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male
age
30-35,
*urningleon
writes:I've been dating this girl for quite a while. We're really close and even talking about getting married once we graduate college. I've been touching and sucking her breast for a while now and she always really enjoys that but I've just started touching her. She always seemed really nervous when I was touching her. Just a week ago I found out she had been molested as a child and that was causing her nervousness. I've offered to stop touching her down there for a while but she says she enjoys it and wants me to continue. My question is this. How can I get her to relax and enjoy it when I finger her? I want to take her mind off the past and help to let go and create new better memories. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): Keep treating her like a queen and making her happy in and out of bed so she can feel safe with you and it not be on her mind
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): Hi Mr Kermit,Have you actually read any of this young guy's posts. Your first suggestion was for him to read a book, but his girlfriend was asking him to touch her. As I said, if he had followed your advice it would have made her feel sad and rejected instead of pleasured. I don't see him forcing her into intimacies that she dose not want, indeed, he has been very careful, time and time again to follow everything she wants to do, and I see no evidence that she is giving him sexual pleasure, so he is honorable in my eyes. He is delaying his own pleasure and thinking only of her, I doubt many adult men could say the same thing. You seem to assume that this girl is some type of victim or imbecile, who doesn't know what she wants, and has to make up stories instead of saying no. I don't see that, I think she has been very clear in what she needs to heal herself, whether it follows a textbook or not. It is the young lady that matters here, trying to make this guy feel bad about himself and his actions achieves nothing in my eyes. You said he should heal with words, I'm still waiting for you to provide some advice on how he should do that. What words should he tell her, what should he say. How should he respond when she asks him to touch her and look at her. He has asked for our help about what to do, apart from reading a book, I have seen nothing from you that will help him and his girlfriend out. You have repeatedly told him what NOT to do, what SHOULD he do instead?I don't know Mr Kermit, but from the things he says, this guy needs a bloody medal rather than harsh negative words. The fact that he's only 15 and can do so much to make one young girl happy is only a credit to his "honour, kindness and love" and anyone who says differently is an idiot, doesn't understand what true love means, or has a hidden agenda that has nothing to do with this young couple on their own particular circumstances.Hi BurningleonI feel that many people giving advice here, Burningleon have not actually read the words about how you and your partner feel, instead they are relying on the words of experts and professionals or how they felt in a similar situation.. I have no time for that. This is a advice and relationship site, and you have asked for that, and that's what I have tried to provide. It's about you and her babes, what feels good, what helps her heal, and what you feel proud about. That's all that matter's here, that's what you will remember in the long term...WARNING: YOU ARE BOTH VERY YOUNG, AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP MAY FAIL.. but everything you are doing, everything you have done, all your brilliant, wise, kindness will stay with her for the rest of her life, and will probably outlive the abuse. Some people read books and think they know everything, some people have experiences and think that everyone is just like them and will react the same way that they do. But you and I both know that everybody is different, and in this situation, only your girlfriend and her feelings, her wishes and demands matter, not a pile of hot air talk from people who think they have the most knowledge for dealing with abuse...I take off my hat to you Burningleon, and that's the first time I've ever done that to a man on Dear Cupid. Feel proud of yourself, because no matter what the future may bring, you have brought one you girl pleasure and happiness...PS:: No sex anymore babes, she doesn't need healing anymore because you have fixed her for good. Be very proud of yourself, cause you didn't need no books.. :^)
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reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (19 September 2008):
 IF you were truly as honorable as you claim, you would not have felt it necessary to lie about your age, and you would not be trying to justify it now.
The most recent anon post is right on the money. Help her with words, not sex, but that was not your intention.
Again, if religion was the factor here, the two of you would never have ventured into a sexual area to begin with. SHE was the one that called it off, and you agreed to it, but it was not you that insisted on stopping for religious reasons.
Had it occurred to you that she is using relgion as an excuse because she is not ready/interested in having sex with you, and felt it was the only way you would back off trying to "help" her?
-Frank
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): Hi Burningleon,
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.. so much has happened since I've been away. Firstly I'd like to thank Ms anonymous for her post. Her example is a brilliant example of how some people are able to live with past abuse, to never get over it and still be able to fall in love and have sex without it playing on their mind. That's great honey, I'm glad that you have been able to get on and be happy in your life...
However, this is not the case for everyone, so women never, ever, ever enjoy sex, and tense up and pull away because it brings back memories of abuse. It has nothing to do with love but it has everything to do with fear. I find it funny Burningleon that people are criticizing you for giving so much details, but you do notice how they still read along, something about what you write and the way you right must be keeping them interested.
