A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend and I are having a serious crisis!!!We've been going out for over 2 years now and for the most part it's been great. of course we have our little moments but we always have seen it through together.Well now she just found something out that's totally turning both her life and our relationship upside down...She overheard her family having an argument over the christmas holiday. she wasn't supposed to hear what was said but they were arguing loud enough that she heard it through the walls. Basically her mom and dad were yelling at each other, she came up in the argument, and her dad said "well if you remember you're the one who lied about birth control... you knew i didn't want kids... if you hadn't lied to me she wouldn't even be here, so quit complaining because everything about her is your fault!"you can imagine this completely, totally crushed her... She never did confront her parents, but she told me "I know exactly what they'd say - 'we're sorry, didn't mean it, love you' and so on. But how can I believe that after hearing what I just heard..."The problem is that now she's distancing herself from me and even from her friends and becoming a serious over-achiever. She's joined committees and organizations all over the place on campus. She got special permission to take more credits than is normally allowed. She basically has homework or activity-related obligations 24/7. She freaks out if she thinks she might not have scored an A on some assignment or project. She's becoming a perfectionist and spending double time on work because it has to be right. She isn't even taking time for herself to just relax and read a good book or whatever. For us, even getting a phone call for a few minutes seems like an inconvenience to her. She'll either ignore me, or if she does answer, it's usually "I can only talk for a few minutes, I have homework/a meeting/an activity to get to." We haven't had a nice conversation since before the holidays.I'm sure this has a lot to do with the comment her family made. She now has this sense that she needs to "prove" herself. She actually said she feels that if she doesn't do things this way that she'll end up alone, jobless, poor, and basically worthless. In short, her self-esteem has been shattered to bits by that one comment.I feel like we're on the verge of a breakup here... She did say today "I love you, I really do, and I don't want to break up, but this isn't fair to you. I know I'm hurting you, and I know that you love me and care, but what if I can't deal with this? What if you can't help me deal with it? It's not fair at all to you... I really don't know what to do, because I love you, but it's not fair."I tried to explain to her that she doesn't need to do this to herself, and that she really is an amazing person already, and that there's plenty of people, myself included, and I'm certain even plenty in her family, who like and love her exactly how she is, and don't expect her to change or prove herself. I mean, to me, she could quit college tomorrow... as long as she was happy with her decisions, I'd be happy with her, and I'd love her just as much as ever. I told her to consider that her dad said that out of anger, and that even if he may have had those thoughts at one point, he did provide for her, raised her, supported her and so on. She responds with "Yeah, but now I know he didn't really want to, so he basically did it because he had to." She's just generally irritable and distant and stressed lately. When we started dating she was so high-spirited, so happy, it was contagious, even if I was in a bad mood or upset I could just talk to her or spend a little time with her and I felt better. I haven't seen that happy side of her now for a month. I did ask her what she thought of professional help - she didn't seem too keen on the idea because apparently some others in her family tried that and ended up with bad psychologists so there's a negative stigma around it. That and also she has some insurance issues so paying for it would be a huge problem.I really don't know what I should do. I do love her and if there's anything I could do to help her, or even just ease some of the pain I'm sure she's feeling, I'd do it. It just seems she's too stuck on what was said and even the love I show her isn't helping. I could really use some advice from the heart.....Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): I don't know if its a good idea to take matters into your own hands like some others are suggesting. You can and should voice to her your opinions that you feel she should talk to her parents about this but if she refuses and insists on running herself ragged into the ground then you stepping in intervening by telling her parents may do more harm than good to her because now she will feel betrayed not just by her parents (which is how she feels now) but by you as well. Losing your only friend is very traumatic and that could send her over the edge. I would say tell her how worried you are and that of she doesn't do something more constructive you will tell her parents or you will call a counselor for her or something. The point is to inform her of what you will do if she doesn't get help so that it will not come as a blindside and yet another betrayal in her mind when and if you resort to doing it. I know people will say that how ever mad she gets at you for intervening is secondary if it does some good. I disagree because being betrayed by your partner is emotionally traumatic and can scar you emotionally for life. Two wrongs do not make a right. At least inform her upfront of what you plan to do if you feel worried enough about her so that takes the betrayal of trust out of the picture
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 January 2013):
Again agreed with YouWish. In other circumstances this may not be 'your business', but right now she is on a self destructive path that needs to be stopped. Talk to her and if she won't listen to reason, talk to her parents and explain the situation. She may be angry with you for a while, hell she may even break up with you, but the way this is going, this relationship is doomed anyway. Sometimes you need to help people help themselves.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 January 2013):
 I think there will be many people who might disagree with what I'm about to say, but I feel pretty strongly about it.
