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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been dating my gf for over 3 years and we have a great relationship. I love her deeply and we are planning on getting engaged soon. We never really argue or fight about anything but if there was one thing that bothered me about us, would be the sexual side of things. While our relationship is a lot more than physical stuff, her "phobia of penis" is causing me alot of strife. While we agreed not to have sex before marriage, we still do just about everything else, with her that is. I finger her and give her oral many times a month, but she is still not comfortable with my penis. I get a hand job maybe once a month if I'm lucky and after three years, I have never gotten head from her. I don't want to force her to do something she really doesn't want to do, but is there any suggestions out there for making her not think my penis is disgusting and gross and want to do stuff with it more? I am not going to force her into to doing it, I just want her to feel more comfortable with it. Thanks a lot for the suggestions in advance.PS Its not just my penis (I am not a freak or anything) but penises in general.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): Been having this issue for 10 years. Its pretty much ruined our marriage. Its kept very clean, shaved, no diseases or sores or weird shit. She just says "all penis is gross" There has been no sexual abuse our anything like that all. Sick of hearing about all of my friends who treat women like shit get head everyday and there is nothing I can do .
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male
reader, tabula_rasa  +, writes (13 January 2012):
I was raised Roman Catholic by an Irish mother with a brother and two sisters, all younger than me. My mother went to a private Catholic School and my father was an ignorant farmer that spent his adult life thinking that he married up: Alcoholic Viet-Nam vet.So, from this, I'm going to tell you how SICK our family was about body and sex and modesty and how deeply my family was brainwashed with body shame.I have one memory of seeing my mother's breast from when I was 3 1/2 and she was nursing my newborn sister. I have otherwise never even seen her bras and underwear even in the laundry. We were taught to LOCK the bathroom door and lock our bedroom doors. My niece, Hanah, was instructed to cross her legs when she sat at age 3 because "uncle Sean doesn't need to see 'down there'" despite the fact that I've changed her diapers and wiped shit off her butt when she was going through the whole potty training thing... she was SO embarrassed that she couldn't figure out how to wipe her own butt and made me promise not to tell her mother, my sister, that I had to help her out. (I did, of course, tell Erin about the problem.)While most children go through stages of body curiosity, curiosity in religious families are met with harsh admonitions. To be curious is to be bad."Penis is gross" is something that is taught. Girl's are TAUGHT to say, "eww."My own girlfriend is endlessly fascinated by my penis and the POWER she has over it: SHE makes it get hard. SHE is able to make it ejaculate.SHE likes how it makes her feel: Inside of her, making her have an orgasm... She's in control.I suggest backing away from sex and getting more into talking and little steps of "truth, or dare" with an environment where she's not expected to do anything she doesn't want to do.Take a bubble bath, together, with NO expectations of sex... even if she offers, say no.Buy Massage Oil and offer a massage, but sex is out of the question.If you're sleeping in the bed, together, stroke her hair, face, etc... tell her what you like about HER body. Each part.Tell her how AMAZING it is that your body and hers go together. How BOTH your bodies were designed for each other.Then, ASK her when was the first time she saw a penis and be careful of the minefield of possible sexual abuse. Talk about earlier experiences and gain her trust: No pressure.YOUR needs can be handled by your hand. HER needs involve feeling safe.
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male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (17 July 2006):
 I've written about this before and I'll write about it again.
Two types of people in this world
SEX PEOPLE - they're into sex
Others - they're not into sex
Someone who isn't a sex person can't become one... Ever. If you want to enjoy sex, you can't marry someone who isn't a sex person. Let her find a matching partner who is also not into sex.
Maybe you need to re-evaluate exactly what you're getting out of this relationship, because harsh (but fair) though it may sound, you're actually nothing more than "posh friends" if you're not screwing.
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male
reader, Martyrmachine +, writes (17 July 2006):
 I had a case like this, although not as severe. my girlfriend avoided going there, until i had enough and told her, TOLD HER thati hated to be the only one who was actually doing 'stuff' in the relationship.that's why you should tell her how you feel, ofcourse not directly, i mean you cant say ''i've had enough, give me head now, or f*** off.'' (obviously), so just have a calm talk. THis would also be good, as it increases your confidence about talking about htings with your girlfriend. after i told my girlfriend, it seemed like the whole thing turned around, she doesnt let me do anything, instead she is now the dominant force. :Dso my advice - talk to her about it. let her feel comfortable with it, but there is also another thing about oral sex from girls - some of them find it extremely degrading, making them feel like sluts, and would make you seem like a dick, if you demanded it. i mean if she doenst wanna you cant force her.O:
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): I liked your clarification at the end there, lol. Anyways, have you ever asked her why she is uncomfortable with your penis? Maybe knowing the reason can help you to find a solution. Although I know it's hard to be completely on the giving end and never on the recieving end, you have to give her time to warm up to your penis. Maybe try letting her examine it and play with non-sexually so that she can get to know it and feel more comfortable with it. My fiance` used to be extremely uncomfortable around my parts and finally I had it and demanded to know why. I found out that it was simply because he had never actually seen it before. So I let him look and it really helped turn our sex life around. I find myself on the recieving end a lot more often now. Don't expect any instant gratification. You have to be patient and let your girlfriend become more familiar with your penis. Your sex life will slowly become more equal, but not overnight.
I wish you the best of luck with this. I hope everything works out okay. Stay cool!
~RJGirl
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