As far as I can tell, and I think ChiRaven (if I can put words into his mouth) would agree, everything is going fine. I wish you had been truthful with your age, it probably wouldn't have changed the advice I gave, but it would have helped put things into context. I believe strongly in sexual healing, and as far as I remember me and others were quite specific in giving you appropriate sexual advice. The intimacy with your girlfriend you are describing is neither grotesque or salacious, instead it is appropriate for what is going on in your particular circumstances. Some women and even men are funny about menstruation, but I'm glad to see you are not like that, and I know how much love and trust your girlfriend is showing you when she allows you to look at her at this time of the month... I can also hear your joy at the amount of trust that she has given to you. You have a right to be pleased, it is a rare person who can give somebody so much patience and time to heal. I for one understand that you are following your girlfriends suggestions rather than forcing her to do something that she hates. The suggestions given lately, do nothing to help, are you supposed to turn your girlfriend away and leave her feeling rejected, I have no idea how this would help the situation in a good way.
I also know this is not about sex, and it's very much a case of love on your part. Everything you are doing is perfect, you have been gentle, kind and loving and very supportive. To turn your girlfriend away I think would act like a slap in the face, and would be very unkind. I know you have no intention of having penetrative sex, and this is just an extra addition to normal "making out", I'm also aware that you are able to stop, because it's your girlfriend rather than you who is gaining all the pleasure.
You are both still very young, and you must be aware that your relationship might fail. People change, you may change, she may change, who knows what the future may hold. I think it's a good idea to remain friendly but not too affectionate in her parents presence. But is there anyway to tell her parents how you feel, could you explain how much you love and respect her, and how much respect you have for them, so that they will understand and allow you to be together with less pressure.
Anyway, again Burningleon , you are a very wise and kind young man, a lot wiser than the adults I have seen on this board. You are right to feel pleased with yourself, and pleased in the intimacy that you and your girlfriend have developed. So the sexual activity is over, no problem babes, just do what you were doing before, sex will come up again one day. Your a very special person and I think that she realises this. You have given her pleasure, and if she is religious it's not surprising that she now wants to back off and wait. I suggest that you do the same, she's not going anywhere and neither are you, find other things to do with your time to show her you love and care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): Ok I'm the first anonymous writer!
I am a girl and I was molested and i have had a wonderful fiance who helped me through it. He never has helped me with sex. It was always with helping me deal with guilt issues and with feeling dirty. The sex that we have is beautiful because we love eachother and never gets ruined by me being molested. The past will NEVER go away. It will always enter her head at random moments and if she has it happen a lot when you are being sexual it means that she is not completely comfortable with you and with what is happening. The religon thing is crap. It is something she is saying as a way out because she doesn't want to have sex. If she really didn't want sex before marriage she wouldn't have had sex with you in the first place.
If you really wanted to help her you would have helped her with words not sex. I met my fiance when I was 15 and 4 years later I still love him very much so age has nothing to do with love.
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reader, Burningleon +, writes (19 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is real. She really is having these problems and I really do need advice. Good advice. Not criticism from people that don't understand the situation. The reason why I've been giving so many details is that I feel like they're necessary to show how close she is to letting go. It's not like I've been bragging about what I've done merely stating the facts. And I'm not trying to get into her pants. That's not the purpose of this. It was to get her to relax and get her to let go of memories as painful as those. And she has done that. She still fears she may backtrack now that we've decided to stop, but she has let go. And now that she has I'm perfectly fine with stopping what we've been doing. And we are stopping this because of our religion. She's said she still wants too but feels she shouldn't because god says it's not right until ur married. All I want is for her to be happy and she couldn't do that as long as she had the past. So I made this post as a desperate last attempt. And I've gotten great advice but I expected to get unhelpful criticism which is why I lied about my age. That's right. I'm actually 15 years old. 16 in March. I didn't want any crud about how I was too young all I wanted was a little help. And now that I've gotten that I'd like to thank all of you that were helpful and for those of you who aren't go ahead and say it. I'm too young to be in love, to plan my marriage, and to be doing sexual things. I get it from parents and friend so go ahead and join the party. Because no one really believes in True, not sex related and non restricted, love anymore. Except for me, my girl, and a few others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): i agree anonymous ive thought this for a while about this post, too much information and is it to be believed hmmm not sure ill reserve judgement, if its true im deeply sorry for the girl in question she is clearly in need of real one to one help not just coaxing to get her knickers off, sorry if this is harsh you probably wont even get to read it it will be removed.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): I know i am going to get a bad rating for this but i am starting to get the feeling that you are using this question as a sex blog. You aren't really needing any advice you are just saying the sexual things you are doing with your girlfriend. None of us need the details.
