A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:To give context I am 23, and my third year anniversary with my girlfriend is next weekend.Last week we were chatting in bed and she casually said that I physically do not turn her on. I didn't really respond as I wasn't sure what to say at the time. All the lights were off so she wouldn't have seen any expressions on my face (if I happened to show any grimaces) and we easily chatted for another 15 minutes before falling asleep.But, I was quite upset. It was difficult but I managed to continue talking without sound hurt, as if everything was fine. I appreciated the lights being off :pIt has made me feel low and my self esteem has taken a hit. I have not asked her any follow up questions such as 'If I do not turn you on physically, do you have no attraction to me other than my personality?'. Anyways, should I be upset or am I overthinking this? Yes I am fully aware that there is more to attraction than appearance, but since we are both 23, I do not want to commit to a relationship/marriage where there is no physical spark to match a mental connection.I also feel if I am not her type physically, then we should break up now as it's better that we both try to find people who we are physically and mentally attracted to, considering we are relatively young and have our lives to live.I also want to protect myself from being hurt further down the road if she does not find me attractive, she may lose interest due to the strains of life (family, work etc)Tl/dr my girlfriend said that I don't physically turn her on. Should I be worried?
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anniversary, self esteem, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): I'm going to weigh in with a different perspective here. Before I give my opinion, here are some questions for you to reflect on. Does she come onto you and initiate intimacy or is it always you? When you do get intimate, how into it is she? Does she suggest positions, have favourite things that you do to her? Would you honestly say she's enthusiastic about being intimate with you? Or is it more a sibling type of love?Some women love and are attracted to men for their personalities more than their physique. That means while she would not necessarily be turned on by your hypothetical naked twin brother, she is turned on by YOU because of how you personally make her feel emotionally. It could also be that while she doesn't think you're George Clooney, she still loves you just the same because you're you.Ofcourse she phrased herself poorly and it was an incredibly hurtful thing to say. My point is before taking her comment at face value, make sure she didn't mean something else. Ask what she meant when she said that.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 November 2014):
 Ouch. That stings. I agree with your concerns and I think you're on to the right ideas. If she's not physically attracted to you, then you and her should not be together. It appears to not be an issue for her, since she can talk about it so easily as in a "btw" sort of way. Which makes me thinks that this is, sadly, the way it's always been for her. If there was something that suddenly caused her to not be attracted to you physically then the logical thing would have been for her to talk to you about it and have a sincere discussion about it. But it appears this is not an issue for her at all, hence why I believe it's been like this from day one for her.
There are surely other things she is attracted too, just not your appearance. And this might be good enough for her to last a life time, but it is not good enough for you. And I think, she might be a bit naive if she honestly thinks this will be good enough for you (and for her as well). I'm with you on this, there should be both physical and mental attraction. Especially if you are thinking long term and marriage. It appears, she's not the one for you. And perhaps, you were never the one for her, but she settled for reasons only she knows.
Try not to take it to heart. So you're not a good match. But I do not think she meant any harm, it's just that she is naive and doesn't know yet what matters and what doesn't matter. Maybe to her looks do not matter, maybe she is a pansexual who is only attracted to personalities. Yet, to you it matters. She should have respected that by telling you this a long time ago, but unfortunately she doesn't have the life experience to know what would matter to others.
You need to tell her that this matters to you. And you need to tell her that, as much as you love her, love alone is not enough. You want, and deserve, to be with a partner who likes all of you, not just your personality, but who is also attracted to your body.
No need to stay enemies over this though, talk about it and perhaps be friends even. But you know you can not continue in a relationship with her knowing she was never attracted to you. It'll hurt more and more each day, and cause resentment. You will not be happy, and neither will she.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): You don't say whether you actually have a physical relationship - sex? - with your girlfriend, so it's impossible to know if she is referring to your looks or to the way you behave in bed. In any case, I am pretty sure that any woman who is happy with the way her partner treats her sexually will pretty soon not care all that much what he looks like.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (10 November 2014):
I think that your case for breaking up with her is a good one. Marriage is difficult, and physical attraction is pretty important to staying interested.
But, breaking up with her may not be the best solution. Maybe your issue is fixable. Are you overweight? If you lose some weight she might be all over you.
Talk with her about it if you're brave enough (but prepare to be hurt). If you don't think everything else about her is pretty much perfect I'd move on.
Keep in mind that everyone has different tastes. What she finds attractive is different from what other people do. So her not being attracted to you doesn't mean you're unattractive to every woman.
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