taken responsibility for my life and partly because he just gets treated like a baby - gf washes his clothes, does all the cleaning. The only thing he ever does is occasionally cook. He has apparently a well paid job, so he says, personally I think the kid is a bit of an “inventing Anna”. And now, he’s just got engaged and wants to plan a big wedding. Errr, how about finding a place to live first, pal?? (Still hasn’t got money to buy the actual engagement ring yet, laughable).I’m getting to the point of losing my cool and just saying, are you all clowns? Can you not see he’s taking the piss here?? And just forgetting the whole relationship. I do know that that is an immature response though. When I’ve asked my girlfriend what firm plans has he made to hit this deadline, and also isn’t 18 months too long? She thinks I’m being unfair. Give me some sage advice please because I’m just getting annoyed at the whole situation so need clarity. Thanks
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female
reader, nananette56  +, writes (14 April 2022):
I agree with you completely. They guy needs to grow up. My son is living in a situation with his fiancé's brother living with them and he has for years. Some guys never grow up or they just want a free ride.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2022): I've somewhat had my fill of this particular post, but I'll say one last thing. It turned-out as I've expected.
As I've said before, advice here at DC is free. You can take it or leave it. I don't need ratings or followers; and what doesn't benefit one OP, may be of some use to other readers.
Yours it but a topic of discussion; and we respond according to opinion. The opinions and different perspectives you receive the better. That's all it is opinion.
It always benefits us to use advice according to our needs, not find ways to insult the person who offers it to you. Store it for use at another time. Advice doesn't always come sugar-coated with a bow. Sometimes you have to see the unpleasant perspective in order to have a more objective and wider perception of things. You criticized the brother, but didn't take being criticized very well. I can take whatever an OP can dish-out, I don't take it personally. You have your opinion, and I have mine. It's an open forum. Ignore whatever you feel doesn't help you.
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 April 2022):
 I'm seriously worried about the coownership lie. It is a very good thing that your gF and his Fiancé' had that chat. It could leave him in a heap of trouble, but I have little sympathy. When ytou hang your hopes on a big lie, sooner or later the bubble pops.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 April 2022):
 Good for you to have had the chat with her and perhaps "making" her see why you felt it wasn't realistic. I get why she got upset, I'm sure she has a lot more faith in her brother, but I think she needed to hear that. Also, imagine the Brother's GF wanting HIM to buy out his sister since he "co-owns" the house?! So THEY can live there...
Yeah, I hope she has opened her eyes a little and maybe taken a hard look at Brother and reality.
While it didn't really sort anything out here and now, maybe it helped you both in getting better at communicating. Not all conversations are going to be pleasant. You two are not going to agree on everything or go about things in the same manner.
Good luck, OP
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reader, Jammin75 +, writes (11 April 2022):
Jammin75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, for anymore interested in the conclusion. Ina nutshell….
I explained my concerns about the situation, that our plan was beholden on her brother being in a position to get his own place, and my apprehension around this, given that he is showing no signs of taking it serious and putting money away.
It did not go well. She got quite upset, which made me feel rotten. She said that if he doesn’t, either way, come next summer she was turfing him out. I did nicely point out that did she really think that she was capable of doing that? Let’s say worse case scenario, and he doesn’t even have money for a rental deposit let alone deposit for a mortgage (the latter, not a cat in hell’s chance, property prices have soared in the U.K., he’d need 10s of thousands). Would she really sling him out to sofa surf?? And if she did, wouldn’t that mar what should be a happy experience for us because try as she might she would feel incredibly guilty.
In the end she accepted my position, which was is I’m putting the plan on hold because it was making me too wound up, and actually at the end of the day how they live and what her brother does had nothing to do with me.
We did go on to have a lovely weekend, once we’d got that chat out of the way. She did keep saying…when we will live together… about things and doing a little smile, which I replied with I told you it’s not happening. I think she’s hoping I’ll relent. She did she was going to make it crystal clear to her brother that she was serious, and that by next summer he has to be out in his own place. Either way, if that happens or not I sort of feel relieved now I’ve made up my mind that I just need to step away from being annoyed because it doesn’t concern me.