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reader, Burningleon +, writes (18 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHave you not been reading any of this? She said that she'll give me her virginity on our honeymoon and she still really wants to marry me. She's terrified of the thought of me leaving.
How would her religion stop her from dating me. Our relationship isn't all about sex. We started off as great friends and then started dating. We've talked about this several times and we agree that it seems like god himself brought us together.
I came here looking for positive advice not someone telling me to break up with her. I even told her about ur post about how she'd link the past to me but she said that was absolutely not the case. But hey, at least you were right about one thing. I do have a good heart and that's why i'm going to stick with the women I love. The women who loves me. I will marry her one day.
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (18 September 2008):
Sorry dude, but I do not beleive this for a second.
She has now associated her negative feelings about sex with YOU, and is looking for a reason not to have sex with you so that you will leave her.
Her religion? If that were a factor, the two of you would never have gotten together.
Sorry dude. I think you have a good heart and the best of intentions, however gratitude is not love.
Good luck.
-Frank
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reader, Burningleon +, writes (16 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright. Update time.
Yesterday she got into a fight with her mom. Her mom was a real wild child so she's very controlling. I'm not sure what all was said but they started arguing about how if her mom keeps trying to control her all it's going to do is cause her to become more like her mom. Something to that effect. But now she has decided that she's going to stop feeling bad about doing things because her parents say so. She wants to go back to normal.. sorta. She says we can act just like we always have with only 2 differences. When we are around her parents we need to be a little less close, and when we're alone. No more sexual acts. I found out the reason for that too. The no sexual acts has nothing to do with her parents. It's actually because of how religious she is. We believe that god brought us together and she doesn't want him to take us apart. Lately she's been getting the feeling that we shouldn't be doing this because it's considered adultery since we aren't married and thus is ungodly. But that's all okay. I've told her it's fine. She's probably right and that I love her. Besides, since we plan on getting married we have plenty of time for sexual stuff later in our lives.
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reader, Burningleon +, writes (15 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChiRaven
I would like to thank you for your words of encouragement. By the time I read this I had already made my decision. And you've convinced me that it was indeed the right one. Today she felt terrible and kept apologizing. She felt like she had ruined everything. I did absolutely everything in my power to convince her otherwise. That our relationship was based off love and she hadn't destroyed the love. She had merely taken away a form of expressing it. We could still be together. I still saw her as perfect to me and perfect for me. And I still wanted to marry her. It was only the suddenness of her decision that got to me but she was right and I am willing to stop the sexual acts. It took quite a bit of convincing to relive both of our minds of our jumbled thought, but it all seems worth it. And I hope it stays that way. I'll keep all of you update with anything big and reply to any of ur posts. Thank you all again.
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reader, ChiRaven +, writes (15 September 2008):
 Take it easy, guy. Your relationship with this girl means a LOT more than just the great times with sex. She needs to back off for a little while now, if only to square things with her parents. Respect that. If you really love her, stick with her through this and just do what she needs you to do. Don't push it any further than she is willing to take it.
Women are funny sometimes. They have odd ways of making a guy "prove his love". It seems like torment, but to them these things are absolutely essential. In your girl's mind, she really needs this right now. She needs to abide by her parents' restrictions, but she needs to know that you are OK with this and that you are still with her too.
She hasn't really lost anything. The only way that the two of you really throw everything away is if you start acting really selfish about this and start pushing or make demands or (worse yet) leave the relationship because you are no longer doing the things you used to do.
Stay with her. Respect her boundaries. If you really love her, support her as she works through this next step in her recovery. She's been through a period of immense personal growth with you. Now she needs a period of consolidation, to make that growth a part of herself. Let her know that you're still there for her through that, too. It takes a real man to stick with a woman "for better or worse".
If you're going to stay with this woman there will be times throughout your lives when there will be echoes of her past that will surface and will call for extraordinary responses from you. You are going to have to decide whether you are going to be someone who can handle these incidents, which are almost certain to come back in one form or another for a very long time. Think it over. But in the end I do hope that you'll decide to stay with this girl.
