A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been dating this girl for a little over two months. A few months prior to us starting to date she ended a 5 year relationship with another guy. She said it ended amicably and that they had taken breaks before but this was different. She said months before it actually ended she just lost all romantic interest in him and that he never developed from the person she started dating while she progressed in life. She told me that he still has feelings for her and really wants to get back together but she just wants to be friends.I asked her why she couldn't just move on and let him be but she said that it was 5 years of her life and it is hard to just close all that out. She had a rough upbringing so he was there for her through a lot and knows a lot about her, so she feels comfort in that. She tells me she doesn't want to go back to him though and loves me and wants to build something with me. They don't hang out a lot but they share custody of dogs so sometimes while she is working he will come over and visit with the dogs. They never really cross paths but a couple of times they have gone out to grab a bite to eat together, which kind of sits weird with me. We have actually argued over it a couple times and has been the only disagreement we have had. She has shown me some of the texts he sends and he essentially is telling her she is in a rebound relationship and it won't last and she is wasting her time with me. She has shown me her replies in which she says that he needs to move on because she has and it just isn't a possibility anymore but he keeps persisting.I guess my question is, is it wrong for me to be upset about my current partner wanting to maintain a friendship with an ex that is trying to get back with her? Or am I being irrational and I should have no problem with their friendship? Maybe the way I feel is rooted in some type of insecurity, I'm not sure.I know it is probably different for everyone in situations like these but just some advice on how I could possibly move forward without this being an issue because I don't want to come off as controlling but I don't want her to hang around him and then start to develop feelings again. She has even dropped the "you don't need to worry about him" line which I have seen in many stories that don't end well. Thank you for the advice in advance, anything I will take any and all opinions because I have never been in a situation such as this before so any input is much appreciated.
View related questions:
get back together, her ex, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2022): I noted some very powerful points made by Fatherly Advice and Youcannotbeserious; and I hope you take into account how you're being used by this woman.
Did you catch this one from Honeypie?
"She is talking to HIM about your budding relationship."
Your relationship is none of his business!!! Who do you think she'll go running to every time you guys have a disagreement? I'll give you one guess! He will strategize how to take your relationship apart based on these communications.
Her amicable breakup means it was on good-terms, leaving the door open for reconciliation. Remember she told you they've broken-up and gotten back together before. This is supposed be a motivational push to get him to become what she wants him to be; while you're setting the example of what kind of a man she thinks he should be. Jealousy is an effective tool of manipulation; and she's enjoying the competition for her affections. Going out to eat with her ex like they're still a couple; while you're sitting at home, running all sorts of possible scenarios of what's going-on through your mind.
Sharing pets is a big old steaming hot pile of manure. We're talking about dogs, not kids.
She's using your affections as a temporary residence; while her old relationship is under renovations. As soon as reconstruction of the new and improved version of her ex is complete; it will be check-out time.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 January 2022):
 More red flags than a May day parade.
She tried to change her last partner into something he wasn't. She is still trying.
She has a strong emotional connection with her ex. Shared secrets and shared experience.
They have shared custody of pets.
They are still dating.
He visits her at home.
Communication is not an issue in your relationship. You are communicating just fine. The only thing you need to communicate at this point is that you desire no further contact with her.
This is why. Either she is using you as a tool to change her ex, or she is trying to change you into what her ex wouldn't be. This isn't love it's a project. She has a stronger connection to her ex than she has to you, and she is working every week to keep it strong. She has no intention of ever removing her ex from her life.
The very kindest thing you can do for her is to drop her like a hot potato. She will never run a true loving relationship until she learns to stop trying to change her partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 January 2022):
 If they had both moved on and both had no feelings for each other, then I would say you have nothing to worry about and you should try to learn to live with it. However, NEITHER of them has really moved on and that is worrying. He quite obviously still carries a torch for her and hopes your relationship will fizzle out and he can step in, knowing what he knows about your girlfriend's past, and rekindle their relationship. She is not really over him either, otherwise she would not be allowing him to message her about your relationship without putting a definite stop to it rather than the airy fairy messages she is sending him at the moment. My feeling is, she is keeping him in the background as a "plan B" in case your relationship doesn't work out. The problem is that she is making YOU feel like you are some sort of consolation prize in this threesome.
