A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend got together young - she was 17 at the time and we have been together 9 years and I'm more in love with her now than i have ever been.A few months ago i started to get the feeling that she was thinking about being with another man. Just things she said and did and we know each other so well. I brought it up with her and sure enough it turned out to be true. She talked about how she doesn't want to get to 40 and be wondering what its like being with another man etc. Strangely I didn't have a problem with this. For some reason I 100% got what she was saying although I have no desire to sleep with anyone else myself, it just made sense to me. Then it came out about a man at her work that liked her that she had never previously spoken about. I said we need to talk everything through first and left it at that.To cut a long story short, she kissed this man without discussing it with me at all and then tried to lie about it afterwards. She said she hated it (which I don’t believe) and it would never happen again but I felt heartbroken. Not for what she did but because literally a day or 2 after talking about it and agreeing that we would discuss things before anything happened she went out and did something. To me it says that there was goings on prior, even if she never actually crossed the line at that time. I’m pretty sure everyone at her work knows and I feel like a fool. Every time i think about it makes my heart ache and I'm almost certain that she will end up sleeping with this man who likes her, and is possibly in love with her - I don’t know. She is amazing and I know if she does anything with him he won’t go away easily. I actually want her to sleep with another man to get it out of her system and avoid problems in our relationship in the future but my thinking was that it would need to be a someone she will never see again like a one night stand or something. Perhaps I’m an idiot for taking such a liberal view.We 100% love each other – that is without question but I’m hurt that she lied or rather failed to tell me about male attention at work. I’ve always considered myself quite laid back when it comes to stuff like that so she knows I wouldn’t have kicked up a fuss. She’s always been so open about things but she seems to be hiding stuff and it’s breaking my heart.I think what I’m trying to say is I don’t mind her having sex with someone else but it would destroy me for her to make love with someone else. And that’s exactly what I see coming.I know she wouldn’t intentionally hurt me and I have been playing down how upset I am by this other man. If I’m honest with myself I think it’s too late to make him go away. Short of finding him and punching his head in, I don’t know what to do.
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at work, heartbroken, no desire, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (23 February 2013):
OP I am sorry but I have to agree with the aunrs and uncles that your relationship may well be close to over. I would go further and suggest that she quite probably has already slept with this guy and she is fishing for you to condone it. I have been there with my first serious relationship. When you are in or used to a sexual relationship and meet someone new it usually moves very quickly from kissing to sex. She probably takes your relationship for granted, got a bit bored with you and excited by anothers attention. You shouldnt be so accepting, whenever we have an affair there is always a big chance that the new partner, however temporary, will be preferred. Talk with your girlfriend and she has to decide if she wants to leave yoi. Simple as that.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (22 February 2013):
 Mate the reason why she went ahead n did this was cause u didnt have the guts to end things. She has gotten closure already. I assure u. Its over. She was not entirely honest with u tho about her feelings which tells me there was communication probs between u two. MOVE ON. This is finished. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 February 2013):
 I come from a swinger lifestyle. I was in an open marriage. IT DID NOT SURVIVE!
The only time folks survive open marriages is when they are NOT doing it to fix a broken relationship.... your relationship is broken right now.... "letting" her have sex with another man will not fix this.
You say you are ok with a one night stand but you won't be. You say you could not bear her making love with another man... well you will never know what she did even if you "give her permission" to have sex with a one night stand... you will always wonder... "did she like him more' "was he better than me"
and any time she is secretive about where she is going or who she is going with you will wonder who she's with and what she's doing.
she's lied to you now... and your trust is broken.... broken trust is so hard to mend... and it's never perfect again....
the reason you guys have suddenly had to have the talk about not taking any action without discussing it first is because you know in your gut that' something is going on.
Otherwise you would have had that talk a long long time ago.
My husband and I from day one discussed this type of thing and discussed keeping things from each other and lies etc.
Op, I know you want to salvage your relationship but I have to say that most of the time what a person wants at 17 is not what they want at 20 or 25 and for sure not what they want at 30
Your relationship may be coming to an end....
let's be honest... let's say next week she says "I'm having dinner with a girlfriend from work" and she doesn't come home till 9 pm. Let's also say that that morning she dressed in something that perhaps you don't see often, or it's a bit special or it's new... will you truly believe she was with "this girl from work you don't know" or whatever....
I'm not trying to make you feel bad... I want you to be realistic based on what my long life experience has shown me...
If you want to try to save it (and i'm not sure you can) I would suggest some couples counseling to work on it....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): ohh man i really dont understand you, i dont understand why you thinking twice about this situation..... plz LIFE IT TOO SHORT TO LET SOMEONE WALK ALL OVER YOU, you must respect yoursef, and plz dont lie to yourself she doesnt love anymore.she wants to sleep with other guy for many reasons, who knows, no matter what she says to you.she already cheat on you ,so what are you expecting for her anymore....well i agree with all other guys who have replied here and i think you MUST dump her, then she will know what is to feel like shit, what is heartache etc....