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reader, Burningleon +, writes (14 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's my latest update:
Yesterday was both amazing and terrible. The day started off really good. We went to a wedding, celebrated my granddad's birthday and then had some time alone afterwards. When we were alone everything was great, she seemed really relaxed but when I asked if I could touch her down there she said she was on her period and so I couldn't go in because of her tampon. Just the way she said it though, there was no hesitation in her voice. She wanted me to touch her. So I did. I brought her to her fourth orgasm ever but not much longer after that we were interrupted. About an hour later she asked if I wanted to touch her again and of course I said yes. She told me she didn't want to orgasm, she just wanted me to touch her gently. So I did. After maybe 10 min of just touching her and looking into her eyes she said I could see it. This was huge. She'd never wanted me to actually see it before. I looked down there for probably not much more than a minute before I came back up to her face. I told her I still find her eyes the most beautiful part of her body. After a bit more rubbing she still seemed really relaxed but something seemed a little off. When I asked if she had something on her mind she said she didn't have any thoughts at all. A few minutes later she asked if I would just cuddle with her and I did so without hesitation. The past never did bother her at all and she told me she was sure it wouldn't bother her that night either. Later that night I called her and she was right. She was having no problem with the past but she was having a problem with something else. Her parents were saying that they thought we were too close. They don't know about what we do, we don't even kiss in front of them though they know we have. For some reason her dad though we were kissing in the back seat after the wedding while he was driving. They said that we need to realize that though we may be comfortable with how close we are the people around us may not be. She had agreed with them. She told me she didn't want to stop everything but she felt we should. That we should jump all the way back to when we just held hands. No kissing, no cuddling, no touching, nothing. I apologized like crazy for everything that had happened. I felt it was my fault. I was always the one trying to be close to her whenever I got the chance. She said It wasn't just my fault but this also meant we couldn't even make out when we were alone. I asked her if she regretted anything and why she would let me see it if she was just going to throw us all the way back to holding hands. She said she didn't regret a thing and she wanted me to see it. She just felt we should slow everything down... I'm so confused. I don't know what to do about this. I hate how everything has happened. We made so much progress. She let go of the past. I don't want to throw that all away now. Please help.
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reader, Burningleon +, writes (8 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I was right. We never did actually get any alone time today when we could've done something but she seems okay. Last night I got a huge break through though. I talked to her about everything and she said for the first time that she believed me. She actually believed that she would be able to let go :D
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reader, ChiRaven +, writes (7 September 2008):
Great job, guy. Keep up the good gentle work. You seem to be giving her just what she needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): Hi Burningleon,
You are doing just fine.. You are better than a million books and a thousand experts on the solutions of how to heal a girl.. Every time I have an idea, you've already thought about it tried it and got the tee shirt. I have little to say because you've already thought it, done it and suceeded and made her happy. Tonight I will rack my brain and think of something new to try, but I know you my classy gentleman, by the time I think of it, you will tell me you've done it and everything went fine. Blessings to you, and do you have a brother aged between 30-39. I would like to meet him and tell him how much I respect and have adore you.. :^O
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reader, Burningleon +, writes (7 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a quick update on how things are going. On Tuesday night the past tried to press it's way into her mind but she was able to keep it out. On Wednesday I made her a cd with my voice recorded on it giving her all kinds of encouragement. Since I gave it to her the past hasn't even tried to come into her mind. I'm spending tomorrow with her. I'm not sure if we'll get a chance to go do anything but I'll post tomorrow with an update on how it went.
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (2 September 2008):
I think what you are trying to do is very honorable and you obviously care about her and are coming from a very good place. I respect that.
With that said, I want you to know what I am about to write is to offer you some perspective to understand why things with her may still not work out.
1-You are not a professional therapist and thus, you should be careful what you do. You might not be helping her long term.
2-If you do help her, once she gets "better", she will be a different person than she is now, and may not be suited to being in a relationship with you. When lovers becomes each others therapists, that dynamic rarely turns into a successful long term relationship. My fear for you is that once you have helped heal her, you will be ready to make her your wife, but she will seek out a fresh start with a new partner. Gradititude is NOT love.
3-If you are not careful with the way you help her, she will start to link all of her negative feelings about the abuse to you...for example, getting her to look in your eyes when she is going through a flashback memory episode will start to link those unhealthy experiences to looking into your eyes...eventually, it will be the act of looking into your eyes that TRIGGERS the episodes she is looking to avoid.
Again please read the book: The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz: A Guide For Survivors of Sexual Abuse.
