A
male
age
30-35,
*ish360
writes:My girl and i are in long distance relationship since the starting and we love and trust each other deeply.We do occasionally meet and have wonderful sex . Currently we are even planning to get married and get our parents involved . Now my problem is that my gf had a relationship earlier of 5 years and she used to have sex and even used to do all oral stuff like giving blowjobs. But when it comes to me she just ignores giving me a blowjob even though i have gone done on her many times. It feels bad i mean i do sometimes have thoughts in my mind that does she really love me . She knows how badly i wish for a blowjob and i have hinted her many times but she told me that she needs time. I know that she used to do many stuff with her ex like sharing dirty pics , etc. But with me i dont get anything. Now its already been 2 years in our relationship and i getting frustrated. I feel that she doesnt love me the way i do . Please suggest me what to do . I have many times thought of telling her how i feel but i do not want to upset her by saying this
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blow-job, her ex, long distance Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2017): Well this is easy! Men think women should 'realise' that their current man will resent them if they don't give them the same sex they gave other men. Women think men should 'realise' that putting pressure on them to do sexual acts they don't want or enjoy is going to ultimately ruin their desire and relationship. This is a classic no-win situation. The relationship is doomed either way. Both sides are rightly putting their own needs first, and there can be no healthy compromise here. Unfortunately sometimes things just don't work out.
FWIW, my advice when asked about previous sexual experience? Lie! Even the tamest past can be used as a bludgeon by an insecure partner.
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (10 August 2017):
And OF COURSE I don't want you to speak like that! I'd be delighted if you could simply accept that the only way to solve this issue without someone doing something they don't want to is to part ways. Whereas your posts read like 'These damn wimmins! They just don't know how unfair they are to us menz when they don't give us the sex we want. We must educate them with faux logic until they realise their feelings are wrong!'
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (10 August 2017):
You suggested he should ask her how she felt if he stopped spending money on her. Why else would that matter unless you're suggesting he try to guilt her into changing her mind?! Not all force has to be physical.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2017): Nice straw man argument.
I never said it was okay to force a woman into doing something she didn't want to do. Not even close. I am not going to talk like that no matter how much you want me to.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 August 2017):
Male anon, I did say 'some men' and the control I'm talking about is the attempted control of female sexuality. For a small group (again not all) of men, the idea that another man 'got' something they didn't from the same woman is their absolute worst nightmare and the worst act of disrespect a woman can carry out against them. These men argue black is white that every other man feels the same and it's women that need to stop being so unfair and treating men differently. Yet when women try to explain the mental and even physical damage partaking in unwanted acts can have on us (you know, our side of the story) we are shot down for 'expecting special treatment'.
Well you know what? Actually yes, I'd say that someone's desire to try a particular act is less important than someone else's desire NOT to. With sex, regardless of the gender, you need a yes from all parties before you go ahead. You can offer alternatives and negotiate on frequency certainly, but where it's a firm no that's the end of discussion. No-one should feel pressured into carrying out an act they don't want EVER.
Please free to argue back about how that means the woman will be in control of what happens in the bedroom 99% of the time and that's not fair blah, blah, blah. The fact remains, a person's bodily autonomy is not open to compromise. Full stop. End of story. Not now, not ever. And if you try to overrule that, further down the line all you'll end up with is a resentful partner and no sex life at all, regardless of how 'fair' that may be.
The only fair solution to all parties in this type of scenario, I'm sad to say, is for the couple to part ways and find someone more compatible.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2017):
How did control even get into this conversation? I said women should accept the same drawbacks as men since they expect the equal benefits. That is not trying to control women. (Or did you just assume that MEN all view sex as the same? That attitude seems quite biased, considering how strongly you argue that women aren't all the same . . )
What bothers me about the tone of the comments is that "women have more complicated feelings about sex" is basically code for "women's feelings about sex are more important." Those are not the words being said but its the effect they are supposed to have.
The OP's girlfriend did nothing wrong in the past (except against herself) and she is doing nothing wrong now. But the OP is not doing anything wrong when he feels the way he does either.
They need to find a compromise. A real compromise is not when one side totally gives in and the other side gets everything they want. As I said earlier, there is no nice perfect fix here.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (8 August 2017):
Male anon, what sort of 'special handling' are you talking about? All people are suggesting here is that the OP respect the clear sexual boundaries his gf has set. Surely that should be the same for anyone regardless of gender? If that doesn't work for him he's free to leave, as would a woman be if she wasn't satisfied with her sex life.
For me, you've completely invalidated your argument as you claim to understand that not all women view sex the same way, yet in the same paragraph attempt to remove 'perks' from us as some weird punishment for our so-called promiscuity?!
