A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a relatively inexperienced guy when it comes to sex. I have watched a lot of porn. I have read a lot about it both in books and on the Internet. I have friends in alternative lifestyles who exposed me to a lot of things in conversations - and sometimes even at parties. However, when it comes down to actually having sex I haven't had a lot of opportunities I have accepted. I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. I would say our sex life is okay. She is not that adventurous in my mind. She likes sex with the lights off. She is completely quiet during sex. She likes sex on the bed only, or standing up bent over the bed, although I've tried to initiate in the shower or in the kitchen or on the couch of floor. She doesn't like oral (giving or receiving.) She tried anal twice with me and didn't like it too much. She almost never initiates. I can count on one hand how many times.I would say I am more willing to experiment in bed than she is despite she is more experienced than I am. I tried to introduce a vibrator, which she did not like. I like to rub ice on her body. I like to talk dirty. I tried a cock ring. It was great for me, but did nothing for her except I lasted longer. I suggested licking chocolate off of her, which she didn't care for. I buy her sexy lingerie to wear. It sits in the drawer as she says it is pointless since I will undress her anyway and she prefers to be nude.Where she is adventurous is that she used to sleep with men in certain situations when she didn't know them well. Going to a club and screwing a handsome stranger is hot for her. Having a threesome is a big fantasy for her. She never did it, but she says she had two guys make out with her once and it was hot to feel both of their mouths on her neck and feel their hands on her. She once (when we barely started dating) suggested we find a third, but that's not my style. She says she likes being tied up and blindfolded, but when I did it for her she said it seemed "strange" for me to do that to her and didn't like it.She says that I make her orgasm occasionally by using my hands on her clit (while penetrating her or not), but that it is difficult for her. She says her last boyfriend before me was terrible and never made her orgasm. However, she said that she has been with some men (short flings) who made her orgasm easily. She can't really articulate what it is that they did to her. It was more like just a mood and an atmosphere which evoked certain feelings and maybe her acting like a bit of a slut, too, which got her off. She says that she can't be a slut with me, because of the love that we share, and she doesn't want me to have a low opinion of her. More to the point, she says that sex with me was good when I was a new lover to her, but now that we are familiar it is boring and that it was never GREAT to begin with. She says not to worry, because she loves me, but I can tell she is sexually frustrated, too, and desires sex with me less and less often. I asked her how I can improve as a lover and she didn't know. She said that either you have it or you don't and that while I am a great guy who tries hard I am just not a guy that inspires her to great heights in bed. I don't believe that for a second (that lovemaking cannot be improved through experimentation and honest effort.) I think so much of what gets her off is rooted in thinking that a new man finds her desirable which boosts her confidence, self-esteem, and sexuality. Having sex with a guy who she knows she will have to see next week takes it down a notch for her and we are past the point in our relationship where she gets an ego boost from having sex with me and getting me off. In that sense, I think we are wired differently in sexual terms.I realize sex changes as relationships mature. this is the longest for the two of us. Any advice? We are considering sex therapy.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 July 2011):
 Hey, sorry for jumping in late on this question. I need to tell you though, you're not a bad lover. She is. Really. Don't believe me? You should. She's a bad lover, she's bad in bed, in fact she's horrible. Sex is between two people, but she treats sex like something you alone are in charge of, while she can lay there as a mattress and not have to lift a finger. She doesn't DO anything herself to improve things, she doesn't initiate sex, she isn't passionate about it, she never was (it wasn't you being bad from the start, it was her being bad from the start), and she's getting less and less interested. She's getting less interested not because YOU are bad, but because she herself is a bad lover.
A good lover gives. As it sounds, you give and give, while she takes and takes. She doesn't like giving, she doesn't like recieving, she wants things only her way, yet she complains that you don't do enough. Excuse me, but what exactly is she doing? Just laying there? I thought as much.
Sex is never boring when you're good in bed. If you're happy with it is is because you are content, you are a good lover who makes sure he enjoys the sex, does what makes him happy, and is eager to please his partner. She on the other hand doesn't do what makes her happy, doesn't know what makes her happy, wants you to read her mind yet denies you to do things (no oral, no sex outside the bed, no lights, no excitement). Then what exactly does she want from you???
So, logically you can see, it's not about you at all. Im sorry to tell you this, but your girlfriend is bad in bed. She's got only herself to blame. And it's horrible of her to pretend you are the problem. The only problem here is herself.
She treats sex in a bad way, and gets an ego boost from it... That's not what sex is about. She's got some self esteem issues, and some low and weird wired thought of sex. She doesn't want to act like a "slut" and make you think low of her? Pardon me? That's crap. Sex between two loving partners is never about being a slut, nor is it something you should ever be thought low of. Not between two respectful partners.
