A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 years now, she was sexually assaulted about a year before we started dating. She has always been timid of sex and I have tried to be very understanding. In 2 years time our sex life has actually declined and she never makes a move, and avoids having any sexual contact with me. She is 26 and I am 22. I have been trying for a long time now, but its getting worse as time goes by. Its very difficult for me to be in a relationship where I am not sexually desired for at all. Not to mention I don't really enjoy the sex we do have and she treats it as a chore. I love her very much, but I don't know how much longer I can stand feeling unwanted. I have tried everything she has asked, and its just getting worse. I feel like I have been more than patient, but I don't know what to do after so long. Is there any advice anyone can give me that might help?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015):
I hate to say it, but I was in a relationship like this. Once she felt safe the sex completely stopped. She also was not willing to work on it for fear of opening old wounds. It sucked for all involved.
I was very understanding, but at some point I wanted her realize that she was putting me through an ordeal. She never admitted to that and in her mind I was just some sex-crazy freak. Nevermind, I put up with her never wanting to have sex in YEARS. Some people are broken and don't want to be helped.
All I can say is... I wish I would have left FAR before I did. It was very painful, but I hope we both learned something from the time we shared.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): She either desperately needs counselling or needs to change her counsellor. For things to get worse suggests she is not getting over what happened.
You've been understanding but you now need to be honest. Tell her that whilst you love her, the rejection you are faced with is hurting you and actually you feel that the relationship may reach its natural end as you two fall into a platonic friendship. You were not the one who hurt her and it was not her fault that it happened. She needs someone properly trained to help her see that she can enjoy intimacy again.
Be honest with her and be there for her. Let her know that you've never wanted to rush her. She needs to decide if she wants an intimate relationship not.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (11 August 2015):
Like Honeypie, I’m also wondering whether she has had any counselling, as I think this would be a good idea. It will provide a safe environment for her to explore her feelings about the assault she suffered and its on-going impact on her life. You seem to have tried everything, but, as much as I hate to say it, I wonder if you’ve been a bit too nice? I think you understand that she has suffered a trauma and that sex might be difficult for her as a result. It’s likely to evoke some bad memories and unpleasant feelings. Have you perhaps tried to shield her from just how frustrating this is, and how rejected you feel? I wonder if you’ve asked her what will help, and told her that you understand, but you haven’t told her that actually you can’t take much more, feel rejected and increasingly unable to accept this situation. You might think that seems cruel but you can’t go on quietly living with this level of frustration at your current incompatibility sexually, for the sake of not making things harder for her. What happened to her wasn’t your fault and isn’t something you can fix. Unfortunately, nobody else will accept this incompatibility in the future, so she’ll have to work out whether anything can change or whether she can only be with some-one else with an equally low sex drive. Of course, you should assure her of your support too, but I would not hold back in telling her that the relationship is at risk. She may be angry, she may be willing to work with you, but you need to know if anything can change and she needs to know how you feel now. She also needs blunt honestly for you about how long you can hold out for things to change, because you can’t drift on for ever thinking that things will get better between you if you don’t see anything to indicate that.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 August 2015):
 Did she have any kind of counseling after the sexual assault? If not, maybe gently suggest she tries that?
As for your sex life with her, it may NOT improve at all. She may get flashback or fear getting flashback when it comes down to intimacy. SHE know intellectually that you DIDN'T hurt her but for her, sex is not about pleasure but feeling powerless...
Maybe you two are not really compatible in that area? And maybe you need to accept that and move on. Find a girl who you fit better with in that area too.
This is something SHE needs to WANT to fix, you can't do that for her.
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