A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with a new girl for a few months. Tonight we were drinking a little bit and I told her how much I enjoyed being with her. She asked me if I was getting mushy and I told her that I was and that she needed to cope with it. I did tell her a few "mushy" things after that. She said it was okay if I get "mushy" (her word) as long as I don't do it too often. I sort of took that in a bad way as if she was saying she didn't want to get emotionally attached. I do feel some emotions for her. What confuses me is whether she really wants me to just reign that back in and we'll just have a physical thing (which we have had) or if she also has some feelings for me but maybe I am a a little bit ahead of her. If this is just going to be some sort of physical thing I could deal with that, but I sort of felt like a fool tonight. I thought we had a connection. What happens next? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): You do both refer to yourselves as girlfriend and boyfriend, right? If she doesn't, then that might be why.
If she does call you her boyfriend, then maybe she's not used to mushiness! Everyone's different.
Some girls like their guys to be emotional when together, some girls don't. Some might find it clingy.
You could ask her if it's not her thing, if she doesn't like it or if it's not something she's used to. I wouldn't try to guess what she's thinking though, because you'll only assume the worst!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): Maybe she thought a proposal was brewing.
Maybe subliminally she is ahead of you.
But she knows its too soon. As do you!
So dont redefine it just yet but slow down on the alcohol.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 Hmm I guess you just need to ask her, Hey where is this headed? Are you wanting a relationship or just some fun? That should give you your answer. It is possible that she just doesn't like being soppy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): Everyone is overthinking this.
If you are 'mushy' then you are too easy. No challenge. Not manly. Etc. That is usually an unattractive quality in a guy, especially for girls this age.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): It sounds like she wants to be friends with benefits, not your girlfriend. Perhaps you might have laid it on a little thick, and some women are a little wary of sweet-talk from men. She's a mature woman, and guarded against men telling her what they think she wants to hear. Often women get disappointed, or it just seems like the wine talking.
It is also possible she would prefer actions over the words. This is a new relationship. In any case, keep reigns on your feelings for her, until you know you're both on the same page. Very often people agree to a monogamous commitment; while still very much undecided. A one-sided deal where they want you to be exclusive; while they sit on the fence, just in-case something better might come their way.
I'd refrain from calling a woman my girlfriend who seems only happy to have sex and doesn't want you to express how you feel about her. Slow down.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 November 2016):
 I think you need an open "what are we and where are we headed?" conversation asap. Put a lid on your feelings for now and find out where she's at. She may not even view you as her boyfriend, as it's pointless to be "boyfriend"-"girlfriend", if you're really just FWBs.My boyfriend and I were whirlwind for a couple of months, then reality set in for him and his self-consciousness set in, so feelings became uncomfortable for him to talk about, as he'd grown up in an abusive house with no clue how to deal with his feelings or express them. This was hard on us, but we both liked each other enough to work on it together and, a year and a half later, it's much easier (though, still not always easy).If she's not as invested as you, this may not change and you need to be with someone who is happy to accept your feelings, as well as her being with someone who isn't as open with theirs.Ask her, so you can figure out how compatible you are and how much involvement she actually wants.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 November 2016):
 I find it odd that you call her your girlfriend, and at the same time you talk about how things were just physical between you and how you don't know if she has feelings for you. I mean, what happened to make you call her your girlfriend at all? Did you just agree to be exclusive, and just have booty calls? Or did you have the talk about being in an official relationship? It sounds like maybe you think you are in a relationship with her, but she isn't.
I know some people enter relationships with no feelings for the other person. I never understood what the point would be of doing this, but it sounds like that's what your girlfriend has done. She isn't in love with you, she doesn't feel any particular way about you, yet she's with you for some reason or other.
Maybe feelings will grow in time, I am sure they will. It's normal for humans to develop affection for those we spend a lot of time with, regardless of who that might be. But is this really enough for you? That she feels lukewarm about you and doesn't even like it when you tell her how you feel about her? It sounds way too one sided for my liking. If I were you, I'd not enter a relationship with her to begin with, and certainly not continue in one where she so obviously doesn't feel the same way about me as I feel about her. That's just torture.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 November 2016):
 I can relate to her. I think she just isn't as comfortable talking about intimate feelings. It's a bit like the discomfort some feel when they're complimented.
My suggestion is to be matter of fact when discussing yours with her.
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