She's got issues, and it's not you. It's herself. She needs to work on this and stop blaming you for it. If she can't figure it out then you are better of finding a partner who knows how to treat sex right, and knows not to blame their partner for their own problems.
You're great in bed. Don't think you're not. Get your girlfriend and yourself in sex therapy, it could help, if you can afford it. An outside view might get to why she's treating sex in this weird way.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (7 July 2011):
 If you've dated her for three years, you may have some idea of her emotional issues. I'd say addressing those is important, but other posters have covered that.
For the sex, try to bang her like she was new all over again. Like she was a one-night stand and you never had to see her again, like you don't even know her first name. Take her out, have a nice time, dance, drink, sneak in a five or ten second kiss here and there, just generally have fun and be physical. When you get home, kiss her again in the car, then out of it, and kiss her and grab her ass on the way to the door, and open the door while making out. Pick her up, take her clothes off en route from the front door to the bedroom, then stop outside of it and go down on her while she stands up for a minute or two before pulling her into bed and screwing. Really screwing, like "I'm not embarrassed because I won't see your face ever again."
Basically, bring the out-of-control passion into it, rather than the slow and gentle lovemaking she's responding poorly to. Always better to mix in a good rogering with the regular lovemaking.
Ultimately, it's her problem, even if it's affecting you. She's responsible for her own pleasure, doubly so after you've offered so many ways to try and make things better for her. What I was suggesting is just one more thing you can try for her, and by itself is just a temporary fix. The deeper issue is outside the bedroom.
Would I be correct in guessing that you are attentive to her emotional needs, that you listen when she speaks, are willing to cuddle, and do non-sexual things together? If so, more of the same is not the answer. You're giving her plenty of affection; she needs passion and dominance from you (not domination, or domineering). Be a bit more of a jerk. Focus on your own time. Get a physical hobby like martial arts or rock climbing, all on your own. Continue to listen to her legitimate complaints, but laugh off the trivial ones. Go about your regular business and see your friends without bothering to get her permission, or even tell her. In short, be more confident and difficult for her to control, see if that works for her. If you're already giving her the emotional intimacy she needs, than the remaining need would be for passion, drama, and general dynamism in your life. See if that helps things.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 July 2011):
 "....she says that sex with me was good when I was a new lover to her, but now that we are familiar it is boring and that it was never GREAT to begin with."
Orgasm is related entirely to the state of the mind OP. Your girlfriend does not orgasm with you, because she has conditioned herself to think that she cant. For her, a toe-curling sex session involves a hot stranger or something that is different (threesome). Its not you or what you can or have done for her, its all in HER mind.
Do you know why she says that sex was good when you were a new lover? Because there was an element of novelty. Do you know why she says it was never THAT good with you? Because she knew instinctively that you were someone whom she would fall in love with, someone who was safe and good for her. Her thrills come from the unknown, sometimes dark world of sex, not from the known, safe confines of a partner.
All of us view sex differently OP. Personally for me, sex follows love. I can only think about having sex with someone I'm in love with and in a committed relationship. But people are different and your GF views it in another way.
You are absolutely right when you say that lovemaking can be improved through experimentation and honest effort, BUT, again, its all in the mind. You can try all you want, but unless she WANTS it to be good, it wont be. There are times I can orgasm very easily with my BF, while at times when I'm stressed or not in the mood, it takes ages for me to orgasm. That doesnt mean he's doing something wrong, it means I am not responding the way I normally do.
Sex therapy will benefit both of you. Once she gets over her mental block, it will all be fine.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (7 July 2011):
This is a great post, it is an example to anyone who has a problem in a relationship, in that you outline the problem without blame, you show that you are willing to take various steps to resolve the problem, and you don't view yourself as the problem. Many people in this situation would naturally assume it was something they were doing wrong (or their partner) especially around sex, and especially when your partner says "you are not a good lover". You have an attitude which is that you want to become a better lover, you don't believe that there is nothing that can be done to improve your love making, and most importantly, you don't necessarily accept that you aren't a good lover, that it is somehow all your fault that the love making between you two isn't what you want it to be. That's a very healthy attitude and one that is most likely closest to the truth of the reality of your sexual relationship.
I think you are spot on that part of what makes a great lover for her, and an exciting sexual experience, has to do with new experiences, spontenaety, circumstances and location, role play, and lots of factors that don't have anything to do with the actual person involved, and that these factors are related to her confidence and self esteem. In other words, the lack of satisfaction in your sexual relationship has to with factors that don't concern you, in a sense it has to do with how you are both individually wired. You are also correct in that this is something you can work at, and you can both find a way together to create the sexual relationship you want. It can be a fun journey to discover this, it is confronting and difficult at times, but it doesn't have to feel like work, or like a chore.
