A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I am in a horrible situation where my anxiety over penis size is ruining my life. I am a 30 year old guy and am not someone to believe in the usual pressures of society, in fact I think they are immoral and insensitive.Nonetheless, this modern society is putting such pressure on guys sexually and even though people say it doesn't matter, comedy and general society contradict this with constant obsession and mockery of size and general sexuality.Normally I take no heed but I have had a gf from a couple of years now who is very much a part of modern society and finds all the 'penis' toilet humour very amusing which leaves me feeling very unhappy about myself. No matter what people say, how can you feel confident with such a large proportion of society mocking the body? I feel that the penis is at the forefront of mockery and because it is the only visible sexually functional body part it is under constant attack. My gf is not a big talker which is the opposite to me so her comments are usually 'don't worry about it' without any explanation and then the usual laughs at cheap sexual humour.As much as I hate it, my confidence, especially sexual, is at an all time low and I can't help but feel hurt even by size jokes and bigger is better comments. It's a very insensitive world we live in and I don't think people realise the problems that will arise to people's confidence as this gets worse.Not to cheapen the conversation, but I am turning to this site as I believe there are many sensible, honest and mature people on this site that can give great advise. Why do you think size and sexuality is so focused on these days? I am curious. And how can someone not be effected by all the negative views around them?It is not just a case of being sensitive, I unfortunately have been trying to brush off my concerns and they have built to a point that my confidence is at an all time low and I am filled with constant anxiety (admittedly not just because of sexuality but it's a current big part). Unfortunately it's got to a point where I can;t control my low esteem no matter how much I try to trivialize it in my mind.Once again, not to cheapen the conversation and I'm not asking a generic 'does size matter' question. But how much difference does it honestly make to a woman? Does it mean the difference between complete sexual satisfaction or is it a simple case of you can feel a little more inside you? Obviously it's how you use it but do you think modern size obsession in a mental thing through exposure or is there legitimate reasoning for society's infatuation? Does being big AND knowing how to use it always trump being average and knowing how to use it? They way it is portrayed these days leaves me feeling as if there is always going to be someone better SEXUALLY for my gf and her inadvertent mockery of sexuality seems to back this up.This isn't just a sexual thing. I'm referring to all walks of life where confidence is belittled with no real need.Most importantly, how can I stop being so affected by the world around me when my gf is so involved in it? I love her so don't want to find someone else but our moral viewpoints on society and trying to make everyone feel as good about themselves as possible are differing. I just wish everyone could help everyone else to feel good about themselves instead of trying to make others feel insecure.Any thoughts or advice would be great,Many thanks
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male
reader, plaid  +, writes (25 July 2014):
Dude, you are WAY too sensitive about your penis size. You need to laugh it up when something like that comes up. Also you have a girlfriend so its not like she's totally turned off by your size. It doesn't seem to matter to her so you must be doing something right. Don't focus on the negative.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,Thank you for your responses. Firstly I have to mention that the title was not my original title and has been changed to focus on my gf and my penis which was not purely my intention. [Mod note: original title was "How to get over confidence issues when the causes are all around in society?"] My gf doesn't mock me personally but will laugh when people around us or on TV make a mockery of small penis' for example if a group of girls is laughing at a guy's size or or even when you see on TV people getting kicked in sensitive areas. One particular time I was very offended when a group of her friends (male and female) and her were all laughing at Asian men having small penises and when I pointed out how insensitive and actually racists they were being with their childish stereotypes and I said to my gf that if if size didn't matter, why were they mocking them, I was told to get over it and not be so sensitive. Someone even commented after that, that I must have a small penis if I am offended by hearing things like that. In fact, as I write this I am quickly becoming aware that maybe I am hanging around the wrong people!!Nonetheless, it seems to be everywhere on TV. I wish, like some of you, I hadn't noticed it but maybe I am more sensitive to the matter and therefore notice it more. Another example of a kind of mockery is from that film 21 Jump street where at the end a guy gets his penis shot off and whilst screaming tries to pick it up off the floor with his mouth because his hands are tied behind his back. My gf and friends were in stitches saying how funny it was to see a penis shot off...I was horrified to be honest, more by their reaction than the film itself. I get it, I shouldn't take things seriously but seeing such blatant unpleasant violence used in the pretense of comedy and seeing people laugh it made me very upset and uncomfortable.It is probably my own insecurities but you are right, it has become an unpleasant complex for me. