A
male
age
36-40,
*oloradan
writes:I am 26 years old and my girlfriend is 24. I have been with her for 9 months now, and we love each other so much that I can see myself marrying this girl. BUT, I have found out that she was very promiscuous in the past. She had somewhere around 60 partners, and I get the impression that she used her body to feel wanted by these men. She had low self-esteem and she used sex with these men to feel wanted and worthy. Needless to say this created a vicious cycle for her. She is a different person now, and realizes the mistakes of what she was doing. But I can't seem to stop thinking about her past. I can't understand how she could do that to herself. I just want to forget about it and focus on the future with her, but my mind will not let this go. I am afraid it will ruin our relationship. Can someone please explain to me how I can develop the wisdom to accept this fact and take my girlfriend for the amazing person that she has become? Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): hey man why suffer for the mistakes she's made? Why take the emotional burden? I'm not being the nice guy here, but listen to me. You will have to live with her past if you live with her. But You don't if you leave her. So my advice- leave her (60 is a big score). You will surely get someone better
A
male
reader, coloradan +, writes (13 April 2011):
coloradan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers everyone. One thing I'd like to point out is that she now has a high self esteem and has moved on to be a better person than she was in the past. Some of you suggested talking/counseling, but when I have tried to talk about it with her, she cries and asks me not to bring up painful memories. I want to respect her wish. I see no reason to ever bring this up with her again because she has completely moved on. This is more about ME being able to accept her past for what it is, and accept her for what she is now. I do not feel right talking about this with her anymore, so really I just want to find a way to deal with my retroactive jealousy and move on to a bright future with her. I really don't want her to know that I still think about this because that just makes her sad. I need to deal with this on my own, and I really agree with TRANCEDRHYTHMEAR. She is an amazing girl because she has realized the flaws of her past. Thanks for the help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Many people come from backgrounds that just leave them with no preparation for how mature, stable, and constructive relationships should be managed. Alcoholic parents, abusive or neglectful parents, mentally ill parents, etc, etc. Rape, incest, abuse, neglect, alcohol, other drugs, all get tossed into the mix usually.
Many of these people are good, decent, loving, kind and wonderful individuals. But, they don't see themselves that way, they see themselves as "trash". They may have doctoral degrees, and make a quarter million a year, but they still see themselves as "trash" and "throwaways".
The female poster, "jonas", hit the nail right on the head.
Now, she may be trying to be someone that she wants to be with you. The only way to figure that out is to get professional couples counseling from the beginning, now, for both of you. You need to do this to protect yourself. She needs it to figure out if this is what she wants.
It is not easy for these people to get what they want, because they also don't believe they deserve it, it can take 10 or more years for them to believe it. They have a terrible self worth as well, and it leads them to do terrible things to themselves, which hurt those that they love.
Unfortunately, people, men as well as women, who have this background tend to cheat in relationships if they don'tget good and competent long term help. They do this because no long term relationship can sustain their esteem and quell their fears and insecurities without a lot of reassurance.
I can't speak to your gf, but my partner had had so many partners that she wouldn't even tell anyone, for the reasons "jonas" mentions. It was "around 100", but the true number was well beyond that, more likely than not 2-3 X that, but who can keep count. She is also the most wonderful person I could ever have imagined, and become better every year, but she needed a lot of help, support, reassurance, and counseling over the years, she has had to deal with drug addiction and old "friends" that simply cannot be allowed around...20 years into things, a "friend" re-enters the picture and has to be told "No, you can't contact me, I don't want to associate with you." because of their negative influences.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Retroactive jealousy. Look it up.
Don't waste your time listening to people saying "oh just get over it!" They don't understand what you are feeling, they don't respect your right to your emotions, and they aren't really interested in helping you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Hey bud!Ill be more encouraging. Yes, exactly! She learned from her past logically and understands the mistakes she made and why she made them. This is big as Ive known women are like "the experiences were just experiences and I dont think anything of them"... well kiss my a$$ lol... this lady has matured and developed and is now focused on you and wants you only. Her past, because she has indeed gone back and learned and analyzed it, is not an indicator to her risk of being unfaithful to you in the possible furture. It is only an indicator that she is over that and now knows what she wants out of life and a partner. Move forward with her and ask her for reassurance on future plans with you so that you know everything is focused on you and those experiences are learned from and put behind her. Big picture man, think about it! Good luck on this!
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 Well:
Remember the nudy mags under your bed?
Remember when you blew milk through your nose?
Remember when you peed in the neighbours pool?
Those were the days my friend..
Now we move into the future.
The only place it can go.
And all the amazing things that we've become.
Isn't life grand.
Have a pint, kiss your girl and talk about oh.. the weather
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