Seeking out a sex therapist is one way to do this, it might be a good idea in your case as you both sound like you have a good connection to each other. Think of it as getting a personal trainer, for your sex life instead of your fitness, it is using a resource. If it works for you great, if not there are other things you can try too. You might be more ready to face your fears than your partner, who has indicated she finds it easier to put the responsibility and the blame on to you rather than take responsibility for it, and that is has been easier for her to remain sexually unfulfilled than to confront the issue head on. That is just a presumption based on your post, it may not be true just a hunch.
Based on your post, it sounds like you guys have a great shot at developing the sexual relationship you are both looking for, provided you both have the courage required to face your fears as they come up in therapy if that is the route you want to choose. Keep in mind that the possibility exists that things may not improve, that something in the chemistry doesn't work, it can happen, but I think if you can work at it together as a team you will come out on top :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): "Where she is adventurous is that she used to sleep with men in certain situations when she didn't know them well."
Big warning sign...problems with intimacy. By the way, the stranger doesn't have to be very handsome or hot for the sex to be "good", its the "thrill fuck" with a stranger....who doesn't know anything about her (she doesn't want the guy to know her...see...it's not intimate).
"She says that she can't be a slut with me, because of the love that we share, and she doesn't want me to have a low opinion of her."
Again, warning of intimacy problems, her view on sex is that it is "not good".
"She said that either you have it or you don't and that while I am a great guy who tries hard I am just not a guy that inspires her to great heights in bed."
Again, she doesn't understand sex, and has major intimacy issues. She's so far from right on this that she couldn't be more wrong.
"I think so much of what gets her off is rooted in thinking that a new man finds her desirable which boosts her confidence, self-esteem, and sexuality. Having sex with a guy who she knows she will have to see next week takes it down a notch for her and we are past the point in our relationship where she gets an ego boost from having sex with me and getting me off."
Right on target...you couldn't be more exact on this. Now, she has to be intimate. She doesn't need sexual therapy, she and you need couples therapy, but don't hold your breath. She may not talk there either, many people just won't talk. The therapist/counselor will need to really work hard to get her to talk, and you will need to make sure that she knows that you are accepting of her (doesn't mean you will stay with her, but will accept her in the end for what she is and if you do leave you will leave as friends).
? Child Abuse (Sexual or Otherwise)
? History of Rape
? Neglect as a child
? Alcoholic or Drug Using Parents
? Sexual Orientation Fears (As in "Oh, My God, I'm afraid I'm a lesbian!")
? Family of Origin Issues
? Drug or Alcohol Use
? Numerous Sexual Partners (hundreds)
? Early Sexualization (12, 13, Younger)
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 July 2011):
 Whoa, whoa, whoa...
I would say your gf has some nerve to blame YOU for HER lack of excitement or orgasms.
You have done several key things here to address pleasing her.
*You have taken initiation to bring new and different things to your sex life.
*You have asked for guidance on what ELSE you could do to make things exciting that you have not already offered.
I am STRONG suspecting this is more mental and emotional for her.
I believe that it is up to BOTH people to explore what is pleasureable for themselves as well as the other person. No lover should ever blame the other for not climaxing unless it is out of selfishness to not even BOTHER to try.
You may be on target in thinking that her sexual high is when sex is a shiney new toy, unexplored territory, or part of a chase. She is bored and she needs to take some responsibility too to turn it around.
How is the REST of the relationship emotionally?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): Freeme makes an excellent point.
It also sounds like she is a total M (masochist).
You keep saying how you discussed xxx with her and tried xxx with her.
What about doing some kind of rape fantasy and not telling her? One day when you are together spring sex on her randomly (start in your apartment) and keep going if she seems to refuse (obviously there are extents to this). Maybe have some ropes and stuff ready. You might also try something like having her sleep alone in the bedroom while you camp out in the living room, then come in at a random time of the night and initiate sex.
(And before anyone panics, I only say to do this since he is in a committed relationship....)
To sum up; less discussion and less "trying it as a couple", and more excitement and more making her feel like a used sex object (a turn on for some men and women)
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (6 July 2011):
 I confess I only read half of your post. I got half way through and immediately started wondering if you are trying to have sex for the sake of sex, or if you are attending to her emotional needs. In my experience, women become more interesting in the bedroom, when their man is in tune with their needs. Their needs may have nothing to do with sex. She might just want you to spend the evening listening to her day. (Just shut up and listen, don't offer her advice.) That's just a guess to get you going in the right direction. It sounds to me, that your execution isn't the problem, you are the problem. Sorry to be brutally honest, but that's what it sounds like to me.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 She may have different "expectations" than you have.common thing It might be a reasonable thought to take a break from each other for a month or so.
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