(Oh a new piece of information came to light, apparently his girlfriend thinks he co-owns the house and has a mortgage on it. My girlfriend discovered that after chatting with her, and set her straight. All a bit strange, assuming he may have been embarrassed and making out he owns it too…or worse, he really has racked up debts which would be exposed should he apply for a mortgage…or is pretending he has more money than he actually does, but drat (!) already having a mortgage means they have to wait).
Thanks very much for all your help in letting me see this much more clearly.
If a year from now he is starting to look for places for an imminent move, who knows, perhaps we can talk again about living together. Presently though, I’ve taken that step out of my thoughts. Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2022): The problem is not the brother it is the sister's willingness to pander to him and baby him forever. That is a huge red flag to me. She either cannot see that in the long run she is making him more and more immature by enabling him or she does not care because of what she gets out of it herself.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and throw little birds out of the nest so that they fly. If she cannot see that I am sorry but she would not be for me, she is either not very bright or not very responsible towards the brother she purports to love so much. If she can be like that about him what else will she be ignorant and clueless about?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2022): It just seems to me she's holding all the cards, but the brother is catching all the flack. Yes, he has to be pretty immature to not have his own place, and yet be engaged. I mean, you'd think someone at the age of 30, coming from a privileged family, would at least have an Ivy League education; and quite a few connections to give him a leg-up in life. Supposedly he has a good job, shouldn't he want his own bachelor pad to live the life of a proverbial playboy? Seems he and his sister maintain a family-bond to sustain each-other in spite of whatever weaknesses, flaws, or insufficiencies they have. Them against the world. It could be blamed on parents who probably pampered and spoiled the son; and she was left to maintain the family tradition of looking-out for the precious barer of the family name.
He's who he is, but she enables him to be who he is. I can only speculate it probably started with his parents. Whatever flaws and weaknesses he and his sister share, they've grown co-dependent; and are apparently taking care of each-other.
Maybe she's insecure in the relationship (or has trust issues) for whatever reason; and at the same time, she's overprotective of her brother. He has been passed-down from her parents for her safe-keeping; and from what I'm reading in your posts OP; she is the one who is hindering the progress in her relationship, not the brother. He probably stands to inherit a major part of their family wealth, if there is any. If that is the case, he sees little reason to grow-up. Sis takes care of him.
Let's see what fruit this talk will bear. When and if the brother decides to move on, I hope the relationship is worth it. She may have some reservations for reasons none of us here are aware of. She doesn't get to tell her side of this, nor does the brother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2022): Can you not see that not only is eighteen months ludicrous. But it will never ever happen. He has no intention of saving up and moving out and never will. When the eighteen months is up there will be excuses why he needs longer and so on and so on.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2022):
Let us know how the chat goes.
I hope she will realize that she is babying her Brother and that isn't helping him, her, OR the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2022): People don't live to be 30 and still living at home by accident. It is a mixture of cunning, selfishness, immaturity, meanness, wanting an easy life and having people around be happy to cushion them from the normal bad bits of being an adult. Parents often allow their kids to live with them because they hate the idea of living alone or only with their mother or father - loneliness, empty nest - so they make it easy for their kids to have this easy life where they pay most or all of the bills, give them a nice home to live in, cook, clean, clear up and all the rest, it is the price they are happy to pay to have them there. In the process they turn this younger person into a nothing, a lazy nothing, who would never be able to get and keep a worthwhile girlfriend or get a wife because he is incapable of taking care of himself let alone someone else. An adult baby.
The enablers have every reason to continue with this because they get something in return for allowing and training their off spring to be so lazy and immature, but you come along and there is nothing in it for you, quite the opposite, huge negatives in your case. They won't understand this because they get a lot out of it and you see things from your point of view not theirs.
Eighteen months is ridiculous - especially if this is simply about finding somewhere to rent rather than buy. Going out spending like money grows on trees is ridiculous too if saving up.
The thing is that you are trying to forge a bond with the sister and she has to choose which she thinks is more important to her. If she is choosing him that is her choice but do not blame him over it, blame her.
And dont be surprised that an immature guy has an immature sister, the two tend to go together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2022): P.S.
Use more diplomacy. You'd score more points if it doesn't look as if you're kicking her brother out; or making her choose between the two of you. You've got something to prove; which is the purpose of moving-in together to test your compatibility and getting to know each-other even better. If she hasn't developed enough trust in you, too much pressure might put her on the defensive; and you'd be out-voted in any case.