It has proper exercises for partners, and behaviors for partners of sex abuse victims to be lovers, but not therapists.
-Frank B Kermit
http://www.frankadviceformen.com
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reader, Burningleon +, writes (2 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the question First of all I'd like to thank all of you for your support and suggestions. DiovanLestat, you've been loads of help. Even if you want to kick me. You don't need to apologize for ur book. It was very helpful and reassuring. Today I have good news and bad news.
The bad is that I contacted Rainn days before I found this site and they weren't very helpful. The best they could do was encourage me to keep searching and keep trying. The rest of the bad news that that she really does want me to keep it quite. I offered to talk to someone for her and she about started crying saying I'd promised to keep it a secret. Needless to say I quickly dropped it and told her that I was going to keep it a secret. Unfortunately I wasn't quite able to keep that promise but at the same time this site is anonymous so I don't feel terrible about telling all of you.
Now for the good news. FETSEA you gave some great advice. I know this because I am just now reading ur response but I developed that plan last night. Let me start from the beginning. Last night I before she went to bed I was on the phone with her and I could tell the past was still creeping up on her. I did everything I could to keep it away by telling her how she's never alone. She's got proof of my love (my gifts, paper flowers and such that I made her) all around her. She has my picture right next to her, my spirit tied to her, and above all my heart within her. (We say that we've exchanged hearts.) And if all that wasn't quite enough to call me and she'd have my voice to reassure her as well. She agreed and I let her go to bed. Sure enough at 6 this morning I got a call. When I answered she didn't say anything but I could tell immediately from her breathing what was going on. I slowly talked her out of the past and into the present. And once I had her there I reminded her how much I loved her and how we would be married and how everything would be okay. I talked for an hour straight making sure to get her to respond constantly. By the end of the hour her mind was completely at ease and she went back to sleep for 2 more hours of what she said was actually really good sleep. Then at noon she came over to my house to meet my grandparents. She seemed fine and was back to her old self. A huge relief. Though she did try to stay a lot closer to me than she usually does though that was fine with me ;) After my grandparents left we had some time alone. I put in a movie and we cuddled up like we always do. Before long we were gazing into each others eyes. This is when I told her my plan to prove that her body belongs to her and she gets every say in it. I put my hand in hers and had her guide it to where ever she wanted me to touch her. Eventually we worked our way down there. And sure enough she guided my hand. Eventually she had me find her clit and asked me to try doing what I did yesterday. She was so relaxed I could swear she orgasmed twice, she even said she thought it was "at least" 2 times. I put her hand back over top of mine and she asked me to rub a lot lower. I asked if she meant inside her lower and she nodded. I slipped a finger in and ran it against the top (she's on her back) She said to go lower so I started rubbing it against the bottom. She said that this felt really good and as I was doing this I tried to adjust my hand to make things a little easier but in the process my finger slipped in a little to far and the look of pain on her face just killed me. I immediately pulled my finger out and started apologizing but she told me that it was fine and it was well worth it. I hadn't ripped it or anything it just hurt for a second by faded away within minutes. When I kept apologizing she looked me in the eyes and said I'd have to get over it because one day when we're married I'll completely rip it. I was rather surprised by how relaxed she was especially about that. After wards she went into the bathroom and cleaned herself up and then came out and asked me to hold her for the rest of the movie. Needless to say I did as she asked. She never slipped into the past today. She stayed firmly in the present. She was incredibly relaxed and she fully enjoyed every second we had together. I was amazed. She'd obviously taken a huge step forward and when I asked her about it she said it was all thanks to me. I was sooo happy at that moment all I could do was hug and her tell her how much I love her and glad I was that I could help her. Tonight I gave her my necklace I made for her to sleep with in the hopes that if the past does decide to finally sneak up on her she won't forget that I'm there with her no matter what. But I get the feeling that it probably won't sneak up on her tonight. I sure hope I'm right.
So how was that for a book? Everyone, thank you again for ur encouragement. It helps a lot. And if nothing else it has motivated me to do even more to help her and has allowed me to compile my thoughts and decide how I would approach things. You've all been a huge help. There's no doubt in my mind that she'll be my wife one day. And I have all of you to thank for helping us move forward to that day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): Sorry, I do talk-talk a lot, I got so carried away, that now I've writen a book... :^O
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): Aahaha Burningleon,
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear... Anyway thanks for the update, I can see that you are not only a very kind, gentle, and sensetive person, but your also a man who keeps his promises....
