A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a fling with a guy at my job for 2 years. He wasn't what I expected so we ended the relationship. It took awhile for him to go away because he was still calling and texting for six more months after. I have moved on and now pregnant and reunited with my husband. The fling heared the news and said he was very happy for me and still wanted to be friends. All of a sudden, he just stop speaking to me and acts as if we never knew each other. He can stand right next to me and not even say two words to me but be cordial to others. At first it didn't bother me because I am married, pregnant, and have my own life but now his childish ways gets to me. I don't want to be his enemy. I just didn't want a serious relationship. I like to remain cordial with people (male or female) even if we didn't see eye to eye on things. I was just raised to never burn bridges with others but unfortunately, this is not the case here. I don't get it. We both agreed that we didn't want a relationship. We were both still cordial at work with no hard feelings. He said he was cool and wanted to still be friends. My question here is: What the hell just happened? I can leave things the way they are and act as silly as he is but I'm not made up that way. I'm uncomfortable at work because I feel like their is some confortation that I don't know about. Should I just go on with my life and ignore the situation? I hate when people hate me or stop speaking to me for no apparent reason. I know I must sound silly and my situation is so small but I just need some sort of insight into this. For now, I'm just going to leave things as is.
View related questions:
at work, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (8 December 2011):
 You broke his heart and he's trying to deal with it. 2 years is sort of a long time to date someone and then opt out which was what you did. If your heart has never been broken then you'll never understand the pain you've caused and are still causing him. He doesn't want friendship and that's what's on the table for him right now. He needs time to heal and that's why he's giving you space - I suggest you do the same
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 December 2011):
Hi there. When you had the fling with this guy in your office, were you still with your husband?
Or, were you separated?
Or did your husband find out about it and then you split up?
I ask this, because you have said here that you and your husband are reunited now.
So there's been some time apart from your husband in between, hasn't there?
It's possible that now you are back with your husband once again, plus you are now pregnant, this guy at work now sees there is no possibility that you and he would ever be a couple.
He's probably single - because you haven't really said that he isn't - and so what he wants from life, you can't give him.
So, rather than keep on pursuing you and with no prospect of a future with you, he sees no point. He doesn't want to waste his time and risk getting disappointed and hurt, does he? Who would?
If it was the other way around, you'd almost certainly feel the same way.
Consequently, the way he deals with this is to not tempt fate by being overly friendly with you - just in case. He's protecting himself.
What you are feeling is a sense of rejection by him, and it's a bit awkward as you both work together, so you are always going to be running into each other throughout your average day. And that doesn't really help either of you.
All you can really do is to accept that it's his way of dealing with it, and that in time he will find a girlfriend who he can call his own - and who won't belong to someone else. That's what he really wants isn't it?
In another few months, you will be either leaving or going on maternity leave anyway, so you won't be seeing him for a while.
Just as long as you are at least civil and curteous to each other at work and when you have to deal with each other in your job tasks, well then it's not as bad as you think it is.
So for now, just let things ride. The awkwardness will fade into oblivion, with time. You can be fairly sure of that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you eyeswideopen. Im moblie and having a hard time rating. I will do just what u said.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 December 2011):
 It sounds like your little "fling" meant more to him than it did to you. Leave it alone, let him find his own way to deal with it.Hopefully he'll come around, but you have more important things on your mind at this moment anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 When you had a fling and then went back to your husband and got pregnant, then the friendship ended. If he was hanging around and texting for 6months, his heart got involved and he was hurt when you and him finished.
Leave him alone. He doesn't want to be your friend, he wants more from you than that. You feel OK, your heart isn't hurt, but he doesn't feel the same way that you do. Please leave him alone, so he can try to get over you and so he can forget the special time that he spent with you and the fact that your now holding and having sex with your husband. It's like you want some kind of recognition from him, so you won't feel so guilty about the way you have acted. Leave him alone, he is not your priest, if you want to confess your problems, then do it here or at church.
No situation is small on DC, your free to ask questions, but you may not like all the answers you get.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): The issues is not necessarily his behaviour or attitude towards you but that you don't like it when someone 'hates' you. Its life and its going to happen. Being a people pleaser is a disorder.
'As with so many other personality dysfunctions, they're unable to validate themselves from within so must depend on others to confirm their value from without. Not having developed any sense that they're inherently worth caring for--i.e., lovable for themselves--they strive to make themselves lovable by becoming for others whatever they think might be wanted from them.' ~ Pyschology Today, EVOLUTION TO THE SELF On the paradoxes of personality.
by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D.
Which would explain your extra marital affair. You have some inner work to address and THAT is the REAL issue.
So forget this Fling Dude and his infantile behaviour. Shows what a louse he turned out to be so good that is well and done. Right?
Focus on your marriage, child, and being happy.
And get Counselling.
Congrats on the Bundle of Joy!!
Happy Holidays!
...............................
|
