A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am living with my boyfriend. All I can go on is my suspicions. I've read numerous articles about spotting behaviors that would point to a man having an affair, but those behaviors don't show in my boyfriend.He has talked about marriage with me.I DO know he has lied to me in the past and I have become attuned to his pattern of lying.He has talked non stop about a divorced younger female coworker. It's apparent he is attracted to her the way he talks about her and dwells on her so much talking about her great beauty. He mentions her several times a month to me.He has come home with scratch marks on his neck and bruises on his arms and wrists. He told me he didn't know how the marks got there. I FELT he was lying--call it my sixth sense. I haven't seen any evidence since.That is all I have.I know some men can be very slick about covering their tracks and the girlfriends or spouses "NEVER" find out.He rarely talks to me about work, except for this female coworker.I don't have access to his cell or computer. I just can't make myself go there to break into these. Call it values or morals.All articles say not to say anything, until you have proof of an affair. BUT what if you never find any proof.I hate the limbo and wondering the most. It can drive a woman crazy, the not knowing.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2014):
 He's lied in the past. I think it's fantasy to think that you can have a long and happy and low conflict life together.....
You're 41-50?
Why stick around when you know your heart is not in it?
Life is short.....You don't trust him, that's toxic. You don't have access to his electronic life? Seems, er, well, un-trusting.
I'd let this one go.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 November 2014):
 Quite honestly, why do you need proof??
If the relationship is not good, and he lies to you regularly so much that you have become attuned to a lying pattern, then why isn't that enough for you to kick him to the curb?!
I wouldn't put up with a liar of a partner. I would resent the entirety of the need to become attuned. Why wouldn't that be enough? I'm not talking about a guy who had to do some fast thinking to cover up the fact that he forgot his wife's birthday or whatever... but a lying pattern coupled by excessive praise of another woman's beauty several times a month, and I would have been gone long before I had a chance to obsess about "proof".
You are in no cage. You can leave at any time. That's one of the drawbacks of living with someone - they get accustomed to becoming not financially independent and are forced to live with things nobody should live with.
I'd say "screw proof" and leave. You don't need it! All you need is a compulsive liar and a miserable relationship. Your ego wants to know if he's cheating on you, but what would you gain anyways? If you're saying "I need to know", then ask yourself why? If he's already mistreating you by lying, then what are you still doing with him?
Lying isn't sweet and innocent. Lying patterns are crap. I would ask him if he praised you in her presence as much or more than he praises her in your presence, and how would he like it if you started gushing about a man in your life and praising his physical body?? Guys tend to lose sight of things when they are faced with a possible breach in their "territory".
But I wouldn't even go that far. I would drop a compulsive liar faster than I could say "Honey, are you cheating with her?". Heh. No need to care if he's no longer significant in your life.
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A
female
reader, thisgirldances  +, writes (10 November 2014):
 Hello my dear. Sorry you are feeling this way. I really empathize. There is nothing more hurtful or earth shattering for a woman than to suspect/find out the man she loves is having sex with someone else. So hugs for feeling this way. I think it is the worst feeling on earth. I have been in your shoes.You say you have no proof?I will give you two pieces of proof. #1 and the most damming is the scratch marks on his neck and bruises on his arms and wrists. AND the icing on this one is that he claims he does not know how they got there. Hmmmmm.And #2. The fact he talks about this other younger, ATTRACTIVE, divorced female co-worker. The fact he mentions her at all is another red flag.You do not have exact proof... you would only get that by catching him in the act or by seeing concrete proof in the form of a text or email. But the two things I have mentioned are RED FLAGS. Signs to keep your eyes open. I am sorry. Wish I could have better news but I just want to be honest. You will need to find out because you do not want to continue with a lying, cheating boyfriend on your hands. It will only get worse for you I'm afraid.His bruises and scratches would have been more believable had he had a good reason and was able to tell you what it was right away. He is avoiding the truth by pretending he does not know how they got there. How could he NOT KNOW?If I was you, I would go snoop on his phone and computer. Values and morals aside. Does he have any if he has been cheating?? You owe it to yourself to find out the truth. Put your values and morals aside and do what you need to do. Once and only once you have the evidence in hand, confront him. At the end of the day, if he is cheating, do you not deserve better? You know you do. So that means you need to get to the truth.And I would take it a step further. I would follow him around. See where he goes. Who he is with. Can you hire a P.I?Knowing you have some red flags and "clear and present danger" so to speak, you will now have your eyes open. Watch what he does. Watch changes in behaviour. Changes in him. Changes in his sexual appetite. How attentive he is towards you. Or less. Does he "work late" or work longer hours lately? Do you still go out and have fun together? Is he distancing himself from you emotionally and/or sexually? All of these little clues will begin to add up and piece together the big picture which equals the truth.However, let's also keep in mind that good liars know exactly what to do to throw you off their trail. They will act the same as always. Give you the same attention and treat you well. Because they are trying not to get caught. Everything they do and say is premeditated to keep you happy and under lock and key. In an ignorant bliss so to speak. He has his main girl because he still wants to keep her but likes a play thing on the side. Not unheard of. So this is also a possibility. You may have a master liar/charmer/player on your hands who is an expert at his craft. So keep this in mind as well. Never, ever, ever let your guard down. But do your homework. I can recall a saying which says "A jealous woman does better research than the FBI." No statement can be truer than this!So do your research. I think the evidence you have so far is not in favour of his innocence. And you must keep digging until you find out the truth.Keep us posted.Take Care. I really hope your gut is wrong. But just know that a woman's gut is rarely wrong. Trust it, ok?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 November 2014):
People get bruises and scratches from day to day life FAR more than from sex.
Worry about the co-worker when he suddenly STOPS talking about her.
Talking about someone you work with a few times a month is not a big deal and means only that he feels comfortable talking to you. Don't make him regret it on such flimsy coincidences.
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