Your girlfriend's life and emotional well-being is deteriorating. You said it yourself -- that you think she's already so damaged. This is the result of the issue festering unconfronted and unresolved. Things like this can cause so much harm that if I were you, I'd be getting worried.
I don't think you should let her go just yet. In fact, I think you need to have a heart to heart with her and tell her how worried you are that she's running away from this.
Tell her that if she doesn't talk to her parents, then you will. Here's why I say this -- this sort of thing is what comes out after someone does themselves harm, and her behavior and extreme depression would have me worried that she could eventually harm herself.
Might she get mad at you? Possibly. She may threaten or try to go through with breaking up with you over this, but this is when you ask yourself whether or not you really love her. If you really love her, you will risk losing her in order to keep her safe and to get her the real help she needs.
This has gone on long enough. Tell her you'll go with her if she needs you to to go talk to her parents about this. Otherwise, if she insists on trying to run, or if she breaks up with you, IMMEDIATELY get in contact with her parents and tell them what happened. You could be saving her life, and you most certainly will be saving her heart. Trust me, it's better to have her throw a tantrum and break up with you then to have to tell her parents that you know the reason why she did herself harm.
Don't listen to things like "none of your business", or "you're betraying me" or whatever. You care about her, and everything she's working for and everything she loves she's letting go.
She also doesn't realize that not wanting kids before one was born isn't the same as not wanting her or not loving her. They are two different things. Her father still does love her...he most likely said those things to hurt her mom, things said in anger that he wishes with all his heart he could take back when the fire cools. They were callous and cruel and I think if he knew that she heard, he would never forgive himself.
She's gotta stop running. It's gone on long enough. If you love her, then save her. The best thing is if she talks to them. However, if she doesn't, then therapy won't help. The emotional wound will still fester and cause permanent internal damage, because these things get bigger and bigger and bigger, no matter how much professional help she seeks. But she's not seeking any help.
Do the right thing. Bring this to crisis, and tell her that she needs to talk to them now, or you will tell them what's going on, because her behavior is scaring and worrying you, and it can't go on. Not if you're any kind of a man and any kind of a partner to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): she should get a grip and chill out. If she had no clue until now that she wasnt' wanted, that means that obviously her father's feelings changed and he does want and love her now. If he had only stayed and raised her grudgingly out of obligation, she would probably have always felt distant from him. I wasn't wanted either, but my parents' feelings then changed. I always felt loved and supported. My parents always told me that they loved me. That doesn't change the fact that initially they didn't want me. My mom even said they seriously considered putting me up for adoption. But some times, things change, and people's feelings change. I only learned that I wasn't initially wanted, when I was already an adult and I learned it because my mom told me. I might have felt a bit more upset if I overheard it and wasn't directly told. But it wasn't a big deal because how my parents felt a long time ago doesn't apply because how they feel now and how they have always felt for as long as I can recall, is what matters. so your gf needs to realize that if she was raised to feel loved and supported it's not a big deal that she initially wasn't wanted because her father's feelings obviously changed.Her father's issues are with her mother, not with her. And it's because her mother lied, deceived and manipulated him. That's a totally separate issue from how he feels about his daughter now. Just because he loves his daughter does not mean that it's OK to have been deceived and manipulated. it would help if she talked with her parents about this. Just being open about it with them will make her feel better. but if she's decided not to believe anything they say then that won't help! I think all you can do is continue to be patient and understanding and give her space to deal with this in the way she wants and needs to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): I am OPThanks so far for the advice, but the problem I see is that she feels so damaged that she doesn't even want to believe her