Yet more clear proof that female sexuality (or more specifically, the lack of male control over it) really does scare the crap out of some men!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2017): #1, 3, 4: I agree. #2: I don't object to the idea that sex can be complicated or meaningful for women. It can be. Much depends on the individual. I object to the idea that women are entitled to special handling from men on these matters, by default, because they are women. That perk became obsolete when women decided their role as the non-promiscuous gender was obsolete.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2017): Male anon:1. I said complicated not meaningful. Sexual desire is a more complicated thing in women than in men, and one sure-fire way of killing it stone dead is to imply that a woman should regularly partake in acts she doesn't want to in order to keep a man happy.2. Some women like hook ups; some women think sex is meaningful and only to be shared with a loved one; many women think sex fits somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. Some women might view sex differently depending on what stage of life they are at or based on experiences they have had either good or bad. So, since all women do not think the same way and since we are capable of knowing our own minds and even changing them at will, I'm afraid you're wrong: 'women' can have it both ways. Unfortunately there isn't an instruction manual that we all have to follow to make it easier for men to understand us...3. If you genuinely believe that you are going to have a satisfying sex life by guilting a partner into doing sexual things she doesn't want to, then by all means try it. Just don't be surprised if you end up back here in a few years asking why your partner has lost her sex drive completely...4. This is my last point on this matter, as I've already wasted enough time on this. I know that a man's ego means he wants to be the best lover his partner has ever had. He wants to think he's had things from her no other man has and can satisfy her like no other man could. This is the exact same thing as when women post here and tell us that they want their man to think they are the most beautiful woman in the world. That their man will never look at or lust over another woman ever again because she is all he could ever want and more.Both of these are nice ideas and it would be brilliant if that's how things always worked. Yet both are utterly unrealistic. The most beautiful woman or man may not want us back; and sometimes the person that rocks our world most sexually is a complete mismatch in every other area of life. So my advice to both men and women is this: look for someone that ticks as many boxes as possible and appreciate what you have with them. And when it comes to their opinions of or experiences with anyone else? Simply don't ask!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2017): I only hear the "sex is more meaningful for women" argument when somebody can gain from it. Other times women love to explain how they can enjoy casual sex just like men, and their past hookups didn't necessarily mean anything to them, etc. Sorry but you cannot have it both ways.
The money comparison is not perfect but it gets the point across.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (6 August 2017):
Another vote for you moving on I'm afraid OP. Differences like this can rarely be resolved since one side will always resent the other, whether they are the one that has to 'go without' or the one who 'gives in'. And, based on personal experience, resentment is a cancer to relationships.
Finally, just to chip in on the 'it's like a man refusing to spend as much money' argument. Buying a present is easy and impersonal. Giving someone your body sexually is as personal and intimate as it gets. If any boyfriend of mine ever suggested they were even remotely comparable, I'd be forced to question his entire attitude to love and sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2017): @Anon male - You're right, being a man is definitely different to being a woman. If we were the same, there wouldn't be so many posts from men feeling entitled to sexual acts from women on the grounds that they'd done it before with someone else. Regardless of their feelings about said act now, these men always seem to feel THEIR feelings of 'missing out' trump those of the woman.
No, if we were all the same, these men would understand that sex is a complicated thing for a woman to give and being made to feel like they are OBLIGATED to give it is the biggest turn off ever. It's even likely to have the opposite effect, as trying to override a person's right to decide what they want to do with their own body will likely make them want to offer it less frequently.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2017): @ anon:
How is my money comparison all wrong?
I didn't say what the people in the money example (or the OP of this question) SHOULD do. I only explained how this ends up affecting each side.
A person who gives too much in the past does NOT owe future partners just as much as the previous ones. But their future partners logically WILL feel like they missed out on something because of it.
I am discussing the real world. Being a man is not the same experience as being a woman and vice versa. Men have to work for sex and they are expected to bring some money. Women have to work for a committed relationship and they are expected to bring some sex. And there is not always a perfect answer for every conflict.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2017): 'How would she feel if you used to spend more money and effort trying to win over and please your previous girlfriend than you do with her?
It's a similar principle. You have every RIGHT not to spend as much money and effort on her as your previous girlfriend. But it is still going to sting your current girlfriend's feelings knowing that.'
Urgh, arguments like this make me sick! Sex is not money!! And it's likely the gf isn't doing it out of spite, more because she's decided she doesn't want to continue doing something she doesn't want to in order to keep hold of a man. However, since many men seem insistent on using this analogy, let's try to make it work better.
Imagine the man in the above scenario had been throwing money and gifts at women in the hope he'd find love or sex in return, only to find himself feeling more used and disrespected as time went on. He eventually decides to stop trying to buy these women and be himself in order to try to forge a more authentic relationship and find someone. Do you think a future gf would be justified in being annoyed that he wasn't trying to buy her? Should she try to force him to change and go back to feeling used/no more than a wallet to keep her happy? Ignoring the fact that spending money is nowhere near similar to performing a very intimate sexual act, I'd say both are wrong.