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore and feel that I am a joke to some people just in the fact that I am male (sounds dramatic I know but just being honest about how I'm feeling when I analyse it).I'm focusing on the male aspect because that's obviously what I relate to but my OP meant to allude to general mockery of others and how I can avoid these feelings.Sorry if the post ended up being gf and penis size focused because of the title.I talk to my gf about it all the time and have explained my feelings but she didn't understand what I meant. There is no direct personal attack from her but the things she says and laughs at around me feel like an indirect personal attack if that makes sense. Out of interest, all the replies are from women so I would be interested to hear - do you think a man and women can ever be completely in sync? This is something I really want from a relationship but my friends tell me this is impossible. I believe my current gf also believes that we are separate people and therefore differences of the mind are unimportant. Personally, I hope that there is a chance for 2 people to have a relationship and share everything from thoughts to morals to interests. Is this possible or are my friends right in saying men and women are just too different (I hope that is a naive idea as I would hope fundamentally we are the same..?) Maybe I am just too different from my gf and need to be with someone that has different ideals.... She is not a talker so if I tell her what's bothering me it is shrugged off as being 'silly' and quickly forgotten whilst it stays in my mind. Maybe this is why i've come to fixate on things. I really don't want to break up with her but maybe I am hoping we are more similar than we actually are... Sorry for the ramble, a bit of self-therapy there. Your responses have been very helpful, I am very grateful and would love to hear more of your thoughts.Many thanks again!
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (22 July 2014):
I think it would really help if you gave some examples of what type of humour and jokes your girlfriend likes/makes. I'm not really familiar with this sort of humour so it's kind of hard to advise on how you should respond. I'm also not familiar with what you define as modern society's obsession with size and sexual mockery either, so some examples of the types of things you mean would be great.
There has been a lot of debate around penis size on here today, and it certainly seems that this is a much bigger issue for men than it is for women. Almost all women I have spoken to about this agree that often a larger penis is painful and requires a lot more lubrication plus special positions in order to even make sex possible. As mentioned previously, all women are different so I can't speak for everyone (much like all men don't agree on the 'perfect' boob size), but I personally prefer a smaller penis that isn't going to cause me any discomfort or pain.
In addition, most men seem to forget that most women don't get much pleasure from penetration alone. If I were to only have penetrative sex without any foreplay or oral beforehand, I would be left chaffed and completely unsatisfied. It wouldn't feel nice to me AT ALL, because all of the bits that do feel good require fingers or a tongue to reach them! There are lots of women like this, and if they are anything like me, they will care a lot more about your other skills and whether you are willing to go the extra mile to make sure they are satisfied, than your penis size. A man who rolls over and leaves his partner hanging is more of an issue than size will ever be.
I hope this has helped you, but I really think you could benefit from some counselling to get over your anxiety about this. I understand it is a sensitive area for most men, but it shouldn't be such an issue that your confidence is suffering and your life is being so badly affected. It sounds like this has become something of an obsession for you which really isn't healthy. A therapist will help you to control your negative thoughts and realise that your worth as a person is based on so much more than penis size.
However having said that, if I'm honest it seems to me that you and your girlfriend are not very compatible. You say she makes jokes at your expense and she doesn't agree with your morals when it comes to other people, which makes it sound like she doesn't treat people with much respect at all. You sound like a sensitive guy, so maybe you need to find someone more suited to you? Incidentally, have you told her how much her jokes and comments hurt you? Perhaps if she feels the need to belittle people so often, then she is doing it to mask her own insecurities (not that it's an excuse, just an explanation).
Finally OP, while I do agree with you that people should be nice to each other and treat each other with respect as much as possible, it is simply impossible to hope that we can reach a stage where no one will be hurt or offended by the things others say. I really believe that this is more often than not unintentional, and it's also unavoidable.
What is harmless banter to one person, could hit a raw nerve in another because everyone has their own personal worries and insecurities. It's simply impossible to account for every sensitivity that everyone has, so some of the responsibility has to lie with you to try to overcome these insecurities, because ultimately you are responsible for your own self esteem and it shouldn't be so easy for others to crush it. The key to letting these comments wash over you, is solid confidence and the ability to accept yourself for who you are, as you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2014): The guy spot is about 2 inches into the vagina and the actual vagina canal is 3-5 inches deep. And of course the huge nerve centre that is the clitoris is exposed. Given all this, any penis above 2 inches could do the job.