family, let alone me.If her mom or dad say to her "you are wanted, you're wonderful, etc." she'll just think "yeah, BUT, you didn't want me, I heard dad say he wished I hadn't been around..."it's also yes, deeply affecting our relationship. she has started standing me up as well, citing need to spend extra time on homework or whatever as the reason. she even will say "I promise we'll do this" but then when it comes time, "I am so sorry, but I have to meet with this professor and it's the only time he could before the test... I'm sorry, this assignment is due tomorrow and I've been struggling and I need to spend extra time on it... I'm so so sorry, I just am so tired because I was up till 4 AM working on my homework..." i really feel like our relationship has taken a backseat in her mind. She doesn't want to break up, I've already asked her that point blank and she said no she doesn't. but she doesn't make time for our relationship, and she seems to truly believe this is the only way it can be. she said "i'm doing the best I can with what I have, but you have to understand this/that/etc." i feel like all I'm doing now is "understanding" her, and if I do call her out on that, she gets angry. like I said she seems constantly stressed though and is almost always on edge, which is not like her at all. i have some friends who are thinking i should just let her go, but i really don't want to either. I want to believe this is a temporary phase that will pass after some time but on the other hand it hurts so much right now. i also believe in sticking it out through the hard times but i am afraid this will not get better because she at least now isn't able to really think this through objectively and is wallowing in self-guilt and self-doubt.more comments would be greatly appreciated...
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 January 2013):
I wholeheartedly agree with YouWish. Some wise words there, so be sure to pay attention to them.
I also want to chime in with my own story, but from your gf's perspective: my parents never wanted kids. They didn't like kids and what they did like was their freedom. Then fate intervened and hilariously, my mom got pregnant of twins (me and my brother) while being on the pill. So now the couple who didn't want kids suddenly got two. We were born 3 months early and my brother turned out to be autistic. Not a great way to start. But when I talk to them about it, they both say they wouldn't have traded it for the world. That for once, they're happy they didn't get what they wanted, because they love us.
Like YouWish said, there's much more to the story. Your gf is jumping to conclusions, while she should be talking to her parents about it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 January 2013):
I'm going to say some tough things here, but being touchy feely about it won't do a bit of good in her case.
She needs to confront her parents about what she heard, and it's simple utter fear that keeps her from doing it. The problem with listening between walls is that you don't hear things said in context. The issue wasn't even about her...it was about a deep seeded resentment between her father and her mother. Hearing that they didn't want to have her (well, the father) has no bearing on whether they want her now.
I'm going to share a story that's pretty personal, but since I care greatly about you and her even though I've never met you, I think it's relevant here.
I grew up never ever wanting kids. I wasn't even going to get married, except that I fell in love with the man who became my husband. I made it clear that I would never be a mom, and I wouldn't make a good one. He was okay with that. Anyways, fast forward to about a year into our marriage, and I found out I was pregnant. It was unplanned, and I was terrified, needless to say. I was anxious all the way through, didn't want to be a mom, irritated that my husband's sperm seemed to be bionic, and I really didn't want to be a mom.
Because God or some higher power has a cruel sense of humor, my pregnancy was high risk. I had to go on bedrest (I'm usually really active), take medicine, and many other things. In the hospital, I was induced, and my labor took 2 days.
I'll tell you this though, I wouldn't take it back for the world. I never wanted kids, and never wanted to be a mom, and it turned out to be the greatest thing I've ever done in my life. Your girlfriend doesn't know the whole story, and she NEEDS to sit down with her parents and talk to them about it, and the conversation needs to take several hours.
Seriously. Therapy? Overachiever? Strain on your relationship?? Afraid to pay too much for a psychologist? See how NOT confronting the issue balloons into this self-assuming life-destroying emotional monster that *WILL* break you up unless she does the right thing??
