A
male
age
41-50,
*ensitive male
writes:Please read and offer your opinion. I have been in a wonderful and fulfilling relationship for the past two years. We are best friends as well as lovers. We share so much and are aligned in so many ways. Chemistry, trust, communication and love are the foundations of US. About a year and a half into our relationship I ended up going to prison for a white collar crime I didn't commit but strategically decided to plead guilty to. My sentence was for one year. Without me asking, my girlfriend said she'd wait for me. After being there for three months she started to write me less. I asked her to keep writing me and how important that was to me. Nonetheless, her letters became more and more infrequent. Prior to prison, we'd always write each other throughout the day. We both loved it and it was another way for us to be close to each other. In the last 90 days she only wrote me seven times. All sorts of thoughts went through my head from me thinking she was talking to another guy to maybe thinking she lost interest in me. Well, when I got released she expected every thing to be normal. And so did I. However, unfortunately I now have trust and confidence issues with our relationship. I felt I was at my lowest point in life and she wasn't there for me emotionally. I asked about 15 times for her to write more and how important this was for me. Please, let me know your thoughts. I thank you very much!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2020): Grow up and stop deflecting. Stop being so selfish and egotistical. She waited for you after you were put in prison and you are not even respecting her for that or realising what a sacrifice she made. It's selfish to expect her not to be affected by what happened and t act like nothing took place. Going to prison for a year is a major life change and was not her fault; you were punished and now you want to punish her because you have not inwardly matured during your time in prison and accepted that you are very far from perfect. YOU have to take the consequences of what you got into, NOT her. By focussing on her letter writing and what you find to be an unsatisfactory amount of letters, you are deflecting, in a very immature way, from the fact that you screwed up majorly, not her. Whether innocent or not - and many people will not believe you are because why, then, did you not fight for your innocence? - you forced your relationship to take a major hit. Not her, you. You are very, very selfish to expect her to behave exactly as you wanted her to and not take into account how the time and your conviction must have affected her - you have a chip on your shoulder because you believe you were innocent and yet, unfathomably, pled guilty, and you want her letter writing to act as some sort of proof that you are still as worthy as you are before you went to prison. Wrong call on your part; you are NOT going to be viewed the same by anyone, ever again and you should NOT make your girlfriend into the scapegoat just because her actions don't seem to feed your ego and the idea that you are nothing less than perfect. In any case the relationship you describe before prison doesn't sound in any way real to me, it sounds very immature; real relationships are not like the kind of living, teenage fantasy you describe and it sounds to me like you are the kind of guy who likes to use a weak, very obedient and subservient woman to uphold a fantasy idea of yourself, only to have a load of undulate with crap going on in the background that keeps surfacing from time to time, which it did and then you got put away for it, spoiling your idea of yourself. You're making her into a scapegoat so as to avoid confronting what you got yourself into and because you are having to face the idea of an imperfect, but real and ordinary relationship. Stop trying to punish her, see that she is a person in her own right and not just an extension of you and your fantasies about yourself and grow up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2020): People express their emotions differently. I know that letter must have meant so much to you, but maybe they just weren't her thing.
Did she wait for you?
Yes.
Did she write to you in her own rhythm?
Yes.
I don't see a problem.
It's your expectations that are creating a problem, where there's none.
My husband's honest, reliable, hard working, smart... but he just can't take care of a person by cooking for them. When I came back from my mother's funeral, which he couldn't attend (a completely valid reason work related) (after a 5h flight) he "welcomed" me with nothing but his happiness to see me. I mean, not even a take out. At that moment I felt miserable. My mom died. I had just buried her and I need someone to fuss over me, cook for me, make me feel taken care of... but that's not his thing. It just isn't. And it was not something he could learn. I've tried. He just doesn't have it in him.
I realized that it's my expectations that are making me sad. Nobody's perfect so we must know our priorities.
What are yours?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 August 2020):
 Well, don't forget she CAN change her mind at any time as to whether she STILL wants to wait or not.
And life doesn't just stand still while you are in jail. HER life isn't just consisted of her waiting for you and
writing to you. She also HAVE a life. It doesn't REVOLVE around you. Nor should it.
She also now have PLENTY of time to decide if she WANTS a future with someone with a criminal record. After all, PLEADING guilty means (at least legally) that you are now limited with certain careers, and if it means that the plans you two made BEFORE you plead guilty might not come to fruition, then she has a lot of thinking to do. JUST like you do.