You focus on working with what you have. The rest is of no consequence. There is no other man who can satisfy her more than you because they are not you. Love making is more than just your parts. It's the shared memories and intimacy and the fact that YOU are sharing your specific penis with HER that makes it satisfying.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 I don't understand this "pressure by society". Guess I am immune to it. So I wont comment on that, as I have no idea what to say since I am not affected by it (lucky me?).
But you asked some questions, which I believe have been answered over and over again... Yet why not answer yet another time:
Average penises are perfectly good! It's NOT like a big penis is always better, in most cases an AVERAGE penis IS BETTER. A small penis, below average (and average, mind you, is between 3.5 and 7.5 inches) is often too small to give much satisfaction, while a penis above average will not give satisfaction either because it will simply HURT.
Imagine getting a penis up your ass, or into your mouth. Would YOU find it more pleasurable the bigger it was? Heck no you wouldn't. Same goes for women. If majority has too choose between a penis above average size, and below average size, most would actually choose below average. Because at least then it wont hurt, and a man can do lots of fun with his tongue and hands.
But you must know, and guys often do not know this, woman come in different sizes as well! Some are wider, deeper, narrower, shorter, curves in one direction, curves in another direction etc. Naturally there will be women who likes an above average penis. As there will be women who prefer a small penis! Some will like it straight, others will like it with a curve. It's individual.
In general, when a woman speaks of a small penis, she often does not speak about a penis that is below average.. Because rarely do we bring rulers with us to bed, so how would we know what size someone is. So what she means by "small" or "big" is relative to her experience with penises. Maybe she's come across many men who are on the larger side of average. To her, someone average who is on the smaller side will be classed as "small". Although some women again will have a man who is on the smaller side of average and think he's big, because maybe she's been with someone who was below average!
I've been with men who were below average, and above. The difference is that the small one (about the size of my thumb), didn't do much for me in bed. I could not feel him if I was wet. The bigger one that I met one time, we couldn't have intercourse! Because it didn't fit! So that was a total waste.
As for your girlfriend making jokes, you need to TELL HER, that you feel hurt by them. Not everyone can read minds and know what makes you feel upset and what doesn't. If you go on pretending that you're fine with it she will think that you actually ARE fine with it, no matter how much you think she automatically should know that it hurts you. Women don't read minds any more than men do.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2014):
 What does your girlfriend *say* exactly that has you upset? You weren't clear about that, so it's hard to tell you how to react to it.
There is one thing you said I need to address very directly. You said this:
"I feel that the penis is at the forefront of mockery and because it is the only visible sexually functional body part it is under constant attack"
If you think that your penis is the only visible sexually functional body part, you couldn't possibly be any more wrong. Your penis is just one of many, many things used to drive a woman insane with pleasure, and it's a man who isn't smart who doesn't recognize that. With over 3/4 of women who cannot have an orgasm from a penis, no matter what size it is, it's obvious that a guy who relies on it as his only tool to satisfy her will fall short (no, this is not a pun). That's the same with a guy who's 12 inches who has a horse penis, and the guy who has a 4 incher that's a "hider".
Your brain is the most important sexually functional body part, followed by skilled lips able to deliver a kiss that weakens the knees, and hands and arms that know the pleasure centers on a woman. It can be argued that a man's fingers and tongue have brought more women to quivering ecstasy than a penis ever could, and a confidant man who may have a smaller than average penis can give a woman the night of her life if she knows that. It's interesting, but ever wonder how a lesbian who doesn't even HAVE a penis can drive her partner to multiples until both fall asleep in a molten haze of pleasure?? Knowledge and skill. If you know your woman's body inside and out, and you don't consider your orgasm to be the end of things, do you really think that your size is what she'll give credit to?
Back to your girlfriend. She shouldn't be making jokes about penis size in front of you, because mentioning or criticizing a guy's penis size is the same lack of sensitivity as a guy making jokes or criticizing a woman's weight or breast size. In short, tell her that she's hurting you when she does it, and give her the weight/boob size example.
A guy's ego is a fragile thing. So yes, I agree with you, but I wanted to hit your assumption that your penis size is the entirety of your sexuality, because it most certainly is NOT.
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