Could you send me a private mail and give me your address. I live in the UK, but I could catch a flight to the USA so I could deliver these two things to you in person. I could be there by tomorrow, and be back in London by tomorrow night...
Firstly a big, hug and kiss for the things that worked. You did real good, in fact you did brilliantly. She enjoyed her time in your hands, hell she more than enjoyed it, she got sexual pleasure, and was able to relax and discover her sexuality.
Secondly, a big kick up the backside (arse/ass) How come you started playing doctor. What has looking for hymens got to do with having fun in sex. Sounds more like a medical examination to me, your not supposed to be her doctor, you auditioning for the role of caring lover. What a way to spoil the moment, and you were doing so well at keeping her in the moment, and fixing her attention on you and sexual pleasure. Why did you both go and spoil it all by looking for things that have no relevance for you both at this moment. You weren't going to have sex, you didn't need to find that stupid piece of virgin skin.... aahahahahah... then everything was spoiled again....
I know babes, it's not your fault, she asked you to look, and as a good boyfriend trying to give her pleasure you did as she said. But that brought back the past, everything you had achieved was ignored and both of you got sad...
Fetsea is perfectly right.. Healing takes time, both physically and mentally, this will not happen over night. But as you said, this is a great first step, now both of you know that her sexuality has not been totally damaged, and she can find pleasure with you.
But Uncle ChiRaven is also right, your beautiful girlfriend needs counselling, she needs somebody to help her get over these memories, she needs to put aside the past and revell in the happiness of her present. To do that, you both need help, you need professional help, and a counsellor can help her to do that.
I know she will be scared, but I also know that she is courageous and brave. She survived this abuse and she didn't fall to pieces. She found you and was determined to share her body with you. She had the courage to tell you what happened, and the courage to carry on with the touching even though she was probably very afraid.
Actually it's good that she rembered the past, his face and how it felt. It has made her very vunerable, and giving you a space where you can give her encouragement to try to talk to someone who can help her with the past...
Here is a number for you to call. These people are the experts at this type of thing.... http://www.rainn.org/ their telephone number is 1.800.656 HOPE
Right now she will hate this, she will feel scared to tell anyone, it was hard enough for her to tell you. She won't want to talk about this, so you have to go gently. Use the same loving persuasion you used when you touched her. Hold her on your lap, give her tons of kisses, and start to try to convince her that she will feel happier if she gets some professional help...
Tell her you can make the call for her, and you will hold her and kiss her whilst she talks to them. If she really can't bear it, then tell her you hate seeing her so sad, you want her to be happy and you think these people will help. Ask her if you can phone them for her, ask if you can tell them what she told you. Tell her you don't want her to keep being frightened, tell her someone told you that they will be able to help her forget. You can also look up the web page on the website. Find as much information as you can. You can hold her on your lap, and kiss her, even caress her again, you can look together and make yourselves a plan about what you will do. Remember what we have said, it's about staying in the present, bringing happiness and fun, gentle persuasion and helping her get over this thing.
Don't push to hard, tell her how much you love her and how much you want to make her happy. But she may not be able to do this, she may want you to keep it all quiet... If it is to hard for her, then drop it, and stop speaking about it for now....
When your away from her, you can call them for yourself, you can look at the website and find out what else you can do to help. It's not only the person who was abused that hurts, people around her that love her (you) hurt and feel helpless as well. You can get this information to help you out. Phone them and tell them exactly what you told us. They will provide professional supporta and advice, just as the aunts and uncles here have tried to do. You are very young and this is a very big thing, so you have a right to get some support for yourself...
You did brilliantly Burningleon, you are a diamond, a star, a knight in shining armour, and she is so lucky to have you and she certainly knows that. Things have been bad in the past, but you are so generous and kind with your loving that you almost make up for everything she has suffered. Apart from this little hicup, you have done brilliantly by your girlfriend. Continue with the gentle loving persuasion, dont give up, things should get better and better as she feels more comfortable with you and the beautifull memories you are now making for her. Good luck to you and her, I send you both my warmest regards... We are here whenever you need us, and whenever you want come back and ask for help, tell us what is going on, or just come and tell us how your feeling, because we know your hurting as well..... You did real good my friend, thank you for taking the time to update.