She NEEDS to face them, or you two are done. This isn't a threat or ultimatum. This is an inevitable fact. She has a massive splinter in her heart, and she needs to confront them to pull it out.
She didn't hear what they said in context. She didn't hear the past arguments. She's jumping to conclusions, and no therapist will help this. Which is better, giving pills to numb the pain, or getting to the source of the pain before it festers too much and pull the splinter out of the heart now so that they can talk it out??
She needs to face her parents and not jump to conclusions or be terrified at what they will say. They need to answer to her for what they said (specifically the father). This might open a serious talk that has the potential to bring them closer together in a way that she might not have realized was possible. There's a small chance what they tell her could cause her more pain, and THEN it's time for professional help.
She needs to talk to them, and when they talk together, storming out of the room must be outlawed. Your future and her well-being depend on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): She is trying to run away from the problem. Her mother knew she stood a chance of getting pregnant by not using any birth control. She got pregnant, she didnt terminate the baby, she carried it to term and raised it. So right there, you have a a parent who very much wanted your girlfriend. So she should start by talking to her mother and reconnecting with her. From there she can rebuild a bridge to her father, should she wish to. Unless she finds the courage to do that, she will lose both parents and that would be a shame.
Some men would walk away from the situation her mother engineered. Your partners father didnt do that, he stayed and was a father and does love her. Overhearing her parents was very unfortunate but there is love there, she just has to go look for it rather than bury herself in academia.
You can only suggest she talks honestly to her mother and then wait this out. Your partner will be feeling low at the moment because she is suffering a type of grief. The parents she thought she knew have gone really and she is having to adjust to two people who are less than perfect. It will take her a little time to come to terms with that, so i wouldnt expect her to be Miss Sunshine for a while but she will come around if you are patient and understanding. If she was an outgoing lovely girl, she will be again, all she needs is heaps of reassurance from her parents but that cant happen if she doesnt start talking to them about this. All the best.
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A
female
reader, so4chaotic +, writes (24 January 2013):
Wow this is terrible. Why were they arguing about her in the first place was it grades, behaviir friends? Could they have said something about her friends and you as well? Maybe this was a problem that was also brought up aling with her academics therefore she is trying to distance herself from you all.I would encourage her to talk to a school counselor. She doesn't want to tell her parents or go to a therapist so she should utilize the school services and get help from someone there. Encourage her to go to atleast one meeting to get her there and she can decide if she wants to continue. I suggest you step back a but and ask her for some time together on a serious note if you haven't . Ask her to mark on her calendar free time for her friends like she marks assignments. Instead of asking her to hang out ask her to study together or help her study so she feels like she isn't wasting time. You two also need to decide whether you want to continue the relationship. Stuff can get crazy during school time if all else fails go to her after the semester is over and try to spend time wuth her then and talk about counseling. Ask her is she purposely ignoring you if that is a problem.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 January 2013):
 A woman who loves too much, does too much will soon lose the appeal. It is a receptive, carefree woman who gets to keep the relationship. She seems to be "happy" with the decision she is making. You have to "agree" with what she is doing now because there is nothing stopping her. You either wait for her to burn out, or you decide you are not getting your needs met and move on.
Don't you hate Christmas? At the same time it is a reality test for families.
Working extra hard, immersing oneself into activity would not make parents love her more. Her mom trapped her dad into marriage but then they tried to do the right thing. It is not uncommon for kids to feel unwanted sometimes. Even the perfect parent will make some mistakes in childrearing.
I hope that this is a phase that she is going through, a growing pain. When she becomes a parent herself she may try her best to make sure she is ready, career and love wise. She may spend a LOT of money on the baby, like fancy gadgets and educational books, but still the baby will get on her nerves and frustrate her one day.
Every kid grows up living that perfect family fantasy. She had felt mom and dad are just perfect and when they fall short of that perfection her life was crushed.
Let's hope that time will straighten itself out. It is her parents who need counselling too. Her dad has to work extra hard to do things out of love, not obligation. The whole family needs to reconnect.
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