The advice is free. Take it or leave it! Someone else in a similar situation may find it useful if you don't.
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reader, Jammin75 +, writes (7 April 2022):
Jammin75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also see a few options after our conversation.She1. Says ok if that’s your decision, and is secretly relieved. 2. Says ok, is disappointed but still doesn’t make it clear to him. In which case would in my opinion anyway, haha, be madness to sacrifice what she says are her desires and plans for our future together for the sake of giving him some tough love. 3. Thinks you know what you’re right, I’m not jeopardising our future, he needs to get his act together and I’m going to sit down with him for a talk and see what plans he making.
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reader, Jammin75 +, writes (6 April 2022):
Jammin75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe trouble I have with your advice WO, is you make far too many negative assumptions about the sincerity of the explanation of the situation, completely unfounded. The decision to move in together has not been pushed by me, but an agreement stemming from a joint we’re really great together, this could be really great type of conversation. Two way. 18 months was set as a time to allow her brother to move out. And remember, she favours us living in her house, I’m not bullying my way in, in fact it would be far easier on me for her to move to my house, no changing of address etc… so let’s be clear on that. Yes, I do think 18 months is generous but let’s also be clear that whilst I’m not overly keen I accepted that. What I am taking umbrage with now, is 2 months down the line her brother is showing no impetus whatsoever of using this time to save to get his own place, and if he doesn’t what happens? A year from now we’re in a position where he may need more time?? Unacceptable. My point is unless he has a clear plan in place, and actually puts some money away, it’s all pie in the sky. Of course it could also be a very convenient safety net for my gf to give a life line to hold out. Of course it could. But that would be odd, because if she said look honestly I love my living arrangement and I don’t want us to live together I would have no issue. Or if I did it’s my decision to then decide to continue the relationship or not. I have issue that we have this time scale set and mr 30 year old going on 13 will at the grand old age of 33 still not have got his act together. I wouldn’t want her to boot him out, and she wouldn’t do that. What I’m frustrated with is her reluctance to tell him to get his bloody act together now, he’s old enough. Let’s remember he’s hoping to be a married man too next yearAnd before you say again, well, you haven’t proposed, we have had that discussion she has never been married and doesn’t wish to be, nor me to be fair.She has had her fair moans about him needing to move out long before we ever even thought about moving in. But never addressed it with him, and actually I told her to stop telling me about it because she enabled his behaviour so unless she did something about it with him, then to quit telling me. I came here for advice because my growing frustration was clouding my judgement. The other advice I have received, has actually helped, and this weekend we’ll have a chat and I’ll explain that it’s just never going to happen, because the kid really doesn’t think she means a hard deadline of 18 months, and I’m not pinning my future on that so to put all thoughts of living together on ice
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2022): Giving it a little more thought, I think she's using her brother as an excuse or a buffer. I don't think she really wants to live together yet; so because of her own uncertainty (or insecurity) about the relationship, she wants to keep him around. It could be because she feels safer with a backup around when you both disagree. She knows he's immature and rowdy; but it makes no sense that she would allow anyone or anything to interfere with her relationship, especially knowing you aren't comfortable having him there. Maybe she has a bit of immaturity going-on as well.
I think she's hoping you'll change your mind, or postpone it for awhile. I don't think she's ready, and may enjoy having her brother around; because they take care of each-other. She's unsure of you, but at least he's family and she knows what to expect of him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2022): "Don’t understand your misplaced anger? Have you failed to launch into adulthood too and I hit a nerve?"
Cute clapback, but I'm not here for ratings or followers. I stand by my answers. You seem to feel you have a right to criticize her brother, so what's the difference? She gave him 18 months to find a place. I guess no matter what we say, that's the deal.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 April 2022):
Actually, OP
I really enjoy all the updates, it gives a better perspective of what is going on. So never feel that you shouldn't do that! It's great.
One thing I have learned in my long-ish marriage (we are at 25 years this year) is that being able to compromise is vital. You will NOT agree on everything, it's simply impossible. But you HAVE to have some common goals, definitely share values and morals.
As for: "I did want to reply with “why don’t you just ask mummy if you can have a sleep over?”. I didn’t have of course, I just said no, I have things to do, just ask her if you can have friends round."