I also suspect she is quite enjoying the drama of having 2 men fighting over her.
You've only invested a couple of months in this relationship and already it is making you anxious. Is this how you want to be a year down the line, 5 years down the line, longer? Do yourself a favour and tell this girl you are not into threesomes of this kind and let her go to sort out her previous relationship once and for all.
People CAN be friends with ex partners but not when one or both still have feelings for the other.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2022): Here are some key red-flag warnings:
(1.) "She said it ended amicably and that they had taken breaks before but this was different."
They have a pattern of break-up and make up. This cycle continues. If she didn't have feelings, she wouldn't be arguing a case to maintain friendship with someone she knows is dead-set on getting her back. She's sitting pretty in the middle, him doggedly trying to get her back; while she has the added security of someone to keep her company. That's so she doesn't really have to go through all the uncomfortable feelings of withdrawal and loneliness you feel after a breakup. Your role is to be her stand-in and emotional band aid. The perfect example of a rebound-relationship.
(2.) "She told me that he still has feelings for her and really wants to get back together but she just wants to be friends."
She knows he still has feelings; and so does she. She's second-guessing her decision, and keeping him on-hold just in-case. This woman is in her 30's, and she knows good and well he doesn't just want to be friends. He will use every opportunity he can to undermine your budding relationship. He will continue to mess with her head, and woo her by walking down memory lane; and always reminiscing about their good old-days. Their breakup is only months old. She has not gone through the five stages it takes to get-over a breakup and move on. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She is only "in denial" at this point; and using you just as he said. You're a rebound. Five years together, you get to know a person pretty well.
(3.) "I asked her why she couldn't just move on and let him be but she said that it was 5 years of her life and it is hard to just close all that out. She had a rough upbringing so he was there for her through a lot and knows a lot about her, so she feels comfort in that."
Why is she arguing a case to keep him, if she knows it upsets YOU??? If she has no feelings for him, then let him go; and allow him to undergo his stages of getting over their breakup. He's not a delicate little child requiring mothering and coddling. He needs to go mind his own business, and get-on with his life. Just lingering in a faux-friendship, is just a way to keep his foot in the door; while she becomes too confused, or distracted, to bond with you. This kind of situation keeps her feelings up in the air. It's a known fact that he wants her back. You are a man, and you know your romance with her is a blow to his male-ego. No, he does not just want to be friends; and he will do his best to get her in bed. Always keeping you feeling uneasy and suspicious, your relationship always on shaky ground; so you'll be the one to let-go. Friends my eye!!! People get divorces and close a lifetime of years in marriage together. Her argument is weak. She can substitute their co-dependency with getting some therapy; if her childhood was so rough.
(4.) "They never really cross paths but a couple of times they have gone out to grab a bite to eat together, which kind of sits weird with me."
He's still dating her on the sly, and slowly wooing her back; because this is usually how make-up/breakup cycles work. Counting on old feelings to resurface. If it was innocent, he'd get a date; and you'd both go double-dating. The dogs are an excuse, and it will distract you from seeing things for what they are. You can't legitimately breakup with someone without going through a no-contact period. Even when the breakup is amicable. Human emotions are unpredictable; and she cited 5 years together as a reason she can't just drop it. That's not much of a convincing argument. He wasn't her husband, he was a boyfriend. If she's not over him yet; then you'd do yourself a favor to let her go.
(5.) "She has shown me some of the texts he sends and he essentially is telling her she is in a rebound relationship and it won't last and she is wasting her time with me."
Why would you want your girlfriend to be friends with someone who calls your relationship a rebound-relationship, and considers you a waste of her time???
That wasn't a compliment. That's how he feels about it.
(6.) "She has shown me her replies in which she says that he needs to move on because she has and it just isn't a possibility anymore but he keeps persisting."
If she has to keep telling him to move on, why won't she let him? Instead of dangling the carrot of friendship over his head; while trying to hang-on to you as a pain-killer.
She is mature enough to make a choice. I would place her in the position of making a choice; based on all the points I've touched-on that you yourself mentioned in your post. You made your move too soon, and should know better than to seriously date a woman fresh out of a breakup. Look what you're dealing with. She argues with you over her ex; that's the worse sign ever! Then you'll have to deal with her sneaking behind your back; if you insist that she makes a choice, and stops seeing him.