there are a lot of fishes on sea
go grab one and don't give a fuck for anyone
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): Hi, end the relationship and let her find what she is earching for.If you stay in this relationship and watch her kiss, make out or continue to orge another man you are going to get hurt and feel very betrayed.Its time to give her the space as she has already started down that path. You will be a fool if you stay as she has started to wander outside the relationship and I dont thinks its just sex with another man. Woman want to venture out when they are being satified at another level and yes it does include sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): I hate to be too negative, but it sounds to me like your relationship is already over for all intents and purposes.You situation reminded me of an interview with a guy I heard on NPR a few months ago. If you google npr Kurt Braunohler, you'll get a hit for a transcript of the interview on This American Life.My suggestion is to start asking yourself some hard questions about whether or not you really love this woman, or if you're just afraid of being alone? If you are afraid of being alone, is this a realistic fear? Force yourself to look at the reality of who she is (someone who's stringing you along, cheating, being dishonest with you, etc.). Why would you "love" someone like this?Once you get away from her for awhile you'll probably realize your relationship was actually quite poor.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (21 February 2013):
 No, you do not love each other 100%. Who does this and is happy in their current relationship? Actually she admitted she wasnt happy. So break up for gosh sake. This is ridiculous. Life is too short to let someone walk all over you. If you had done this she would drop you in a heartbeat and don't say she wouldn't because you are fooling yourself. If you want to save this relationship thats fine. But don't sit there and pretend to her and yourself that its ok for her to mess around on the side. NO IT ISN"T!
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (21 February 2013):
 Dude, I'd let this bird go if I were you (and I have!!). She is no longer attracted to you no matter what you think, or what she tells you.She should have had the courtesy to let you go your seperate ways instead of stringing you along and keeping you on the back burner. She is just keeping you around to feed her fragile ego.Don't let the falacy of having been each other's 'first love' dictate to you that this is meant to be, because it's not!! I've walked that road and know how that cycle works. I let the girl go long ago but silly thoughts keep creeping back in my head every now and then.But one thing I know for sure is that if you don't create boundaries for the acceptable/unacceptable in your relations with her, she will never respect you as a man and a lover!!Time to make a choice...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 February 2013):
 'I actually want her to sleep with another man to get it out of her system'.............really!!!!!!
Man your heart was broken when she kissed a guy, why can't you be honest with yourself and admit that her wanting to sleep with another man is going to destroy your relationship??
What's more important to you...having a loving loyal faithful girlfriendor clinging on to one who's shitting all over you just because you don't want to rock the boat??
it's all crap that you love eachother 100% and that you'd let her have sex but not 'make love'...seriously the human emotional balance does not allow for such bullshit. She wants to have sex with someone else man...she's lying to you if she says she loves you 100% for it's surely not the kind of love that's worth jack shit if she's thinking of other men and how to have sex with them.
It will be interesting to see how much smoke it will truly take to cover your eyes completely.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (21 February 2013):
 I think you should have some time apart - a break, let her be free to go with other men. Women don't see sex the way men do there will always be feelings involved. If she loves you she will choose you and come back, if not she wasn't the one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): The fact that there is already deception is a huge warning sign. It's natural for people to be curious about multiple sexual relationships, but for her to allow a relationship with her boss to develop and to not include you into it right away is a huge warning sign.Also, remember... Women do associate sex with emotions and bonds. (This is a sweeping generalization and there are exceptions, but that mainly applies to flings and one-night-stands). She's pursuing something behind your back, so confront her about the issue, and MAKE A FUSS!!! She's your woman! I would be leery of her boss and definitely wouldn't condone her "curiosities" with him. Relationships are about communication, and if she's lying to you, confront her about the lies and make her own up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): I seriously wish there were more guys out there like you .... that trust in the relationship is the key to it all for you. I give you a big thumbs up!!! Now saying that .... i think the only thing you can do is trust your partner and hope that its enough. But from what you have said, you know your partner quite well and the fact that this guy cannot be made to go away suggests she has more feelings to him than just sexual. You have picked that up but maybe she's not telling you that because she's not ready to tell herself it yet. You have been together a long time and i imagine though she is looking elsewhere, she equally doesn't want to lose you too. But for her, is it love ever lasting or stuck in a very comfortable loving ruct?? I don't want you to settle for being her second best, that would be unfair to you both!! I think you need to be frank with her and ask her to be frank with you, ask her what it all means and how it change will things? At least that way you know where you stand. You need to know if she wants to be "free" or whether its just a quick dip in the world that can be worked through.For women, in my experience sex and emotions are always going to be tied .... just got to work how what you want if she does make love to someone else? What if its more than one time or more than one man?? What if its mini relationship on the side but she wants to be forever with you? You need to work out the fall out for you and how that will/won't effect things.Best of luck!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): She would be opening a whole can of worms if she goes ahead and sleeps with someone. It is not a good idea. I know why you are being very fair with her on this, because you don't want to lose her. But you may just lose her anyway. Once she has started something, she may not be able to simply settle for being exclusive to you. Tell her about how all this is making you feel and that, if needs be, you should have a break as a couple. Say 3 months without seeing each other (I would not agree to her sleeping with someone while you are a couple). She may realise that the green isn't actually greener. Or she may not, but it is as well to know one way or the other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): Well, I'm going to be honest with you.
You are too good for your girlfriend.
You love her more than she loves you.
She is just not that into you.
She wants to have sex with another man. She is curious, she is bored, she is unfaithful, she is taking you for granted, she doesnt care about your feelings, she's throwing away your intimacy, she does not love you 100% because she's falling in love with someone else. He's getting at least 15%. And he'll get more, when she sleeps with him. Then he'll dump her, and she'll come back to you.
Dont let that happen. You're a good man. Find yourself a good woman.
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