I totally get the snark, and honestly? Maybe he needs to hear it? He sounds very immature. He is 30! and tries to have parties at his sister's house behind her back? Yikes.
I think having the patience to tell her "let's revisit this in 6 months" is a mature way of looking at the situation. I get that there isn't ACTUALLY a hurry to live together if things work well with you two.
Just remember that SHE CAN NOT change her Brother. She CAN NOT "make him" want to grow up and be independent. For him, life is easy. If he doesn't have the money for rent, Sis is not going to kick him to the curb. He has someone take care of him, and carry him.
And it seems like Brother is dating someone rather/fairly young too? If she is still living with her parents? That makes total sense too, as he seems VERY immature for a 30 year old.
What it comes down to though, DOES she REALLY want to move to the level of living together with you, or is the Brother more of an "excuse" as to why she can't right now, instead of the reason why? Is she dragging her feet? Or does she really think her Brother is a small child that needs to be babied so HER life and future are less important?
One thing I would point out to her, if I could talk to her. Is that she is NOT doing her Brother any real service by cleaning up after him, doing his laundry, and generally BABYING him.
HE needs to learn those life skills NOW. He should have learned those in his late teens!
My middle daughter lives 3 hours away at Uni. At the beginning of the school year, the Freshmen living in the Dorms had classes on HOW to do laundry and HOW to use a vacuum and a mop. I nearly died laughing. These "kids" at 18+!! And then I remembered that lots of people don't teach their kids these skills, they don't give them chores. Mom does everything. Especially for the "boys". Guess what? MOST of the boys living in the dorms pack up their dirty laundry and bring it home to mommy! Because it's just easier than doing it themselves.
The point of that story is, that these guys will be dependent on a GF or mommy to do these kinds of SIMPLE tasks. Not because they aren't capable of doing it, but because they get away with not HAVING to do them. It's just not a good look!
My husband does his own laundry. Why, you may ask? Because he couldn't be arsed to put the dirty clothes in the hamper. He would just toss it on the floor and think it would magically wash, clean, and put itself in the drawers. I got tired of picking up after him. If the kids (they were all small at the time) could put dirty clothes in a hamper, so could a grown man. So I told him, if you can not put it in the hamper, I will not wash it. I should NOT have to pick up your dirty clothes when there is a hamper 10 feet away. And I stopped picking up, I stopped washing it. That was 20 years ago. He still doesn't hit the hamper, he still does his own laundry. Fair is fair.
I hope you two can talk it out and find a compromise that works for the two of you.
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reader, Jammin75 +, writes (6 April 2022):
Jammin75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, another response. HP you wondered about upbringing and parents. He has had a very loving upbringing, privileged even, parents currently live abroad. Why does my gf feel the need to look after him? I think partly the age gap of 14 years, I think she must feel like a sister/mum hybrid. I get that I have two siblings much younger too and feel incredibly protective of them, and have a different relationship with them than my older sister. You’ve watched them grow up, babysat them etc.. however, I would not enable them in the way my gf does with her brother. I don’t think it’s healthy or helpful for all concerned. As I said though I have always been incredibly independent, this is by no means a cue for violins but my dad passed suddenly when I was teenager, my mum had my 2 younger siblings, one a baby, and from that point something inside changed. I stepped up to be a man, look after myself and make my own money, no more asking for pocket money because my mum needed that for the babies. The point of me saying this is I am aware that I lack tolerance for people who don’t accept responsibility for their lives and expect things handed to them.
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reader, Jammin75 +, writes (6 April 2022):
Jammin75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo add, the 18 months deadline was given as a fair time for him to save a deposit to buy, rather than rent. His gf does not have her own place, lives with parents, and pays them rent.. in my head I’m thinking…wellll if you both pay rent now, still paying rent in your own place is no different?? Your ability to save would be the same. What would be different? I suspect neither are truly paying 50% of bills, plus have the benefit of all chores done for them.
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reader, Jammin75 +, writes (6 April 2022):
Jammin75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, anon. You are absolutely right in identifying that I am so frustrated at my lack at being to exert any control over this situation, haha. Just to clarify folks, it was a joint discussion to move things to the next level, we get along famously, there was no coercion from me. However looking at the situation it just cannot happen. There is no commitment from her brother that he’s takes this (now 16 months) time frame to move seriously.