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reader, FETSEA  +, writes (1 September 2008):
HEALING TAKES TIME.This is not just physical, but an emotional as well. The journey to making her completely comfortable is going to be tough. GET THE TRUST FIRST. Everything hat you say or do must be reassuring to her. Until her mind says, I can trust him; I like him, do not rush. At all times, meet her in her eyes. When eyes lock, love blossoms. Holding hands, arms behind her waist, or your hands on her shoulders, as in coax; reassurance is important. Even in proximity, do not rush. Tell her to take your hands, where she wants your hand to be, not where you want your hand to be. Two different aspects. Soft talk in the ears, "feeling good!", "what would you like" are important. At her heights of ecstasy, trust and comfort, suggest "I want to give your pussy my best kiss".This is saying to measure response. This is saying to read body response. This is saying to gradually build her faith, trust and confidence in you. All said, you must be sincere.
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reader, Burningleon +, writes (1 September 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTime for that update I promised. Today was... A step forward but at the same time it was really shaky. We started off great. Kissing and slowly working our way up to touching her down there. I was really gentle and I kept her in the present and told her how much I loved her. Then as I was rubbing her I asked her what she would like me to do. She said she wanted me to cheek. Last time we were together I didn't feel her hymen and she's been wondering whether it was still intact of if he had broken it. I made sure she was ready and slowly slipped my finger as far in as I could get it but didn't feel anything. After I told her this she started shaking and I could barely keep her in the present. After what seemed like forever she began to calm down. I held her close assuring her that everything was okay as she kept apologizing. After a while I asked if she would like me to try again and she said yes. This time was much better. She asked me to skip straight to rubbing her. It took a while but I finally found her clit. The whole time I was talking to her and keeping her here. After a while of rubbing it she started breathing hard and as I quickened up and started shaking again, but this was different. She seemed like she was trying to talk to me as I asked her if she was okay but couldn't. After quite a while of this she practically gasped and stopped shaking. I'd swear I'd just gotten her to orgasm and she thinks she had to. It was her first one that she knew of. After that I slipped a finger inside her to check her again and I curled my finger upwards towards her belly button and as I was pulling it out that way she gasped and said it stung. I think it might've actually been her hymen and somehow i was just getting through it or something. What do you think? After we were finished I was holding her close and talking to her. And she started to thank me for helping her through this. She then seemed to be staring past me and I could tell she was remembering the past. I tried to pull her back I couldn't do it. She started to shake again and said she could see his face. I made her look me right in the eye and kept reminding her he was the past and that I'd never hurt her like that. After a while she calmed down and that was it. We turned on the tv and layed there together until we had to leave for dinner about an hour later.
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reader, ChiRaven +, writes (31 August 2008):
But please try to talk her into getting professional help. She's only storing up trouble for the future. I spent 15 years as a volunteer working with professionals at a mental health center, and I asked the professional staff once what proportion of our female client base had been sexually and/or physically abused. They told me it was, for all practical purposes, 100%. And they said that anybody who had such a history and hadn't been in counseling almost certainly should have had it.
She will have a MUCH better life if she will get help with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): lots of eye contact needs to be established so she can see into yours at all times and know she can trust you are not going to hurt her, good advice from the aunt who said make it playful laughter helps every time, what a great first bf she has chosen i wish u both lots of luck and happiness xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): Hi Burningleon,
I know this hard for you, and when reading back my answer I was hoping you would understand what I was trying to say about keeping her in the moment. A combination of gentle loving persuasion from you and kisses might help.... Also to remember to make things fun, fun, fun... Sex should be fun. That will be something new for her, something that only you have done. Try tickles, here and there, ask if she likes this or that, kisses and nips.. can you understand.. playfull love making too. Anything to make it different, anything to make this seem like normal loving fun... Or make it important and serious, something that is special to the both of you.... Just make it important and get her to keep her attention on you loving her...
Sorry the advice is confusing but this is hard, so do the best you can, and make it as easy for her, and memorable (for the right reasons) as you can, and keep you and her in the moment, because the past is long dead and gone... Anyway enough talk from me, you have an important day tomorrow... Good luck, and thanks for the update, I'll be waiting to see how you got on...
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reader, Burningleon +, writes (31 August 2008):
Burningleon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDiovanLestat
Thank you for your advice. I'm actually spending time with her tomorrow and chances are that we'll start getting into that. I'll try your advice. I normally try to talk to her while were doing things. But I'm her first to do any of this so she usually just tells me she doesn't know what would feel better. I'll keep talking though and make sure to keep her in the present. I'll try to post tomorrow and update you. Thank you again for you're help. That really helped.
