A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:All right, here's the deal. My girlfriend and I have been together for just over three years. And good god we love each other like nothing else. We just moved in together and, minor issues aside and one or two larger ones that we have talked about and are working on, we have recently discovered that we want two very different paths in life. I want an early family, to get married out of college have some fun, have kids and settle down. She wants to get out of college, move around live in a dozen different places, get her masters, get her doctorate find somewhere she likes and eventually settle down. My age for marriage is around 23/24, hers is 30ish. My age for kids is around 28/29, hers is 35. The main problem is that I don't want to move around a whole lot. So I guess my question is: what do we do here? I know she will eventually be ready, but 6/7 years after I want. I want to wait, but I worry that being together so long with no more large steps to take will force us apart, particularly if we are traveling and something happens for either of us with another person. Thoughts? Ideas? Anyone else had something like this happen? Help.
View related questions:
moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 I thought I'd throw in a last comment, even though it's been a few days now. It's not as easily to say you want to marry at this or that age or have kids at this or that age. Because there are so many other factors involved. Me for example, I would have loved to have a young family, start with children at 25 for example. I don't want to have children after 30, it's better to have them earlier. But you can't control life, and I have dated men and been in relationships, and some wanted marriage and children with me, but I didn't want it with them, and some weren't ready and wanted to wait until they were 40 (because men can afford to wait, women can't) etc. I am now 26, but not seeing anyone seriously, so children and marriage is at least 2 years ahead, should I happen to find someone right now who I could be in a serious relationship with.
I wouldn't want to get pregnant right now to a man I barely know and who I am not married to just for the sake of having children fast and have a young family! For me it is much more important that when I have children they will get a loving and dependable father and a father and mother who love each other and are married.
Finding the one you want to share your life with isn't easy! Who's to say you will find her by the age of 23? You might not have found her yet then. You can find plenty of women who want to be married at that age, and surely plenty who will want to marry you, but you are not guaranteed to find someone you can actually be happy with in a marriage. Many young women get married for the sake of marriage and a wedding, so if a woman is too eager to get married young then you need to be cautious. You need to make sure that this marriage can actually last. Isn't it better then to be married a bit later to someone who you know you can have a happy marriage with (not necessarily your girlfriend), than be married to whomever you happen to be dating at 23, regardless of whether or not you might get divorced just 2-5 years later?
I think the question here is, what is more important, getting married at 23 or marrying your life-partner who can make you happy?
As for the traveling, she can travel and you can stay put. There's no reason for why she can't travel alone or with friends. Not all couples are attached at the hip, and having separate interests is healthy. If you end up marrying her then you will have a life-time with her, so her spending some time traveling and doing her own thing shouldn't be a problem as you will get to spend years and years with her anyway. Look at those who marry soldiers who get deployed. It is hard, but being long distance and apart for a while is not the end to a marriage. It does takes extra work, and is a true test on how good of a relationship you have with the person. But it is not to say that such a marriage is doomed or can never work. They work.
You also always risk meeting other people.. you know what I mean. You take that risk whether you are married or not. Your partner or you can meet someone special before you get married, after you get married, and it will be just the same threat no matter at what stage you are. Because either a person is committed to you or they aren't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): I agree with the people who have pointed out that you do in fact want the same things. I just wanted to add that as life goes on, your ideals and dreams do change and you really cannot plan out how your future will go. I always used to imagine that by the time I was mid 20's I would be thinking about having children. Well I can tell you now I would be no where near ready!! My partner and I get along so well because neither of us plan the future, we just live it when it comes! Don't risk loving relationship just because she feels she won't be ready when you are, just enjoy each other and support each other in the choices you make. Best of luck : )
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 First you both are young, and you may change your plans many times before you settle down.
If you love each other now, that's what matters, not what you will be doing in 10 or 15years. When you get to the point when she wants to go one way, and you want to go another, then is the time for serious discussion and maybe splitting up.
35 is not a great age to plan to have kids. At that age a woman's fertility declines rapidly and the dangers of childbirth to baby and mother increases. She needs to consider her biological clock more carefully, if she wants children, she needs to plan to have them before this age, just to be safe.