I’ve absorbed bits of advice from the helpful replies, and have concluded that yes, I do not like or accept the terms given, I’m not willing to sit in standby mode for my future to hang in the balance of a less than tenuous plan. So, this weekend we will talk and I’ll explain that planning to move in together is just not an option right now. That leaves me a cracking relationship, on a casual basis. If I find a year, 6 months from now, whatever, that I need a more concrete relationship…well, that’s a whole new melon scratcher and no doubt one I’ll come seeking advice for, haha.
(Ps. Her brother text me last night, could she come to mine on Friday instead of Saturday because he wants friends round for a party. But don’t tell her I want a party. I had to laugh. I did want to reply with “why don’t you just ask mummy if you can have a sleep over?”. I didn’t have of course, I just said no, I have things to do, just ask her if you can have friends round. Somewhat amusing given the timing :))
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reader, Jammin75 +, writes (5 April 2022):
Jammin75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo add WO, presuming I would mooch off her…you are very wide off the mark, my integrity is the exact opposite of that. I care not also whether her brother ever buys an engagement ring, my point is he can’t even commit to buying that before he pisses all his money up the wall.
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reader, Jammin75 +, writes (5 April 2022):
Jammin75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFA, HP. Top notch advice and what I needed to hear. I knew why thought processes about it all were getting immature. You’re right I do not like the terms, at all. Let me re-read your responses and mull.
WO, sorry for the low rating but your advice was not that helpful. My reasons given for moving in her place are true and valid. Yes, I could sell my house, I’ve had it ages and virtually mortgage free, but we decided renting would be a better decision. She could move in with me, but it would add wayyy over an hour commute each way during rush hour. Plus, it was my gf that said he would need to move out, I did say well yes, after living by myself I would not want to live in essentially a shared house, with her brother and gf there. I just wouldn’t. Don’t understand your misplaced anger? Have you failed to launch into adulthood too and I hit a nerve?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2022): Excuse me?!!
Why didn't you offer for your girlfriend to come live with you, and rent to her brother? He has a good job, you say? Then I guess he can pay rent, as he probably has for the past 4 years! You claim it's your girlfriend's commute that is the deciding factor. We'll take your word for that. You could be saying that for the sake of argument and justification. Considering there's no-way to verify if that's the reason you're moving-in with her, and leaving your own place...while you think it's her brother who should be moving out. You're not engaged or married yet!
BTW, if he is engaged, when he should purchase a ring is none of your business. That's between him and his fiancé. It must be a fine living-arrangement, since his sister has endured it longer than she has known you! His age has nothing to do with anything, as far as you're concerned. She received the benefit of knowing her tenant; and having a reliable source of additional revenue to help cover living-expenses. In any case, she would have kicked him out, if she felt it was necessary; without any input or coaxing from you! It's her house! He's her brother for life!!! Only time will tell how long you'll be in her life. You're a boyfriend. You're testing whether or not you could live together as a couple; with the intent to evict her brother during the test-period.
Oh, really?!!
So...when will you be proposing? You seem to take a lot of liberties upon yourself, deciding whom should live where!
You can go ahead and give him a piece of your mind; but he has squatter's rights...he's already there, and you're the one deciding to move-in, in spite of all existing circumstances. It's his sister's call in any case.
The remedy is easy-peasy. Let her move-in with you, and rent to the brother. It will keep the peace. What the neighbors say or think is irrelevant. What are they reporting to you for? They should mind their own business as well; or contact the police if they think he's disturbing the peace. What's it to you?
Better yet, why don't you stay put? She didn't complain about the previous arrangement; it's your idea to upset the apple cart! Now you're creating an issue with her brother? Maybe he's not the easy pushover that will just let you decide where he lives, and when he should buy an engagement ring.
Go ahead, and confront him! I wish I could be a fly on the wall when that happens! You are sooooo wrong, in soooo many ways! To say you're quite presumptuous is putting it mildly, sir!
I guess, the next 18 months is the test whether you'll outlast the generous deadline she offered him to find his own place. Will you still be around that long? Like...you could sell your house, mooch off her for awhile. Pocket all the profit from the sale; and still have a place to live.
Give a shout-out to her brother for me! He hasn't done anything wrong in this situation.