ChiRaven
Thanks for you're encouragement. She's actually not taking any counseling right now. I'm the only one she has ever told what happened. Know one else knows and that's the way she wants it to stay. She made me swear that I wouldn't tell but I really needed some advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): Sorry babes, that should have read, if she flinches or shows discomfort. Then stop and ask if you are hurting her and if she wants to continue... Continue if she says yes, or stop if she says no...
PS: Her clitoris is her most sensitive spot, it would be perfect if you touch her gently here to get her worked up first..
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): Hi Burningleon,
This is a very nice question you have asked. It is very kind of you to want to bring your girlfriend pleasure and you have tons of courage to turn to us strangers for advice and help..
If she wants to continue allowing you to touch her, it is because she has the courage to get over her fear and she wants to be able to reclaim her right to be intimate with someone. Your girlfriend is being very, very brave, she wants to be able to relax and feel good in your hands, but it's hard. Her body has a normal reaction to tense up, because she is frightened of being hurt, and being touched brings back bad memories...
You and her have already won half the battle, she is already comfortable with you, and you make her feel good. What you need to do now, is to try and keep her in the present moment. Gently push past her fears and barriers, and get her to accept your touch. Next time you touch her, try to get her to keep her eyes on you (you better be smiling or looking loving though) If she flinches or closes up, or dose anything else to show that she's upset, then don't stop, slowly continue because she wants to get over this.
Use lubrication on your fingers, it will make it easier for her to accept your touch.. Whenever she tenses or shows distress, then kiss her lightly on her lips, her eyes, nose and everywhere else on her face. Plenty of gentleness and patience is needed here... You need to keep her fixed on the present.. Ask her who is making love to her, and she should say your name. Ask her this over and over again, and keep on kissing her all the time...
Be very, very gentle and very, very slow. Keep her attention fixed on you, and keep reminding her who you are... If she panics at any point and really can't continue, then just simply stop and do something else, and leave it until next time. Ask her if your hurting her, ask her if it feels good. Keep on asking her questions so you keep her rooted in the present time making love to you, rather than going back to the past of bad memories..
I hope this will help. Try this and please update us on your situation with your girlfriend. She is very lucky to have you, and she knows this, you have been very kind to ask advice to help her heal her pain.... Blessing to both of you, and I wish you both good luck..
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): All you can do is wait. Go until she tells you to stop. I too was molested when I was 3 and it happened with other people until I was 6. I am now 19. I have been with my fiance for 4 years and he just had to take everything one step at a time. You will get fustrated with her at times but dont ever pressure her. When you touch her start with just a regular massage to help her relax and while massaging her touch her softly down there then move away and touch her stomach or leg then make your way back. The whole time talk to her. Tell her how soft she is how beautiful ect.. As far as stopping have the talk before anything happens not during. tell her before you start that if she is uncomfortable then say stop and you will just touch her other places. If you say it during then her head will start to spin and there is a good chance she will start having really bad anxiety.The biggest thing is to let her know it wont bother you no matter how slow she goes. After 4 years of being with my fiance there are still things I have problems with. It just take a lot of time to heal.
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reader, ChiRaven +, writes (31 August 2008):
If she has not already gone through serious professional counseling to help her deal with her trauma, she should do so. Such experiences leave permanent scars, and really do require lots of professional help to get past and make a readjustment. If she is still in counseling, perhaps eventually the two of you might go together to counseling so that you can learn as a couple how to deal with issues of intimacy under these circumstances.
On your own, the best is probably what you are doing already. Take things very slowly and gradually, and let her make the adjustment at every step of the way. Make your body AVAILABLE to her and let her be the one to determine how hard and how fast things move. Don't push it. Let her set the pace.
Also, establish a habit of open dialog between the two of you so that she feels free to tell you at each stage exactly what she wants. That's ALWAYS a good thing to do, and is one of the keys to better and better sex for anybody. For the two of you, it's almost imperative. If she feels free to tell you what's OK and what she wants, you can feel free to satisfy her without the worry that you will inadvertently trigger some hidden traumatic memory inside her. Practice this talking in very simple situations ... when the two of you are kissing, for example. Tell her what you want to do ... that you want to kiss her down by her left earlobe, for example, and have her tell you what she would like you to do. Sounds a bit silly, but it works. It really does. Eventually you reach the point where telling one another what you want during even the most passionate moments becomes almost second nature.
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (31 August 2008):
Read this book:
THe Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz: A Guide For Survivors of Sexual Abuse.
It will explain everything you need to know.
-Frank B Kermit
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