A
female
age
41-50,
*lue111
writes:I am female 41 years old from very religious family .I never had sex in my life . I had boyfriend with who I never had sex. I was not allowed to have sex before marriage .Unfortunately I was raped when I was in school .Now I am dating a guy and wants to get marry I ( RECENTLY) tested positive for HSV1 and HSV2. ( herpes )I don’t have courage to talk with my current boyfriend about it .Also can’t share about rape I am devasted don’t have courage Please need advice Do I have to breakup?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2020): I'm so sorry for your suffering.
You need to talk to him.
Even if you hadn't tested positive, it would have been better to talk to your bf about the rape. But, you would have had a choice. Now, you must tell him.
I don't agree that you should tell him first about the STDs and then about the rape. Unfortunately, one caused the other.
You were not irresponsible, promiscuous etc. You were raped. And you not telling him about it might give him the wrong impression.
It's not your fault that you were raped. If he cannot handle the truth, then he doesn't deserve you. Be prepared that his initial reaction might be bad, something that might hurt your feelings. So I'd lead with that. I'd tell him that I have to tell him something that, even through no fault of mine, might change how he sees me and that I will understand if his reaction gets bad and that I love him. I'd add that I understand that he needs time to process this. And then I would tell him.
There's no ideal moment for this.
A relationship gets very quickly from "too new" to "too old" for this. And it's normal that a person might ask you why you haven't told him before. It's important that he knows that you needed the time and that it had nothing to do with a lack of confidence.
Men hate to hear about this because it makes them feel powerless. It doesn't matter that your bf hadn't been around when you were in school. This is completely irrational. They get angry and they need to direct that anger at someone. Since they cannot direct it at the perpetrator, sometimes they target the victim and that makes them feel horrible.
This is not something you can hide.
Just do it.
Don't wait.
I mean it's ok to wait if your bf is having a bad day, but otherwise, just do it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2020): You are thinking too much with your emotions, heart and feelings instead of your head. If there is no point to your relationship then why have you not ended it already?
Relationships are based on love, friendship, trust and care. Give your guy a chance to show you these things. You have nothing to lose. The worst that can happen is he finds it too hard and walks away. But if it is a solid relationship this will not happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2020): Rehearse how you want to tell him. Give yourself time to gather the courage; but you must tell him the truth.
Hiding such a thing, and knowingly exposing another person, has some severe legal-ramifications. You'll have to speak to your doctor about what safety measures should be taken; and you have to earn his trust with honesty. It's a very difficult task; but you can't deceive anyone, or withhold information that could affect the health or well-being of another individual.
I wouldn't recommend offering the information about the rape; until you know you can trust him. His reaction to the news about herpes is enough for now.
Guard your feelings, by taking all this one step at a time. If he is the right-guy, and this relationship is meant to be; things will work-out. There will be precautions you'll have to take; but prepare yourself for whatever his reaction will be.
You have been through enough, and you deserve love just like anybody else. I pray he will be understanding, and things will workout for the both of you.
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