I really can't see how this will workout; mainly because you didn't give her enough time to get-over her last relationship. You do own some responsibility here; and your male-ego doesn't want to giver her up, and you'd rather compete. You're all too old for this, you're not a little after-school TV-drama teenage love-triangle. You're all adults, and she's a bit of a female-player. Having her cake and eating it too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2022):
 I have to agree with Kenny.
She isn't over him. While she claims that she isn't romantically interested in him, she wants to keep him around in her life. He is her backup. She knows HE wants her if things with you don't work out. They have 5 YEARS worth of history and memories. You have.... 2 months.
2 months in and you are already having fights, OVER the ex. And she claims "you don't need to worry about him". Yeah nah, I'd walk away now.
She is absolutely monkey branching here, as in going from guy to guy with little to no break in between. Because SHE doesn't want to be alone.
She told you they had had breaks before. So that is a thing with them. To break up or have a "break" and then get back together.
She is talking to HIM about your budding relationship. So in a sense you are a 3rd wheel in a relationship. and to be frank here, I DO think he is right and YOU are a rebound for her.
If you are BOTH in your 30's you know this isn't going to end well. She might run back to him, she might monkey branch to the next guy once she IS really ready to date seriously.
And in your 30's you BOTH know that keeping exes around is rarely a good idea, correct? Especially an ex who WANTS her back! He is going to try his best to sabotage your relationship.
With all this said, I can understand that you don't want to be controlling. So don't be. Besides YOU CAN NOT control her OR her BF. It's NOT a BF or GF's "job" to tell their partner who they can be friends with. THEY (the GF/BF) should KNOW what is appropriate and what is detrimental to a relationship in terms of "friends".
YOU can control yourself, your actions, and your choices.
So if I were you I'd tell her that you understand she wants her ex in her life but that YOU do not want to be a 3rd wheel in your own relationship. That you wish her well but this is not going to work out for you.
Then you end it. You have only invested 2 months with her and it's just not working out. Accept that and move on to someone who is EMOTIONALLY and otherwise available.
She isn't.
Also, I wanted to add this.
You said: " Maybe the way I feel is rooted in some type of insecurity, I'm not sure."
No, you are NOT insecure because you don't want HER ex to be rooting around in your relationship.
No, it doesn't make you insecure to not be OK with this ex. You don't know HER well enough to trust her or even KNOW her boundaries, her values, morals, and really how she feels. SHE might not even know that because she hasn't given herself time to heal after a relationship of 5 years ended, she just jumped on the next available branch/guy (you) and think she can just continue dragging the ex with her.
It isn't about YOU potentially feeling "insecure" - it's about you two NOT being a good fit because something as FUNDAMENTAL as letting go of an ex is something you don't agree on. SHE is making the relationship insecure.
Now I'm not saying that no one can EVER keep in touch with an ex or even become friends with an ex. I think it's highly possible. But she is BARELY out of that last relationship. There is still something going on there. HE still has deep feelings for her. He wants her back. And SHE wants to keep him around. For HER sake.
I think you deserve better from a potential partner.
This girl was a miss. Try again with someone else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2022): Friend, if she's wanting to be friends with her ex that she went with for 5 years, BEWARE. I think you probably realize that she misses him and, more than likely, wants to get back with him. She is probably secretly seeing him anyway and he is probably even fucking her again. IF that isn't happening now, I can promise that it will happen if they become friends again. Don't you think so too?
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 January 2022):
 I believe that you should not start another relationship with someone else until you are 100% over the last one.
In my opinion she was not ready to start a relationship with you as i think it was too soon, maybe the ex was right when he said she is in a rebound relationship.
I don't think that you are being irrational, far from it, she is still in constant contact with her ex, and has even been for something to eat with him. I think to start a fresh new relationship with someone this is unacceptable.
She has not got children with him, so i think after the relationship ended with him the should have finalised things with him, and sorted some arrangement with this dogs that would not infringe on subsequent relationships.
Communication is key here, you have every right to say your unhappy about this to her. have the conversation with her, and if you feel nothing is changing and he still remains a part of her life then you may want to consider if this relationshop is really for you.
...............................
|
