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age
41-50,
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writes: I am in a 10 month relationship with my girlfriend. We have been living together for 4 months now. My problem is that ever since things have been slowly going downhill. She is a control/clean(ing) freak, she never wants to visit with people or do anything that doesn’t involve watching TV, and it is affecting our relationship on all levels (mentally it’s come to a quiet house, and physically sex has come to an almost complete stand-still). I've tried to get her to talk about it on a few occasions but I get stone walled, told 'everything is ok', or she gets mad doesn’t say anything and goes to a relative’s house to blow-off steam and then things remain tense for a day or 2. I don’t feel as attracted to her anymore for a number of reasons, but the biggest being that she is a control freak, mainly about cooking and cleaning. I am not allowed to do anything at our place in regards to these. If I cook something she won’t eat it and will get offended if I don’t eat what she cooks. If I clean the house she re-cleans it right after, sometimes she gets very mad also.My family isn't allowed to stay over in our massive place because she doesn’t want things to get dirty.Not being able to talk about what is going on around us is killing the relationship too.This feels like another long term relationship I was in that I ended because we were not getting anywhere with our issues. She is a wonderful person, but if I can't get her to open up and relinquish some control this relationship won’t go much farther. Does anyone have any advice on how I might get her to open up and realize she can’t control everything? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 December 2009):
So you're going to do nothing and stay miserable rather than sorting this out?
Good Luck!! xx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): I watched the interview on 20/20 about Howie Mandell and his illness and perhaps your girlfriend suffers from it too. It is very revealing what OCD can do to a person.http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=9194113
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the info; I am very parient, and contiue to be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): doesnt this show that maybe you had both moved a little fast..? However i really think you should talk to her calmly without sounding patronising. If you dont, the anger will only build up and it will all come out eventually and end up pretty ugly. Also, if she gets so angry really easily, maybe she feels she needs a little support? My friend was the same when someone would laugh or patronise her on her cleanliness. You would sit on a chair, and when you moved she would automatically straighten the chair or fix the cushion in a certain way. When we asked her she became defensive and angry. In the end we showed our support for her and she opened up. I feel that maybe this is the way forward for you two?xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): I see your problem. I have a friend who reminds me very much of your girlfriend, and at times I too get this hyper-crazy cleaning spree thing going.
Going deep down to a subconscious level: her cleaning and controlling is the thing she can control in her life, she wants to keep things tidy because.... Something else in her life might be a mess. This is a very dangerous place to venture though, so I recommend you don't angle it like that. But understanding that likely there are subconscious reasons for her controlling could help you see how to attack the problem.
If you let her continue this manic cleaning and controlling thing, she'll get worse. It could turn into a obsession. A mental illness. Don't get me wrong, she might not be that bad, I don't know her. But there's a possibility. So nip it at the start! Help her out of this craziness!
Yes you need to talk to her. It can be hard to keep it cool and calm, but yes do try. And then ask her what she's afraid of. Question her behavior, not interrogating, but asking and tell her you are only trying to understand her and you are concerned. Ask her what she's afraid will happen if she doesn't clean. What will happen if things get dirty? You know she can always clean up after the relatives are gone. What's so bad?
Dusty shelves might not look pretty, but they don't harm you unless you have allergies or asthma. So what is she afraid of? Ask her to let hings drop once in a while, and accept that things in life can not be perfect. And that it's perfectly fine still. You might not clean the way she would have cleaned, but your way IS fine. Your cooking IS fine. It's not the same, because it's your way, but explain to her that your way of doing things is just as good as her way, it's only different. But that if you are to live together, she needs to accept that. She needs to accept you and your ways.
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (30 November 2009):
 Very well that you want to do something about this situation. Maybe initially you thought it was signs of care that she didn't let you do anything in the house, but this is taking things too far and it is a chunk of who she is and what she knows to do. She doesn't trust you at doing things better than her. She has to get things moving herself to prove herself she is good and better than others. This is no way to have a mature relationship. It seems she didn't learn much from her other relationships, that I imagine stumbled for the same reasons. Your partner sounds like hard work and if you don't have her agree with you that she has a problem which she needs to sort out with professional help, this relationship is as good as it's going to get. You will have to arm yourself with yet more patience if you decide to give her and the relationship a chance. This is usually a deep rooted issue and one not easy to manage once it's come this far. But if you think it's worth it to try, then see if you can research the problem together and if she accepts your help and a therapist's. I do not doubt she is wonderful in other ways, but this problem must be a big turnoff for you, as for most men, and is already growing and becoming a passion killer.I found this useful link for you, about ways to approach a clean/control freak: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Control-FreakAll the best, dear.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): Thanks for the response.
I should also mention that the first couple of times I did not back off, I kept pursuing it but was not getting anythign so I left it at that thinking she needed time to get herself in order. The last time I did not let up, I even followed her out of the house when she was headign to a relitives to let off steam. Not yelling but just to give her a ride and let her know that I do care abotu her and am not goign to let this rest like that.
She just looked at me and said 'I dont know where you think you are goign but you left the light on'.
I dont have much left in me, I want to try and save this one but, like I know and it's been said, there is only some much I can do.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (30 November 2009):
So you say "we need to talk" and she says "everything is fine" and you just back off. Or she shouts and you just shut up.
You need to push this more.
Tell her that everything is not fine. But you have to stay calm when talking to her and not yell back if she gets angry.
If she still refuses to talk about it then I think you have to be prepared to force her to talk about it by walking out.
She can either put the effort in to save the relationship, or you don't come back.
There is only so much you can do before you have to walk away from these situations.
Good Luck!! xx
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