Regardless of gender or circumstances, the answer is the same. A person can either accept what their significant other is offering them or they can't. If they can't then their only option is to find someone else because it's not fair or right to try to force someone to do anything they don't want to. Nor should you want to if you care about a person IMO.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2017): Firstly, a blowjob doesn't equal to love so stop asking this question, especially since you are talking of getting married, of course she loves you.
I think the only way you can find out why she is not doing certain things with you that she has done in the past is to simply ask her, younneed to be upfront and ask, that's the only way you will find out, instead of speculating.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 August 2017):
 Some people just don't like giving oral and they don't have to. You hopefully wouldn't guilt or nudge someone into anal, so don't do it with oral either. If receiving oral is that important, marrying her won't solve it; it'll make it worse.
She's not the one for you. Lots of us do things in one relationship that we realise we don't want to do again.
Not wanting to do a certain thing during sex does not mean she does not love you, though.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (5 August 2017):
Well, you can't force her, and complaining about it won't do any good. Personally I don't understand why people don't give BJ's/eat pussy just to make their partner happy, but either way you're going to have to get used to a bj free life is you are with her. I get one about every year from my wife, so I've basically written them off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2017): How would she feel if you used to spend more money and effort trying to win over and please your previous girlfriend than you do with her?
It's a similar principle. You have every RIGHT not to spend as much money and effort on her as your previous girlfriend. But it is still going to sting your current girlfriend's feelings knowing that.
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female
reader, Flame222  +, writes (5 August 2017):
I think that a blowjob is ... a sexual behavior that not all girls like to practice. Many girls think that its humiliating and they don't get any pleasure out of it, its just a pleasure for their partner. Plus it isn't the major part that takes place in having sex, except if you are too taken by pornography and what media wants you to think about sex. I personally do not do bj, my tongue rolling and twisting his dick is not how I show my love to him, I'd rather to have his penis in my vagina while we look at each other's face and that's love, when we are at the same level, and I'm suggesting that maybe she thinks so even if she has done it with her ex maybe she thinks it was a foolish superficial relationship, and she wants a decent one with u.would you like to be having the same sex she's had with her ex? or would you want to forget your desires for a while or change your perspective about it and see what she means by loving you the way she wants to love you?Most of men like bj but... its about time that they stop making it a standard practice or a condition or a major issue.Love is more than just a blowjob.
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female
reader, Aunt Geri +, writes (5 August 2017):
Okay, so what I'm understanding right now is that your girlfriend doesn't want to give you a blow job. In all honesty there's nothing wrong with that. If it's something she's not comfortable with at the moment then leave it be. Have you ever wandered why she doesn't want to though. As you say, you are in a long distance relationship and only see each other occasionally. Maybe seeing you like once ever five months is straining enough. She's not going to come waltzing through the door like "hey babe, missed you, mind if I suck you off?" NO! She's glad that you get to spend the time with each other. She's trying to make the sex as passionate as it can be. Forcing her to give you a blow job is just pretty damn unexceptable. You need facts before you can fight your case. Maybe she doesn't want to give blowjobs because her ex pressured her into do them? Maybe she doesn't want to give blowjobs because she's generally not in the mood. If you truly love her and want this to work out. Then make your choice, you either choose blowjob and potentially ruin your relationship over something not even important. Or choose her, and just leave the blowjob situation how it is. You never know, she might surprise you one time.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 August 2017):
 She isn't a mind reader.
If you're not happy, tell her.
If having a blowjob really means that much to you then it sounds like you're not sexually compatible.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (5 August 2017):
 Blow jobs do NOT equal love. Her unwillingness to give you one does not mean she does not love you. It's ridiculous. And don't use the excuse that you give it, so you should get it.
Have you even asked her if she likes them? I used to do things with my ex that I'd never do now because my bf has helped me learn to respect myself and I know he wouldn't want me to do anything that made me uncomfortable because he LOVES me.
It's perfectly fine for you to want oral sex. It's not okay to guilt her or force her or 'convince' her if she doesn't want to do it. You need to tell her how important they are to you because what if she doesn't want to do them and never does them ever in the rest of your life? Would you still be with her? It's okay for things like this to be a deal breaker. But it's important to really work out what you'd rather have before its too late.
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A
female
reader, Showdeekay +, writes (5 August 2017):
Maybe she lied about her past experiences. I don't think you can base how much a person loves you on if she will/won't give you a hi. That being said 2 years is an awful long time to make a guy wait. But be honest with her about your needs and how sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.
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