Your girlfriend thinks you're being unfair. Let her know that I think so too!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2022): It looks as if the brother isn't going anywhere anytime soon and you can't make him. Your girlfriend sounds as if she doesn't want to make him either, for whatever reason and although I understand your frustration towards them both for things not going the way you want them to, you can't control this situation. You're dying to control it and you are absolutely furious that you can't.
You have two choices. Accept the brother will be a part of your girlfriend's and ergo, your life for much longer than you anticipated and so accept the situation, or tell your girlfriend that this is untenable for you and so you're leaving. Have a talk with her. Tell her you want to move things to the next level, but you can't with her brother living there. See what she says, because if things continue as they are, I can't see you being able to carry on with this relationship.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 April 2022):
I think FA hit ALL the important points.
You do NOT have an issue with the Brother, you are NOT dating the Brother.
SHE is being wishy-washy with her Brother and babying him because it GIVES her another 18 months to NOT move in with you.
IF she REALLY wanted to live with you, she would give him a month or two to find a RENTAL (he doesn't NEED to save up for his own house just yet, nor does he need to save up for a house on HER dime, aka while living with her).
HE has a GF! And she ALSO stays over, does that mean SHE doesn't have a place of her own either? Because it would make sense for Brother to move in with his now FIANCE and save up WITH her for wedding and house THERE. But no, by living with his sister, he gets a live-in maid/mommy and can spend a shit-ton of "fun money" and mooch of sister.
"He has apparently a well paid job, so he says,"
Yeah, Nah probably not as well paid as he claims. And he is definitely NOT looking to save up for the future either.
Your GF gets something out of having Brother live there rather than you. What exactly that is is hard to say. Partly it seems (to both FA and myself) it's a GREAT excuse to NOT move in with YOU any time soon. And that goal post of 18 months can be moved and moved in perpetuity IF you let it.
Partly (I'm guessing) because she feels responsible for him - if their parents are passed away, were abusive or they kicked him out for him to sink or swim. SHE got to be his "savior" and he took full-on advantage.
There is a dynamic with Brother that you are not a part of. And while I can appreciate some grown siblings helping each other and wanting to spend time together, this seems co-dependant in an unhealthy manner.
Regardless of WHY, SHE has made this choice.
FA put it so succinctly:
"If your term is that you will not share a house with her brother, then stop sleeping there. If your term is that you will not be second place in her life, then stop being in her life."
Yep, to all that.
With all that said, it's HER house, HER choice. At least she is a somewhat independent woman.
I would sit her down and tell her that you are disappointed to be her last priority (living together) but that YOU can not "make" her do anything she doesn't want to. You can not change her OR her Brother.
This is what SHE wants. To let Brother "mooch" another 18+ months and leave you in standby mode.
Wanna bet if she needed you to move in for financial reasons it would take her 18 minutes to kick Brother out and move you in?
The Brother has had 4 YEARS! of living with her to save up for his own place and has nothing to show for it. If he can't even afford an engagement ring but can go on holiday, he is spending money as fast as he can make it, or he has debt his sister doesn't know about.
I would NOT give her an ultimatum. Ultimatums breed resentment and cause drama. Instead, I would accept that SHE isn't willing to let go of her Brother and let him be an adult. This means, "taking care of" Brother will ALWAYS be her top priority. Over having her own house, her own life, and starting a family of her own.
Maybe you need to take a good long look at the relationship and figure out if this is really going to work out.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 April 2022):
Your girlfriend of less than 2 years, wants to wait 1.5 years more to move in together. That sounds like she is not interested in moving in together. What you need to do is believe what she is showing you by her actions.
When you have accepted you ranking in her priorities, you will be able to make a clear decision as to the future of your relationship. Right now you are questioning that. You need to make your actions match your feelings. You need to have non-negotiable unalterable terms.
If your term is that you will not share a house with her brother, then stop sleeping there. If your term is that you will not be second place in her life, then stop being in her life.
Finally, your post is full of complaints about the brother. You are not in a relationship with her brother. You are in a relationship with his sister. Concentrate on her. Her actions towards you. Her commitment to you. Her feelings for you. Her brother can waste away his entire life (not just 18 months) without affecting your relationship with her. But, for that to happen, she has to choose to put you ahead of him in her life.
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