Yes it's a problem, you don't sound like you want the same things in life. This will become more apparent as your relationship develops, especially if she goes away to study and then wants to travel. I would wait until then before I made any decision about whether she's a woman you can spend the rest of your life with. No point in leaving your girlfriend now, for troubles that don't currently exist.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 December 2011):
 I agree with Chigirl. You want the exact same things, just with an offset of about 5 years. If you dump her over this, I guarantee you will not be married within your timeframe. So your options are, wait 5 or so extra years and be with the woman you love, or wait 5 years and maybe be with someone you love, maybe not. Marriage is just a piece of paper, if you really love each other, than can be enough for such a short period of time. 5 years is really not that long.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 December 2011):
PS. I don't see this as you and her wanting different things, you want the exact same: marriage and kids and each other. You just want it at different times. Try your luck with dating and never knowing if any of them want to marry, let alone marrying YOU, and you will experience some real differences. What when someone you love doesn't believe in marriages, or is of a different faith, etc. You and her want the exact same thing, you're not as different as you might think. You're quite similar.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 December 2011):
You can't plan life and plans change. While you are young you might think you have some plan set and you'll do this and that and get married then and when etc. But real life? Doesn't work that way. What if you break it off with her only to end up in a crappy relationship with a woman you don't love, but who you marry just because you want to be married at 23/24. Great plan. Sounds nice to you too, right? Because after all, you have a schedule you need to uphold.
Or maybe not. This is life, not a factory. You can't predict what will happen when. Just don't toss away someone you love because you think you might get better. If what you have is good then hold on to it, and then see what time will bring. Nothing is decided yet. Talk about it, and continue to take one day at a time and see where life brings you.
Your "plans" so far are ideals, not realistic plans. Ideally you wouldn't mind marrying at that age, but you can't plan when to marry, life decides that for you, not you yourself. Same with her. She wouldn't mind ideally marrying at this or that time, but she can't plan it either. All you can determine is whether or not you will get married RIGHT NOW, what you want to do 2 years from now none of you know for sure.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 December 2011):
The two of you are still young and the both of you need to understand this. In a relationship you should know that there must be some compromises and this can help with the problem you both will face. Maybe you both can give up something for the other.
I don't think you both can keep the relationship with these goals. The kids and family ones aren't too much of a problem because you will still be together.
The one that strikes out at me is the moving around. This will definitely make things harder or impossible. But like I offered before, it would be wise for both of you to give up somethings if you ever hope to keep ANY kind of relationship EVEN if it was with different people.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): This should be discussed before even committing to long term dating and definately BEFORE moving in together.I had my children at an earlier age. Married young. I count it a blessing because I still have vitality, good health, and will be so when I am blessed with Grandchildren. I'm 40 and hang with teen daughters and we have crazy fun! So worth it!Differing of values/standards, usually means no compromise. Its couples counselling but even then, really, you are a mismatch.Look at Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. He wanted children, she wasn't sure. As the years move on, he harboured resentments while she got her way more and more. And we know what happened.This is a BIG life altering decision and to me; its evident. Love aside, its asking too much to sacrifice 6/7 years on your hope and dream of a young family. Just like she would feel its asking to much of her youth to sacrifice for children.Differing of values/standards/life goals usually are a push to end things because left to simmmer; they get out of hand and messy. Tempers flare. Feelings of resentment snowball.Have a best friend that married a younger woman. He thinks he can have children later. He's 40, shes 26. She married him knowing he felt he could still wait but now, is putting pressure on him to the point she is threatening to leave. Now how is that honest? Fair? Loving?POnder on it. Try couples counselling. AT the end of the day, its a belief and value you both hold separate of one another.What do you think? Could you sacrifice those 6-7 years for her plans? What if she changes her mind all together and choses to not want kids at the end of those years? Life is change.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 December 2011):
 When I was married, my ex- and I thought we had it clear just what we "wanted".... with nowhere near as much discussion as it sounds like you and your intended have had... Consequently, as time went past, in our 15 year marriage, we grew further and further apart... until "further apart" was a chasm that we could not traverse....
You and she need to have that serious talk wherein you (both) say, "If we do not find that compromise that we BOTH can accept, then we must accept that our life-path preferences are too far different to reconcile... and we'll be better off NOT marrying.. and, instead, go our separate ways, as friends, and let the future happen."
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 This is one of those tricky situations in life that you just do not have any control over. It is clear to see that the both of you want two very different things, and if someone sacrifices there plans to keep the other happy well then they will end up resenting them. I guess you both just need to sit down and talk about this and try and meet in the middle somewhere so everyone is happy. Yes it is a tricky situation and am sorry I do not have any better advice for you, but this is something you both need to discuss and sort out for yourselves. Good luck.
...............................
|