You get a letter every 2 weeks from her. And that isn't enough? I mean what CAN a person really write about? If she writes about her life, you might feel excluded, if she write sweet nothings there is a limit to how much she can write, isn't there? Wouldn't you rather get letters from someone who WANTS to write that letter? Who feel like they have something to share?
You have expectation of her that are somewhat unrealistic. Stop asking for more letters and APPRICIATE what you get. Or I can see there might be a further decrease in letters. Because she is NOT obligated to write you. She doesn't OWE you that. While she OFFERED to wait for you, that doesn't mean she HAS to wait for you, or that she has to write X amount of letters because you WANT her to. Like, I said her life doesn't REVOLVE around you.
YOU made the choice to plead and be away for a year. She isn't responsible for that, correct? YOU left HER in a sense. Not the other way around.
She has made a choice to write when she FEELS like she has something to say to you.
You had ONLY been dating for 18 months when you went to jail. It was still in the "get to know you phase". I think you need to find some GRATITUDE that she is still writing, that she is sticking it out with you so far.
How can she really support you? Let's be honest here. YOU made some BIG choices about your life, and future that is ALSO affecting her. And then you complain that she isn't supportive enough? Dude! She has only known you for 18 months! This isn't your wife of 10 years or someone who YOU had committed yourself to, SHE is your GF.
Again, I think your expectations are too high.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2020): You went to prison, and you expected a girlfriend to wait? That's to be expected of a wife. Someone who has exchanged vows to stay faithful through thick and thin; and for better or worse. The unselfish thing would have been to let her go, and not ask her to wait. It was really a decision that was really up to her, not for you to expect of her. Not hearing from her gave you the motivation to behave yourself and to be a model-prisoner. Did it not? Considering she has no idea what you'd be like when you got out.
If she waited for you; that year you were gone was also a chunk taken out of her life as well!
There are lots of things to consider here. Like, are you really innocent? If you are, why would you still plead guilty, and not do all you could to clear yourself? You made a choice, and these are the consequences of that choice.
You have to take into account who she is being influenced by; and the fact you're now a convict with a jail record. She has parents, probably siblings, friends, and co-workers who may be discouraging her from waiting on a man who landed himself in prison. Her affiliations with a man in prison also reflects on her family's standing in the community, and her reputation. It's not just about you my friend! They had to have found something they could nail you with to still be able to bring down a jail-sentence. Maybe you should get a new lawyer and try to clear your name.
You do understand for some women a jail-record is a deal-breaker?
While you were away, she still had to get-on with her life; but the fact she was still single when you got-out seems to be a reasonable indicator she waited for you. Writing may have been difficult; and some people feel a little weird receiving mail with a return address to a prison. It was embarrassing for her. She's the one facing the public, for being your girlfriend! The number of letters you got are better than none at all! She may be somewhat disappointed that you weren't able to avoid jail altogether! Her hopes and dreams, as far as you're concerned, will now have to be readjusted. Then she has to convince everyone she knows she's not making a mistake by remaining your girlfriend.
Your job is to show her that you were worth waiting for. She's not responsible for your misfortune; and the fact she has not broken-up with you must account for something. You are really in no position to judge her, that takes some nerve. You should be more grateful.
I'll be frank with you. I don't think you're in the position to be judging her in a negative-way. She could have sent you a "Dear John" letter, and simply ended the relationship. She could have cut all ties and ghosted you.
If she still wants to see you; maybe it's left up-to you to prove your innocence by regaining HER trust. Now you have something to prove to her. Not the other-way around! If you've got suspicions and whatnot; you're giving her cause for pause, and maybe a reason to tell you to get lost. Please bear this in-mind. You may be innocent, but your credibility is pretty shot!
I do agree, that she could have written you more frequently; if she still wanted to maintain a relationship. Yet she's the one who has to decide how you still fit into her life. I think you need to be thankful of the fact that she's still your girlfriend. Letters don't mean as much as forgiveness and loyalty. She doesn't know for sure if you are really innocent. That's the risk she has to take. Her trust in you is now a gamble. Everybody in prison claims they didn't do it; even if the incriminating-evidence and eye-witnesses say they did.
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